Nobody Knows Why These Things Happen

I won't forgive myself.

Me and my stupid selfish ways. I vow to never again avoid somebody just because I'm too damn self absorbed and don't feel like associating myself with them at the moment. Never again.

And what I said just a week or so ago about losing someone in my class and how heartless I was about it. And now it happend. Ugh. I'm a terrible person, it's not even funny.

Maybe I'll write more about this later, because I do have more to say. But God knows I can't talk about my feelings, and this is no exception.

I'm sorry. I can never forgive myself. Rest In Peace, Peter.

This Blog Is Raw Because This Blog Is Me.

I don't know why I write some of these things in here that can get me in trouble, but I do it anyway.

Actually, I lie. I know why I write them. Because it's the purpose of this blog to get all of you who actually pay attention to it to know who I am. So I do/say things that may be wrong. Eh, it happens. This just in: I am not God. I am me.

Shocker, I know.

But anyway, for the past 2 nights in a row, I've had dreams about Mr. Screw-Me-Over-1. I hope you don't know who you are, because this would just be creepy then, but I'm sure you're smart enough to figure it out. Oh well. Anyway, they're weirding me out. I don't know why you've been on my mind so much lately, but it's not necessarily a good thing, especially considering current situations and my state of mind. But in all honesty, I've always wondered what would happen if another chance with you came around. From the start of the ending of it all, I hated the fact of leaving things the way they were: so close to something good, just at the wrong time. I HATED the fact that I wouldn't know if it all could have worked out and been awesome and what not.

Oh well. Everything happens for a reason. If you know me, you know I live by that mantra. But I still don't know why that all happend with you. Maybe it was to prepare me for the next person after you that did pretty much the same exact thing to me as you did? Probably not. That wouldn't make much sense now that I think of it. I'll figure it out eventually. But for now, please stay out of my dreams, k? They're supposed to be preserved for someone else.

Someone else that I miss and I wanted to see a lot of this month.
Hey, I saw a shooting star tonight. And as cheesy as it sounds, I was thinking about how I wanted to see you when I saw it fall. Today, I realized that it's like you're the one that moved away instead of me. I don't think that should be the case.

My Head Should've Exploded By Now

So fine, I'll admit it for once. I am a flirt whore. But there's nothing wrong with that as long as I don't actually do anything, right? ...right? Ugh.

It's weird just how different things can be here. I realized after being home for Thanksgiving break that being here and being home really are two completely different worlds. I got used to the looks, the flirting, the everything that I witness everyday here. Then, I got home and none of that seemed to happen. That's how it always was at home, though. I don't really get the feeling that people want to get to know me there. The attention I get is nothing like it is here.

Before college, I didn't have luck in this department. I always felt like most guys I liked, the few that there were, were always out of my league or something. Granted, that did change once I ventured out of Deer Park for a little while. That's when I decided I needed a slap in the face because I was getting a little full of myself. Thank God I did get that slap in the face, because I hated myself then. And if I didn't learn my lesson back then, I'd be really bad right now. It's just so weird. Every guy I've had my eye on, I realize that I actually can get. It's new to me, but there's not a thing to complain about with it. And as egotistical as that statement sounds, it seems to be true. Every guy I wanted to get to know but had no idea how I would actually go about doing that, I've actually gotten to know so far. Every guy I've found attractive here, I've found that they wouldn't mind going after me as well. I mean, come on; the guy I saw at orientation back in June and thought was the most attractive guy I've ever seen in person, I'm friends with now. Not only that, but he has considered going after me, despite the fact that he currently has a girlfriend of his own. I always said my whole "4 years" mantra, and others are backing me on that now.

I think maybe having someone back at home is what's really keeping me grounded here.

On another note, I've also discovered here that my knack for knowing what people are feeling can be quite entertaining. Just by watching people in my classes, I've called it so many times. Who likes who, who wants who to like them and stop liking another person, etc. I have fun with it. It's good to know I'm making use of the thousands of dollars that are put towards my classes.

I think I'm the only person here that is not looking forward to going home.

This was a really self-centered blog.
I'm a terrible person.

November Was Non-Existent

That's sad.

But on another pointless note, if you were here, everything would be perfect.

Waves of Solitude

The tide grabs hold of me again
This cycle is never ending
Swimming in a sea of irrational doubt again tonight
I've got eleven foot waves crashing over me

The fog clouds the distance I thought I could see

I need the strength to stay above
My habits are always getting the best of me
I feel this coming
I feel this coming
I have to break it before it breaks on me

The wind is pushing me further this time
But I'm about to throw myself overboard again
The current is strong
But the tide is weak
And I'm convinced this battle can't be won

I need the strength to stay above
My habits are always getting the best of me
I feel this coming
I feel this coming
I have to break it before it breaks on me

I've got stars in my eyes now, but I can't see

Swimming backwards
Treading the waters by your shore
Oh, just take a look at what you've done to me
I'm gonna be stranded here
Fighting off my predetermined destiny

We're Constraining Ourselves...

...These ropes are our own creation.

Oh, hi blog. It's been quite some time.

I hate when I have those periods where I just can't write. Nothing good, anyway. And that's how it's been for a while now, but I finally got some stuff going while I was trying to stay awake in philosophy today. What's weird is that those "dry spells" always seem to happen when you'd think I'd have the most to write about. Life is good. I've been continuously getting all I've wanted and life is finally falling into place the way I felt it always should have. It's a nice to finally experience that.

College, for the most part, is amazing in all aspects. So because I'm insanely bored and feel like writing some pointless crap, here's a list of what I've learned form college so far (in no particular order):

1. I am the Ben and Jerry's champ here. :)
2. ^ That has it's pros and cons (con: I'm getting fat. Sweet deal)
3. It's a bad idea to curse out your neighbors when the walls are paper thin. They will always hear you and call you out on it. (I still have yet to really learn this lesson :x)
4. Apparently I'm a Master Flirt and a tease, and I fail to ever realize it.
5. It's crazy how just putting 2 holes in your lip can completely change your social life.
6. People who give into peer pressure so easily because they're afraid to go against the grain upset me.
7. I will never get over my initial hatred towards girls, no matter how hard I try.
8. Real people do exist.
9. Pot isn't bad.
10. I still will never in my life break edge. Hold me to it.
11. It's okay to trust some people.
12. It's better to feel a little dumb here or there than to let potentially awesome opportunites slip away.
13. This blog has achieved it's goal of letting people see who I am.
14. I felt like I got little to no attention at home. It's a completely different story here.
15. Tile floors and iPods don't go well together.
16. I hate being told to do something I don't want to do and actually have to do it.
17. Being on my own doesn't phase me at all like I expected it might.
18. I'm on my way to learning how to live life right.

I thought I had the last one down before I left home, and for the most part, I did. I do think I have a pretty good hold on life and I live it in the way that's best for me. But I've learned things about myself, others, and life in general here that make me see I still have a lot to learn. I like that, though. Those kind of things had been absent in my life for a while, and I always knew there had to be more to learn.

Before I came here, I had touched upon my problems with myself, but I've managed to sort things out and make sense of the things I do now. The trust issues, the fear of letting people in, and the attachment issues in particular have cleared themselves up in recent weeks. It's about time. You have to be able to see the problem clearly in order to fix it, so really, it's about damn time.

And I'm trying this time around. I'm trying hard to not mess this one up like I've always done.

This is the falling out of pain and the coming of accepted vulnerability.

I Build My Roadblocks

As far as things are looking now, I walked right into wet cement.

Confusion Is No Illusion.

I came to college with the idea of opening up and breaking down the walls that I always build. The idea was almost to not be me in that sense. Like, I was planning on just throwing myself out there in a way, doing things that I wouldn't normally do; kind of like experimenting with a bunch of things (but not a bunch of bad things). Really, it all had to do with guys. I've never been the kind of person that just jumps at a guy. I've never been the person to fall for a guy quickly. And I've never been the person to feel comfortable with the vunerability that comes with a relationship. I hated all of that about myself, and I figured college would be a good place to put forth the change, so when I do find a guy I really care for, I won't force it to stop short this time like I always manage to do.

Well, that whole plan was kind of altered from the start when my friend from high school who is also up here kept a watchful eye on every little thing that would happen with me and a guy. Nothing happend, just to point out, but like me hanging out in a guy's room, me at a party with a guy's hands all over me, me just meeting a guy. It's so annoying. Like really, I could take care of myself. I know how and when to get myself out of situations I shouldn't be part of. Let me be. BUT because this person from high school knew me and how I was before college, he now frowns upon me and implies that I'm being whoreish about a bunch of things and that I want to "rail" every somewhat attractive guy I see. I don't understand where that comes from, because anyone that really knows me would obviously know that that is nothing like me. But whatever. It's not that I care about what he thinks, but it kind of brings me down, and then I realize that I have to keep any encounter with a guy a secret. It's just stupid, really.

But the real things that altered my "plan" for college were these guys themselves. You know, it always seems that when you want anyone, you get no one. Then when you finally find one person you want, you get everyone. I hate when that happens, and a lot of times, it's hard to resist the others. I finally manned up to my feelings and did something that I've never in my life done, and it took a big weight off my shoulders, yet it also added on another one. I already knew of guys here that were into me and whatever, but I wasn't into them. But now I find out that one of my friends here likes me and all, and I actually kind of have some feelings for him, too. But it's all so weird. I think it might just be one of those lonely things that's giving me the idea to persue it. People have also been pretty good at convincing me that it'd be a good thing. And this guy is sooo sweet and innocent, and just an all around good guy. Those are never the guys I go for, so in a way, it kind of goes back to what I wanted to do here anyway. But I'm just so confused about everything right now. I'd feel guilty if I went with this kid now, but then again, I have no idea what's going to happen when I get home and see the other guy again. I don't know if anything will happen when I get home, which makes me wonder if it's worth it to throw away this opportunity and wait for something that might not even happen. But then again, I want the person at home more. Ughhh my brain is so racked lately. I just don't want to throw opportunites away that I would've taken before I manned up, but I don't know what's right.

You're Home; I'm Gone

So for starters, I love how when I leave, the people that disappeared from my life suddenly come back to me. I guess it's yet another example of life's amazing timing or something like that.

But anyway...college. It's so weird how when you're here, the days seem so long yet everything moves at a much faster pace. I guess it's because we're all pretty much living together. You can't get away (it's got it's pros and cons). But really, we all say it -- every friend we've made here, for the most part, it feels as though we've known each other for years already. And we also all agree that it's insane that we've only been here for not even 2 weeks yet. It feels like we've been here for at least 2 months, but that doesn't bother me at all. I really do love it here. All the anxiety that I started to get a few days before I left home was completely pointless. I had nothing to worry about, and most of what I hoped for when I got to college, I've actually gotten. It's always nice when things just work out for once.

I said in one of the last blogs I posted that I was pretty sure the lack of alone time I got here would literally drive me insane, but I was wrong. It's so weird because I've always been the kind of person who really values my time alone and to myself. Like, I need a certain amount of alone time a day to really survive and not go crazy. But it's different here. I don't know if it's just that I've gotten used to always having someone in the room with me, or the fact that I'm hanging out w/ people constantly, but I actually do get really lonely even when I'm in my room alone for just an hour. I didn't expect that to happen, but hey, whatever. I kind of like that change. I always want to do something now, where as before, I never minded just staying in my room for the day. What's also weird is that at home, I NEVER invited people to my house (exception: my grad "party"), but here, me and my roommate Erin are constantly inviting people to our dorm (which is pretty much our home). Every night we have people up here. And every night our floor dislikes us more and more hahah. My floor sucks, and they're all just jealous bitches anyway. Me and Erin get the biggest, nicest room on the floor, we have friends, we have fun. They don't. LOL.

I'm so nice.

Oh, and one more thing that I find weird in terms of the timing of the situation. The one person that I really wanted to meet here (I remembered him from orientation), I have (and he's been in our room too, of course. lolz). BUT he's not nearly what I thought he'd be. I mean, that still doesn't mean he's bad in anyway, because trust me, it's pretty hard to look at this kid from a bad angle, but yeah. Kind of disappointing. But apparently it's better off that way, for the time being anyway. I'm in a different place and he's in a different place. But as I keep remiinding myself, we still have four more years here. Kind of crazy when I think about all that could happen and compare it to all that has already happened, but crazy in a good way.

People are scared of changing in college and coming back home to people that don't like what they've become. I don't think I'll change that much to be honest with you. I mean, my vocabulary will probably be the most noticable change (ie: creeper/legit will be said). But there was one thing I said I wanted to change about myself, and I did.

Last Day

So I finally leave tomorrow morning, which is bittersweet. A bunch of dumb stuff happened today that made me even more excited to finally leave, but I really am going to miss a few people here (key word: few). The anxiety that most people I've talked to have been feeling for weeks finally hit me last night, as I was laying in bed and realized I only had one more night to sleep in MY bed and to be in my room ALONE. I'm really anticipating the lack of alone time I get in college to literally drive me insane, but we'll see what happens.

On a different note, a little awesome band, The Starting Line, have this old song called "Greg's Last Day":

When you left home and moved to Ohio
The summer had come to an end.
My best friend goes, I try to follow,
Running as you disappear.
Stay.
You know how bad this hurts.
It's been three weeks and just gets worse.
Come back to PA.
Forever this time.
Greg's last day is our last chance to be best friends
Until we say "goodbye" and "I'll try to see you when the weather clears."
Then I went home and prayed that tomorrow
You would turn the car right back around.
Evergreen Rd just won't feel the same,
Since your gone.
Greg's last day is our last chance to be best friends
Until we say "goodbye" and "I'll try to see you when the weather clears."
Greg's last day is our last chance to be best friends
Until we say "goodbye" and "I'll try to see you when the weather clears."

I guess you can say the title of song is quite coincidental. I miss my best friend, and it sucks that I won't be able to see him before I leave. You know what sucks even more? Growing apart from someone and eventually losing them for good. I'd rather there be a reason behind losing someone, like a stupid fight or something, than losing someone just because time and outside circumstances drew you apart. Fights break things down. When you simply grow apart, especially in this case, you never lost the connection with the person or anything. Like, when you do finally talk to them again, it feels like nothing ever changed. But that's if you talk to them again.

And on another completely different note: WAKE UP, KID. I like you, and I'm really going to miss you.

Please, Don't Leave Me Without Saying Goodbye

I didn't anticipate how this would all feel, but it all hit me at the end of the night on Sunday, saying goodbye to one person in particular. It finally sunk in that this isn't just some distant future event anymore. This is now. It's here, and I've already said goodbye to my best friend. Saying that we're going to see each other in October (hopefully, if we keep our fingers crossed that it can work out) is just so weird. Like, oh hey, what happend to September? Oh that's right, we'll be hundreds of miles away from each other in September... Ughh it's just a weird feeling right now. I'm the next to go, exactly a week from today, and that's a different weird feeling in itself.



Since like 8th grade, I've been looking foward to this, especially the whole shopping for the dorm part. But that (^) is not fun. That's just an annoying mess of crap, and it's not even close to being all of it. It's just what I packed up today.

But anyway, with there being only a week left for me, I'm realizing that the majority of the people I know, I won't see before I leave. Now here's the part where I'm the hypocrite. I think that with me leaving (or really with anyone leaving), it only makes sense for someone to tell you everything they want and everything they've been holding inside because really, who knows when they'll see you again. I have this idea in my head that everyone should just tell me things they were always afraid to tell me or something, because that's just what makes sense. But following the principle of that, I should do the same thing, and I know that's just not going to happen. At least, I won't be the one to start it off. That really is one thing I'd like to change about myself, and I really have put the effort into changing it. I don't like that I hold back my emotions and things I want to say. Doing that causes too many opportunities to slip away. I think I have progressed though, mainly this summer. I did let things out to the people that needed to hear them, but not the things that I feel are more important. I've always envied those who could just walk up to your face and say "Hey, I like you" and not be afraid to possibly get hurt a little bit; the kind of people who can openly express their feelings without a second thought. I've never been that person. You can't get the reward if you don't take the risk; we all know that. But sometimes fear and doubt get the best of us.

Freeze Dried Friendships

I'm done complaining about people and their lack of morals (although believe me, I have a lot to complain about). Everyone here is essentially soon to become my past. And I know my friends who are reading this are taking offense to that sentence already, but hey, it's the truth for all of us. I mean, come college, we're going to be making daily memories with a whole new group of friends. The friendships we have here at home are going to be frozen in time in a way. They'll be at a standstill while we're away having a good time with our new present friends, but that doesn't mean we're going to forget each other and just throw our friendship out the door. You can't live in the past though, and I know none of us will. This is a whole new part of life we haven't experienced before, and it's exciting. Maybe this time around, I'll find people somewhat like myself. Maybe this time around, I really will make lifelong friends. Maybe this time around, I'll try to not dislike girls the second I meet them. And I really am trying with that last one already. Come on, I'm going to be living on a floor with nearly 20 other girls for a year. I better get used to them, so I'm trying to just wash away my preconcieved notions of girls this time around. I'm going to force myself to believe they're not all bitches. I'll let you know how it goes :]

So my floor is now covered in bags and boxes full of things that are going to comprise my new home: a replica of a jail cell that I'm sharing with someone else for a year. It actually started to hit me last night as I was looking at all the stuff that this is really happening. I really will be living in a totally different place with totally different people, not just visiting. Sure, I've been away from home many times, but none of those times were for more than a week. This time, it's months. Don't get me wrong, I am so excited for this, but it's still a really weird concept to grasp.

Luckily, my roommate seems pretty cool from the little I know about her so far. Seriously, after she added me on facebook (I didn't know she was my roommate at the time), I said to myself "Hey she seems cool. I want her to be my roommate." And then she told me she was, lol. It was weird, but a good sign, I guess.

A little while ago, I was talking to this kid I'm going to school with. We've been talking a good amount, but I just told him that he reminded me of a good friend of mine, and he said that he doesn't want to take the place of my good friend, but I'm his for the time being at college. And it's true. It goes back to what I was saying in the beginning of this; new friendships, new memories, new stories to tell. They're not replacements, but it's close I guess, for the time being.

I have a little more than two weeks left here. I thought it was going to be difficult to leave everything, but this summer, people have made that process a lot easier all around. Not to sound emo at all, or anything. But a change of pace is needed.

Another Minor Vent

In one sentence: I've never met a single reliable person in my life.

ugh I am so heated right now >:[

On another note, I'm sorry that I'm back into the habit of writing totally meaningless, stupid posts. They'll get better again; I promise.

Check This

It's been too long. I never have anything good to write about during the summer, which you'd kind of think would be the opposite, but hey.

So to bring it back, I was bored and doing these dumb little quizzes, but I just so happen to like the one:

You Can Definitely Spot a Liar

Maybe you have good instincts. Or maybe you just have a lot of experience with liars. Either way, it's pretty hard for someone to pull a fast one on you. You're like a human lie detector.

lol.

Where have you all gone?

I would greatly appreciate it if people stopped disappearing from my life. Please and thank you.

On a note somewhat relating to that, I almost never IM people first. Same goes for texting, in most cases. I guess the same can go for stupid comments on myspace/facebook if you really want to get down to it. So don't take any offense to it, please. And instead, you make the move.

Now come back to me.

Pick-Up Line of the Day:

-"Hey, how fast does this ride go?"
-"My guess is as fast as my heart beat since you came next to me."

On another note, I found this in my truth box when I came home from Pennsylvania:
"i dont even know you and just from reading your about me ive come to the assumption that if there were more people with the type of thought processes you have, well then this world would be a much better place. from- a boy who would love to be your friend."
Well, boy who would love to be my friend, I would love to know who you actually are.

And

I just realized after posting that blog that it's July already. I have to keep reassuring myself that this summer just started, but it's amazing by how fast time moves when you're pressed for it.

God Only Knows What I Would Say To You

Just something random I came to realize: "Home" does not mean "building" and "family" does not mean "blood".

Anyway, I realized that from pretty much the start of the school year, I have constantly been suppressing my feelings for whoever I may have them for. I constantly deny the fact that I may in fact be crushing on someone. And all the denying makes myself believe that to be true. I just couldn't come to terms that maybe I was possibly falling for someone. I think it was kind of used as a form of protection. If I didn't think I really had feelings towards someone, how could I possibly get hurt if things didn't work out? And it probably all came about once I realized that things like that never seem to work out for me. It's all pretty dumb, and I never realized it until recently. You see, the whole denial thing is the voice of the mind, but I found that this time around, my body built up the strength to speak over my mind. You could deny a simple thought, but you can't deny a racing heart, a nervous body, and a face that's always in your head. So with that, I've come to realize that maybe I am falling for someone :x.

I read through my most recent journal today. It's always kind of entertaining in a way to read through old journals and see how what you thought or felt actually plays out in the future. It's also entertaining to see how your feelings for someone play out and totally change up over the course of a few weeks.

In one entry, one of the sentences I wrote wound up relating to the whole me being a prick ordeal: "I feel like my actions are untrue, but after all we've talked about, I can't do this to you." And with that said, I ended things. Like a month after I wrote that. Eh, I got around to it eventually.

I also found some little verses I wrote (mostly in math so it seems) that I don't think I've ever put anywhere, so here's a random collection of a few:

New birds keep circling my head
Each sings the same song
You always had ways to make your words sound so sweet
Maybe I'm wrong.


Some silly little spiritual thing I wrote a while back:
I'm down on hands and knees trying to find the missing pieces,
Trying to mend the ultimate mistake
That final fall where you begin to break
Without the nails that hold you there,
You're broken.
You keep searching, but you never feel real
Worthiness isn't found in the faithless.


Part of something I meant to finish, but never did:
The tides come in and drift me away to a place where the sun never sleeps. I find myself resting in an open field surrounded by evergreens. I sing my story out to them, and my secrets they keep.
That's crappy.

And this one, I wrote 7 months ago, yet it somehow still fits perfectly to my situation now:
Every opportunity shot down by mistake.
I convince myself lies are reality to get you away from me,
but recently,
You're the one thing I want most.
And in all honesty,
I fear what I desire most.

It's not much of a "collection" after all. I don't feel like searching for anymore now.

But on another note, the same situation has happened all over again that leaves me feeling like the wrong one, but I'm really not. I always keep my mouth shut when that particular gut feeling kicks in because I feel bad. But it feels worse to have to deal with it face-to-face and see with your own eyes how the person is trying to hide their pain but failing miserably. Those kind of things are so much easier to do behind a computer screen or text message. Which is pathetic, impersonal, and unclear. But still, easier to deal with on both ends.
Here's to another round of love triangles...

Here's To Getting Old

So while everyone is at prom and I'm here waiting for them to all come home so I can spend the rest of the night in the city, I might as well write a blog. That's what my life amounts to, I guess.

I can't believe this week ends it all. Graduation is Saturday, and then I can finally kiss high school goodbye. It's such a bittersweet thing, though. I mean, I'm excited that I can finally move myself away from Deer Park and all the people I grew up with that I'd rather not know. Some of these people here made my life a living hell for a good three years straight. Some of these people did damage to me that's irreversible. But, it's those very people that made me into the person I am, too, so I do have to thank all those little bitches. You made me better than you. You gave me the stregnth and the eyes to get farther in life than you ever will. I win. Thank you.

Speaking of those little bitches, I'm kind of excited for my 10 year reunion already. I look foward to see all of them a good 50 pounds over weight with a sucky job (or a job that requires them to suck off their boss every hour just to stay employed, because they actually would agree to that), no one to love, and nothing to truly look foward to. There's a little thing called karma, and it will bite your fat ass. For some of you, it already has.

Anyway, back to the bittersweet ending of pretty much the first chapter in our lives. Although I truly can't stand most of my graduating class and don't even associate with the vast majority of them, they are still the people that I've grown up with. They are what I've known for these past 12 years. I don't think we really realize the effect we all have on each other on a daily basis, but I do think that people will start to see it when we start college. We all unintentionally take comfort in going to school day after day to walk the halls with the same familiar faces year after year. We leave for two months every year, and sometimes during that time off, we really do start to miss some people, but we always come back to see them again. That ends now. What follows up these two months is different than what we've always known. We're going from the small winding halls of DPHS to the big winding paths of a college campus, of our new home, of our new set of familiar faces. I think we all feel the same way: even though we say we hate each other, a small part of us all is really going to miss each other.

Saturday will be the last time I see the majority of the people I've known my whole live. I wish it could hit me then so I can take it in, but it won't. Oh well. I'm happy with the way everything ended, though. It's weird how life works out sometimes. Everything that had needed to be said for years suddenly was this year, particularly in the last few months. Like, there was this one kid that played a pretty huge roll in my life for, well tweleve years. But the way things played out were riduculous to say the least. Everything was left open for years, but in the last few months of school, things just fell into the right place to bring a sense of closure to it all. This isn't going to make sense to anyone other me, now that I'm thinking about it. But that's typical in some of these blogs. Oh well. But basically, everything that needed to be said was said. And not just in that one case. It's a nice way to leave things, I guess.

I feel old. The first chapter has been written and signed off.

Scarred.

I couldn't sleep at all last night. So instead, I laid in bed and thought over a lot of things. And I realized that I always say how this year is my favorite thus far, and that's true. However, if someone just met me and listened to my stories (or for those of you who actually, for reasons beyond me, sit here and have read my recent blogs) I don't think people would believe me at all. I can't even believe myself lately. But I think I finally figured it all out.

I honestly love who I am as a person, and I know I have a lot to offer, but lately, I've been feeling like my life has no meaning at all. I've been feeling like I make nothing of myself, and that my life is going nowhere fast. And I realized that it isn't truly my fault that I feel that way about myself now. I put all the blame on my dad. After the countless fights we've had, I've always been able to stay true to myself. I wouldn't let him win no matter what, just because I'm so damn stubborn. But finally after 18 years, he found a way to get me. He really has gotten in my head. And he is the reason I feel so worthless. Why now and not all the other times? Because maybe he actually has reasons now. At least, he's made me believe that. Maybe he is actually right this time around. Maybe he finally did break me.

No. Impossible.

But after thinking about that, I started to wonder why that after all these years, my dad has scarred me emotionally countless times and has really personally affected me for a liftetime, while my mom really hasn't done much to me personally, yet I still dispise her and always run back to my dad. Maybe it's a comfort thing. I always used to be Daddy's Girl when I was little. He was the one I always ran to. My mom was never there. So maybe it's just that that's what I know, so I just do it without a thought. But it can also be because my dad at least has a set of morals and has a tiny fragment of a heart left in him. My mom, on the other hand, has neither of those.

Make Your Feet Touch The Ground

I don't really know how to explain things right now except that a few months back, I said I needed a slap in the face to bring me back down to earth again. Well, I guess this is my slap in the face. I knew I needed it.

I want to go away. Being up at my college last weekend was nice. Sure, a little part of me did want to come home, but as soon as I actually got home, I wanted to go back up there so bad. It was nice just to get away from things. Like, when you're away, you feel like all your problems from home just disappear. You don't have to worry about them anymore. Only, when you get back home, you realize they didn't go anywhere. And it sucks.

I didn't find a single person up at college that was even remotely close to being like me. It was disappointing, I'm not gonna lie. But there are still 4 other orientation groups that I haven't met yet, so I can't get down. And even though I was still kind of lonely up there, I wound up liking it more than here. I don't know, maybe it's just the slump I've put myself into here.

I'm really looking foward to finding someone somewhat like me. Someone that's into things I'm into, and is really into it because that's just what they like; not because it's what is "cool" or because they want to fit into a certain crowd or something. I want to find someone who shares the same beliefs as me and has a similar outlook on life. Some that I can actually have a good conversation with. I've never found anyone like that here. Or maybe I have, but I'm just blind to it, in which case I am sorry.

On another note, I feel like I've made so many careless decisions this year that I shouldn't have made. I've gotten so lazy. And I feel like most things are just worthless lately. Like all the decisions I make mean nothing. But I've realized that they mean a lot, and that I was stupid for what I've done. I've given up things I should have kept.

I have also realized that I grew up a lot this year, but that I stil have a lot more growing up to do.

Ugh. Hopefully, this summer will turn things around.

The sad thing is

I couldn't even tell you where home is.

The Winner's Downfall

Apparently when I get rid of one thing, all the others follow.

I've put myself in a mindset that I hate to be in. It sucks. But I can't fix it. Really, I just don't know what's going on anymore, with anything. I probably do it to myself. I always had the tendency to think about things so much to the point where I just confuse myself even more than I already was to begin with. Everything is just a little off now, that's all. I mean, everything was awesome. Real awesome. This year has been my favorite so far. But because it was so awesome, when things die down the tiniest bit, it seems worse than it really is. I'm probably not making any sense to whoever is reading this right now. Sorry.

When you're at the top, something will eventually knock you down. I went from feeling like the most loved person ever, for a good two months at least, to having nobody. Maybe I deserved this. Maybe I did it to myself, and I'm just blind to that fact.

I walk with blinders, never noticing what's at my side.

Calendars Have Expiration Dates.

Some things make you really appreciate life. Some things make you really appreciate the people you have in your life. And some things teach you the meaning of strength, hope, and what it truly means to be alive. This is one of those things.

Our days are numbered, but we never know what number we're on. So take every opportunity that comes to you. Don't put it off until next time because you're scared of rejection, embarrassment, or whatever. There may never be a next time. Maybe this will help you learn that. Our fears are just a waste of our time. They're a wall we build up ourselves, just out of cardboard bricks. It's not hard to break the wall down, so do it every time. There's nothing to lose, because everything that seems bad at the moment just diminishes after a while. Most things are never really as bad as we make them out to be.

Take a chance. Live life. Love life.

Always stay strong. It's unfortunate that sometimes, it takes events like this to put things into perspective, but I've always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Every event you encounter will teach you something and make you grow. There are positives to every situation if you look deep enough. I'm convinced that this happened to teach you strength, so don't fight it off. Embrace what you're given everyday, and remember, there's is always someone there who loves you.

Don't Fight It; Ride It

My life met a line, and upon meeting it, split itself in two. The good things in my life walked on one side of the line, while the bad walked to the other. Lately, I've been feeling as though both sides have complete switched places at once. It's not necessarily a bad thing because there are still the same amount of good things in my life, just not necessarily the things I expected, or even wanted to be good (or bad for that matter). Life is just strange sometimes, but I let it hold the reigns.

031908 I was right. I knew it would happen. You said it yourself.

Shades and Shadows

The more time you spend thinking about pain, the more it hurts.

I wouldn't put this feeling into the category of "pain", however. It's more of frustration and doubt than anything else. Just the fact that this has happened for the second time in a row now, it just kind of makes you question people in general. It makes me question whether anyone is genuine anymore. For the second time in a row, I get screwed over in nearly identical ways. Someone says one thing while doing another thing behind my back -- a big thing. And then I find out by people just telling me. I confront the person; they lie. And then no more than a week later, their lies are exposed and I'm ditched for the girl hidden behind their back. And both times, everybody thought everything was so perfect. All of you guys told me not to believe this other guy, that all he was doing was feeding me bullshit lies to win me over him. Well look who was telling the truth now. I told you all along. I know who to believe about these things. Sincerity is radiated to those you stand next to. Anyone can see through insincerity.

Hanging onto a piece of the past
A piece that won't last
Unless those faulty eyes are uncovered
You live in a life of light
But your eyes see nothing more than darkness

Cut the strings tonight
Your hands raised to the sky
The stars won't abide the words spilling from tongue
You swore you had all that you wanted
I told you you won

Doubt and despair are the foundation
Damn my creation
Unless these heavy eyes are opened
I live in a life of deceit
But my eyes see nothing more than honesty

The shadows behind the curtains can only be seen in dim light
The darkness can't be defeated
Cut the strings tonight

Still Pointless.

Just because...
"amand3r s (10:36:39 PM): hes a silly kid
BambiButterfly24 (10:37:07 PM): haha ya loser
BambiButterfly24 (10:37:12 PM): take it slow, girl, take it slow
BambiButterfly24 (10:37:13 PM): lol
amand3r s (10:37:19 PM): I DIDNT DO IT HE DID
BambiButterfly24 (10:37:24 PM): i know
BambiButterfly24 (10:37:27 PM): hah i'm just saying
amand3r s (10:37:29 PM): hahaha
BambiButterfly24 (10:37:35 PM): you're like "i love it. he's a flirt" blahblahblah
BambiButterfly24 (10:37:38 PM): just making sure lol
BambiButterfly24 (10:37:41 PM): chill it up
BambiButterfly24 (10:37:45 PM): put it in the freezer
BambiButterfly24 (10:37:46 PM): baby
amand3r s (10:37:49 PM): ahahahahahahah
BambiButterfly24 (10:37:56 PM): hah.
amand3r s (10:38:00 PM): i love you"

That is what our life amounts to.

Anyways. I no longer feel bad about everything I did, because you obviously weren't all that sweet and innocent yourself. You lie, you deciet, but you do put on a good show. TV show that is. How about you learn the meaning of "integrity" before you step out your door and open your mouth again. Sounds good to me.

I'm afraid to dive into the waters. Be my lifeguard to make me feel safe? ;)
I'm ridiculous. Seriously, why do you read these things?

Bamboozle Bragging.

Lol, look, it's me at Bamboozle during Set Your Goals:

Right up at the barricade, bitches. Because when I say I'm getting as close to the stage as possible for my favorite band, I mean it.

And I met Jared of Blessthefall (the one in the brown shirt). And not just at a signing like "Oh hey, sign this thanks bye". No. I met him and it was glorious. I got a hug and an autograph and a conversation and him telling me he loves me. After I told him I love him and his band twice. haha. Envy me.

And of course, there was a lot more fun and memories. Such as these silly kids:

And I'm obviously just bored and felt like posting pictures and bragging because, well, why not.

Anyways, prom is stressing me out and I need a date. Any takers? I'm dead serious. Don't be shy. Whoever gets to me first wins. Everyone's like "Oh Stephanie, shut up. You know you're going to have a date...You have [this many] guys to choose from. blahblahblah" No, I don't know I'm going to have a date. No, I don't know who to go with. No, I don't want to deal with this crap. Which is why I've put it off until a week before the date papers are due. Stupid.

One of these days, I need to get back to writing something meaningful in here.

Hide Behind Those Frames

You wear your sunglasses at night.

Shady, shady...

Pessimistic Optimist

So if my mother actually decided to pretend to fill the role of "mother" today, I'd be in school at the moment. But instead, I'm sitting here for the third day in a row with absolutely nothing to do.

In about three months, we're all going to be going off to college. Whether people want it or not, changes are going to happen. It's bound to happen. Come on, we're pretty much all going to different places. Breaks and occasional weekends are going to be the only time we see each other in person, and that's obviously a lot different from now, where we see each other nearly every single day. Plus, when we go off to college, we will meet so many new people and make new close friends. Hell, we will be living in a room with somebody. I think new best friends are bound to be made...and no, it's not just me. And we will also learn new things about ourselves once we're thrown into a completely new setting. It happens and you can not stop it.

I've found that people get used to me being the optimist, and when I have realistic thoughts and share them for a minute, they get upset for some reason. Well, I don't know if "upset" is the right word, but they seem to get kind of let down. Like, "You know Stephanie, we go to you for those nice outlooks on the future. We can come up with this unfortunate crap ourselves." But for some reason, nobody seems to believe that things are going to change when we go to college and that I'm just making all this stuff up. I mean, we're already planning next year's spring break and who we should take along or not. Who's to say we're even going to be friends with those people in a year?

I guess it is all kind of depressing when you think about it, but I'm still looking foward to it all. Ideally, I wanted to go off to college without anybody from home being there. It's like a fresh new start that way. No rumors follow you, no false perceptions of who you once were linger with people. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am completely comfortable with who I am, and I don't want to change myself and become some different person when I leave. I love who I am, and there will be no inteded changes happening. But still, it'd be nice in a way to just be somewhere where no one ever knew your name. However, I do have a friend that's going to the same college as me. Not a super close friend, though. I can't change that, and it's fine. I guess it's nice to have at least one familiar face to fall back to when things get tough. I mean, I know things are not going to be so super easy to adjust to in the beginning. It'll be a fun time either way.

I can't wait to find out who my roommate will be. I bet I get the biggest partying alcoholic on campus who I will have to take care of at 3 in the morning as she pukes all over my bedroom floor. I'm so excited. No really, I am.

Bleeding Hearts

This is the coolest bush. Be jealous that you do not have one in your backyard.

"Stephanie, what's wrong with you? You get something good for once and then go and throw it away? Do you want anything that's actually good?" That seems to be a general consensus. But nobody really understands the situation, and they can't unless they are either me or one of the people involved. I don't know why I even bother explaining it, because the only thing people gain from that is a tarnished perception of who I am now. It's annoying. Yes, I did do some things wrong. I am aware; you don't need to throw it in my face when you don't even know the facts. But the reason it's done is because I did do things wrong and came to that realization. I can not sit there and knowingly hurt people that I care about, especially when they never did anything wrong to me. Even if they did deserve it, I just can't do that.

Whatever. What's done is done, and it's really not a big deal at all. People like to blow things out of proportion sometimes. Anyway, I think I may have feelings for somebody else now anyway. Already?! Yes, already. Be quiet.

/

Again, life is good. I'm enjoying it :]

The things I have wanted are still coming my way without me having to do anything. So it seems, anyway. It's always nice when things like that happen. And I've always been aware that when things seem this good for this long, something is bound to go wrong. You can never stay on the top forever. But you can live in the moment and not worry about what may happen. Doing that only ruins what is good. So essentially, you wind up knocking yourself off the pedestal you were granted.

/

By the way, University of Hartford Class of 2012. Hi.

KAN-JAM!

Somebody buy this for me. It's a big hit upstate, and we're bringing it to Long Island.

El.Oh.El.

Your Secret Is My Sin.

Mistakes are nothing more than false conclusions. There are no mistakes. Everything happens because it is supposed to be that way. That's fate, and I'm a strong believer of it. I did think that I was making mistakes, but then I realized what I just wrote to be true. Things about me may be changing in ways that I can't fully explain or understand right now, that's true. But I'm not fucking up my life or anything. Even if I was, then my life was meant to be fucked. But I'm not so it doesn't matter. One thing I've learned from life is that everything really does have a meaning behind it, and sometimes it takes years to see it. And then sometimes, it takes a day. Whatever the case may be, there's some bigger reason why I did what I did and why I do what I do. I'm not a bad person, but maybe I'm taking some things for granted right now. I don't like the idea of that, but at the same time, I'm not going to simply stop living my life because I fear that I might be doing it wrong, because what really is wrong when it comes to the way your life plays itself out?

You're looking through green glass
praying this won't last
another night
she stole all the stars from your sky

All secrets have an expiration date. Nothing can stay hidden forever. And most times, things don't need to stay hidden forever. The importance that backs secrecy seems to slowly disintegrate with time as situations grow and change.

Colors blend together; vision becomes nothing more than a blur. Blinded, the pull of the rope is the only thing left to rely on. Open myself up to you; see what lies inside me. You can steal it if you'd like. In this dimly lit room, nobody will ever know. So, with eyes still covered, I'll walk through that door. I can't see who holds it open. but desire's heat begins to burn my newly-fitted skin. Your secret is my sin.
//
A full moon pulls the waters
No termination
No hesitation
The similarities of our lives are put into perspective on the shore
//
Overturn the stones and see the marks they hide. These aren't lies, and you can no longer put on that expired disguise. Line them up the way they said. This path, you made it. No forks to face, no endings in sight. You realize that beside your own selfish feet are identical footprints. You've been here before. This circular path of indulgence was your creation. Nobody to blame but your own name.

Life's Funny.

Life has a sense of humor.

"I Did This To Myself"

So Daddy says I'm a girl whose existence is pointless. I make nothing of myself. I'm worthless here. And that I might as well kill myself now if I think I can keep living life the way I am, because that's just not how the world works. Why am I a pointless nobody? Because I don't live my life the way society tells me to. Because I live my life for me, not you. Because the reason I do things is to be happy, so I actually want to live. I don't understand what the point in living is if you can't even be happy with yourself and where you are at. I don't understand how you can go your whole life living it the way other people expect you to, and living it for money alone. Money sucks. The economy sucks. I'm dead-ass broke. But you know what? I'm happy, and to me, that's the most important thing. You say it yourself; you can't say that for your own life. I don't know, maybe it's me, but I think you're life is the pointless one, not mine.

On another note, I make mistakes. You make mistakes. We all make mistakes. There's nothing wrong with actually being wrong as long as you learn something from it, and I'm learning with every step I take. And I'm learning even more now just how important honesty is. Telling someone the truth upfront is like getting stung by a little bumble bee. The sting hurts at first, but the pain eventually goes away, and it won't come back because that bumble bee loses it stinger and dies with just that one action. Keeping the truth hidden for a while and then having it slip out later on down the road is more like being stung by a bigass wasp. It hurts a hellalot. And the pain keeps coming back, because that wasp doesn't lose it's stinger with that one action. The action can repeat, and the pain doesn't subside as quickly or easily. Get it?

I don't even know if that's true. I'm pretty sure it is, though. But considering I'm fucking scared to death of bees, I never actually hang around them enough to get myself stung. I probably should just shut the hell up now. But really, like that stupid little saying goes, "Honesty is the best policy".

Why is it that once you're at the top, somebody is always there to try to pull you down?

Live it up.

"Denial of Affection."

Short, sweet, and to the point: Only I can fix the mistakes you made in the way you raised me. And that's what I'm doing now -- trying to do what I can to feel what I should have for all those years. I never got the chance to know.

They say that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I never believed that to be a fact.

Cover Your Ears, Boy...These Are Secrets You Don't Want To Hear.

Secrets. Everybody has them. You let them out, and they become intriguing to everyone else. You keep them to yourself, and they seem to become even more intriguing to you alone. Most secrets turn out not to be so important with time, and are often let out. Some secrets, however, are meant to stay that forever, a secret that nobody else can know about. I think maybe the most common reason for that occurs when morals get confused; when you can't figure out right from wrong anymore, and you really don't want to find out.

In all honesty, life is awesome right now. I have always had this kind of vision of how I expected my life to be and what I actually wanted from it, and I never saw it becoming reality until I hit college for some reason. But I'm not in college yet, obviously, and it's here. All I've wanted seems to just be coming to me, and I don't have to do a thing for it. Usually in situations like that, something will always go wrong and everything will be lost, but I don't think that is going to happen this time around. In time, we all get what we deserve, and maybe I really do deserve all I've been getting. I'm pretty sure I do. It's like the conversation I was having with a friend the other day about this girl that caused me an insane amount of problems for three straight years, and really made my life a living hell at the time. Where is this girl that seemed to have everything and more back then? Well, now she's a highschool dropout drugged-up nobody. Ehh sorry, but you deserve it, bitch. Where am I for putting up with so much crap and not letting it transform me into a bitch myself? I am here getting all I have wanted. Karma? Sure.

Bored.

So I'm bored and feel like writing, but I don't know what about. I was told to just keep writing, and something will come, which does tend to happen, so I'll do it. This will probably be pointless anyway.

Random: At church on Sunday, there was this guy sitting in front of me whose bald spot was in the shape of a cross. No lie. And I just found it to be the coolest and most appropriate thing for church. ahah Because I'm an idiot like that sometimes, and I need to find dumb things to entertain me at church.

Speaking of church, I won't get into it all because I know some people find anything relating to religion totally annoying and crap, and I don't want to bother people with my little views on things they just don't want to hear. But, someone mentioned something to me about how I don't say or do a lot of the things "expected" of you in church, and I then went into my little rant. But really, I don't like the church all that much. I mean, yes, I am faithful, which is one reason why I do actually go to church. But the whole concept of the church kind of pisses me off. There is so much conformity in the church, and so many rules you are expected to follow. You have to believe A, B, and C to be Christian, and if you don't agree with one thing, it's like you're sentenced to hell. I think it's almost hypocritical in a way that you have to follow all those rules as you go around preaching that God will love you no matter what you do. I feel a lot of things about the church are just totally fake and a load of crap essentially. If you believe, you believe. It's in your heart, and I don't see the need to go around preaching those things to the world just to prove yourself. AND if you have ever been to church, do you realize that every single prayer read aloud sounds like some cult chant? Because, really, it does and it is eerie.

Alright, I'm done with that little rant, and I'm sorry for wasting your time as I try to think of something more meaningful to write in here.

Something about people has been getting to me lately. It's nothing personal and nothing that necessarily pertains to me, yet I just find it annoying how ungrateful people seem to be. I guess I really started thinking on it after a girl in my school now lost both of her parents. I don't want to exploit that on here, because she's already had to deal with enough, and I honestly could not feel more sympathy for her. But that very day that all of us found out, everybody seemed grateful for their life for a second. And then like five minutes later, they start complaining about how they hate life, and how today was the worst day ever. Why? Because you dropped your books and tripped over a rock? Be happy that's the worst thing that happend to you in a day. And yes, I am being a bit hypocritical here saying this, because we all do that at times, and I am not going to sit here and pretend I don't. But I really do appreciate every little thing I have in my life, and I wish everyone honestly could say the same.

Get To Know Me.

You are the one that haunts my dreams. I never asked you to be there, yet you always are; always whispering the words I can't bare to hear. And now all I can do is hold onto the middle of this rope of uncertainty being pulled from opposite ends.

When you expect to feel everything and instead are left feeling nothing, it's a little hard to comprehend, especially when the confusion grows exponentially instead of supressing like you imagined it would.

I can't help feeling confused. Nobody can. I said what I did today to try to get my point into your tiny, closed-minded heads. It wasn't supposed to be taken literally, but your ignorance always seems to take a hold of you guys. And now, you think I'm this selfish, cold-hearted person. You're supposed to be some of the people that know me best, and I'm not going to lie, it did hurt a little bit that you thought I'd really be like that. These things seem to happen a lot to me, and my personality gets mistaken for something else. Something like that. Just go back to all the drama that unfolded with both Anthony and Greg. No, I won't let that go. Why, you ask? Because you don't let it go. Sure, you don't bring up the names anymore, but you do bring up the situations, and it's not who I am. I don't purposely try to do these things, it just kind of happens. Some part of my head looks at girls and thinks "Hey, catty bitch! Leave." Seriously. I don't like girls, and I never look at one and think to myself "Hmm...she seems like a cool person to get to know." It just doesn't happen. I just find myself befriending guys more. They are more interesting to me, more fun, more truthful, and just better friends in my eyes than girls. Now, I'm not saying the girl friends that I have are crap. They just happen to be the few good ones around. So don't get on me for this. I like you guys. AND I would never lead a guy on intentionally, knowing I don't want anything to do with him. I never have done that, and never intend to. That's not what I'm doing, so stop making false accusations and letting your ignorance make it's way to your mouth and out into the open. You're better off keeping your mouth shut about the things you know nothing about. Thanks :]

New Light Sunrise

I went to sunrise mass for Easter yesterday, and it was such a beautiful thing, even on three hours of sleep haha. I've never actually seen the sunrise from the beach before, but it was always something I wanted to do. Everything else that went along with it was so inspiring, too. As we were driving there crossing the bridge, I was looking out over the water, the moon shining just above it, and a lot of things just seemed to make sense to me. Things were put into focus. It was cool too, to actually be standing on the beach with the darkness and the moon to my right, and the sun slowly coming up over the horizon on my left. To have both night and day with you is a pretty cool thing, and I found it reminiscent of life. Standing there weighing out the darkness and light of my life, I realized just how grateful I am for everything I have and everything I've ever experienced, good and bad. And I also thought about how amazing my life seems to be going lately. Like, this break alone has brought about so many awesome things. and I know they're not going to just disappear. I don't remember if I wrote it in here before, but I'll write it again anyway. I always used to think life had such sucky timing, but lately, life has been proving me wrong.

I really do feel it this time around. I don't think I've fallen faster, and I don't think I've ever felt this trusting of someone. Vunerablity is something most people fear. But they always say, if you face you fears, they disappear. This is no different.

Succumb to the Pressures

Optimism is shot to the ground by the skeptics bearing arms.

I was always quite the optimist until I met you. Then, that began to fade away beyond my control. I still don't really understand it, but you transformed me into some sort of skeptic. How you did it, I won't ever know. But now because of you, I'm skeptical about this one, too. I don't want this to happen all over again. I'm just afraid that after you, it's always going to be some kind of cycle that will never break. I can't live my life like that. But the circumstances that surround this one aren't really the best in the world, and I know that by jumping into this, I could be putting myself in the line of fire. I don't know whether I want it or not. I don't know whether it really is worth it.

I wonder what you would do if you knew all that I know. You think you have your secrets, but I know them all. I know your motives. I know why you're doing what you are, and personally, I think it's ridiculous. The way you seem to want to go about proving your "maturity" is actually one of the most immature things you'll do. Knowing your little secrets made me lose even more respect for you. You weren't what I thought you were cracked up to be. And you put something good on the backburner just so you can accomplish your little "goal". You lost the chance for something good. You won't have the opportunity back, because now that I've found out these things, I just don't want a part of you anymore. I know we all walk around saying that we live our lives free of regret, but I hope you regret this one. Honestly, I really think you will.

The waves crash down on me everyday.
You're not even close to what I thought you'd be.
The pressure
The pressure pushes me down further to drown.
It comes from all around me.
There's no escape.
The pressure
The pressure, it builds.

For the first time,
I feel like I have to be something I'm not.
Maybe hypocrisy is a natural tendency.
It shouldn't be fought.
It should be embraced.
Mindsets change.
This all started with you.

I can't stay this way forever.
These goals won't be met.
My values are far too untouchable.
This life was nothing but a dream.
Meeting you made me see

Maybe society does have its hold on me.
It's beneath my control.
I guess this is my destiny.
There's just no hope for me here.
Not if I stay this way.
Alone in the middle of the barren sea.

Have you ever felt like you were living life in some lifeless orb day in and day out? Things have really been starting to hit me lately, and I feel like I'm trapped in some kind of cell full of lifeless conformists who serve little to no purpose here. And what's worse is that I feel like these pointless things are holding me back from what I want my life to be. They're the bars that lock me in here, but there is a key. When I think about it, it's kind of an egotistical view on things. I hate admitting it, because I really hate to sound all arrogant and cocky, but a lot of times, I honestly do feel like the way I choose to live me life is better than most other people. And that mindset is what locks me into that cell. I put myself at a higher place, somewhere I may not belong, and then I feel alone up at the top with nowhere to go. But today, I kind of started to scare myself a little bit. I started really thinking about the pressures I've been beginning to witness, and realized that they're only going to grow more intense as time goes on. Especially hitting college. And I started to think that giving in to a certain one of those pressures is the only way I can survive and not be on my own forever. (btw, no, this is not about drinking) It was such a dumb thought to come to my head. I'm stronger than that. I have a hell of a lot more willpower than that. It's just frightening sometimes to think about yourself against society, and how standing up for what you believe in makes you such an outcast in the world. Being an individual leaves you alone.

Erase Your Sympathy

So I'm bored and felt like posting randomness.

In my creative writing class, we had to come up with three Haiku poems -- one for a distinct insight, one for a spiritual insight, and one to paint a clear picture. I came up with these in like two seconds tops. They're pretty crappy, but that's what happens with two seconds of thought.

Distinct Insight:
Lost
Indecision rules
Spinning minds hold the reigns
Which way do you turn?

Spiritual Insight:
Guidance
I hear it alone
The whisper from above
Grab the hand to hold

Clear Picture:
Serenity
The "rawr" of the ocean waves
Under the midnight sky
Thoughts encircle me.

And here's what I did in math yesterday:

Your eyes follow the rhythm of the swinging pendulum. I know I always said I preferred truth, but just for this time, spare my feelings and leave me in the dark. To validate my suspicions is to butcher my heart. Erase your sympathy.

It's not really about me. I love the learning I do in school.
Anyway, way to be a fucking hypocrite. The only person you are screwing over is yourself. Have fun, kid.

Spinning minds hold the reigns.
They put my games to shame.

King Indecisive holds the throne,
While others are destined to live alone.

The torture, the terror, the lies.
Staying here, it's our demise.

Overdose On Your Own Medicine.

I got accepted to University of Hartford today, which is pretty sweet since that's where I'm probably going to wind up going. I got another $12,000/year scholarship, and since my family is broke, I get a combined total of a little over $28,000 financial aid, so that's pretty sweet, too :]

//

Alright, so on to bigger and better things. I met this kid in the mall Sunday. His name was Tyler, and honestly, I was pretty inspired by his story. After basically playing a game of cat-and-mouse for a good 2 hours, I finally just wound up talking to him, and was suprised at what he decided to tell me right off the bat. Basically, he was sick of all the crap going on at home, so he ran away and found his way to the mall where he'd been alone for a few hours already. He was supposed to meet up with friends, but they all ditched him. He decided he wasn't going home until somebody came looking for him to show they cared, which he figured was not going to happen. So pretty much, he decided that he was going to spend the entire day in the mall, and when it closed, he was going to try to stay the night at a friend's house. This was the first time he really ran away from home for good. Other times, he'd just find himself under the bleachers alone at his school. His girlfriend broke up with him a few days before. He was broke, and could have sold a $90 necklace he brought recently, but instead, he decided to give it to his mom on the way out the door, figuring that maybe it would add a little bit of light in her day. He was having one of the worst days, but he's a tough kid. He broke 8 bones, but only got one fixed -- his elbow which came through his skin :x. He also told me that he liked his town just because there are always so many fights, and he's either in them all or doesn't hear about them. There was one fight he got into because some assholes called his friend gay when he really was. Tyler wound up getting stabbed in the hand during that fight. I saw all these scars. Pretty sick stuff, not gonna lie. He's in two bands and loves to make music. And he lost his faith in God after all this crap started happening to him.

//

He reminded me so much of another kid I know, but what I thought was even weirder was how much of myself I actually saw in this guy. Of course, I don't get into fights on a daily basis, and I haven't broken 8 bones, but there was a lot of emotional shit this kid went through that caused him to be and do all these different things, things that I, myself, have lived through and felt. I wish I could have explained to him how things will get better and how you need to get out of the mindset he put himself in to see that, because that's how I got out of it. That's the only reason I've really learned to love life, and I want him to see that, too. But you can only see that for yourself. These are things I don't talk about. But really, if there was just one thing I could have possibly done for him, I hope it was that I brought at least a little bit of light into his dark day. I know how much it means just to have someone there to listen to you, especially when you spend a whole day alone and feel worthless.

//

I've been doing a lot of writing in class lately, just ideas and stuff that could turn into really long songs or something. I get bored.

//

Justify the untold truth with your lies, then run to put on another disguise. I won't wait around here anymore, and you'll never win. Overdose on your own medicine. You will come back running in no time at all. I don't want to hear your cires; it's all your fault. They say, "Liar -- it takes one to know one" and you say the same. You're quick to choke on your own words. Hipocrisy overtakes your soul (Hipocrisy is your game). And in the end, you're the one left alone. As it turns out, this was your biggest sin. Overdose on your own medicine before you get the chance to learn this lesson.

//

All alone with a withered heartbeat, he wonders why you left him to take the blame. It's all that results from his parents' screams. He tries with all he has to stay sober, to stay above the harmful highs. It's too hard to deal. He doesn't want to call this hell home for another day. Takes his board and the few bucks he has and decides to get away. Takes that hundred dollar necklace he brought last week and places it in his mother's hands before he leaves. He figures that it may bring some light into her darkest days. This may be the last time she sees his eyes, the last he sees her attempt at a genuine smile. Out the door, he wonders why love is a lie, wonders why he always had to see his mother cry.

//

Hide alone under the bleachers day after day, whispering but not getting answers. "It's pointless, nothing but wishful thinking", and only then is when they pain truly sets in. Without a hand in front of you, you've lost your map, and the black never fades. Your eyes are covered by a sinful shade. Ungraceful child, you need a fix. Grab the hand, hold onto it.

//

All walls will be demolished today, leaving my vunerable bones standing alone. It's my last day, but it's the start of something new. Rays of heated gold brush my face. I miss what used to be. I don't want to know what could be.

^^^That one sucks, but it's part of this paper I'm writing in my creative writing class. Just thought I'd through it in here for fun.

A Lie Like This

Standing in a crowded room
I'm talking to everyone
But I can't even hear my own voice
Am I the only one who can feel alone at a time like this?
No, I know I can't be
No, I know I can't be saved

The silence that surrounds me is infinite

I'm up against a wall now
And there's no way out
Wall close in
The deafening darkness
And I'm blinded
I need an escape
(Escape)

And all I've seen
Has led me to this
Always searching for a hand to hold
Maybe this isn't real
Ignorance loses its grip
Now, I know I can be
Now, I know I can be saved

The silence that surrounds me is infinte

I'm up against a wall now
And there's no way out
Walls close in
The deafening darkness
And I'm blinded
I need an escape

There's a song hidden in the silence
There are eyes hidden in the darkness
But you can't uncover truth
When you live in an illusion

I'm up against a wall now
And there's no way out
Walls close in
The deafening darkness
And I'm blinded
I need an escape
(A lie like this)

Vent

Ughh I need to vent, and putting things up on here may be a mistake, but I can care less.

I can not stand when people try to one-up me. I can't even explain how much it pisses me off. Listen, it's not my fault that you need guys' attention to feel all confident about yourself, and in all honesty, I feel bad for you that that's what you need to thrive on just to feel good. If you stay like that, you're going to get caught in sucky situations in the future, so have fun. So when I start talking to these guys that I knew before you did and actually want to get to know them for good reasons, not just so I can say "ohhh a guy talks to me!", don't try taking it from me to feel better about yourself. So maybe I am blowing it out of proportion. But this is not the first time. And it does begin to look a little suspicious when you suddenly talk to certain people a hell of a lot more only after I tell you that they willingly talk to me and say certain things. And then you attempt to rub things in my face. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but it's what you are doing. Back off and stop trying to compete with me. It's not my fault, and I would like to talk to these people without feeling like I'm having a competition with you over their attention. It's so ridiculous and immature.

And don't worry, it's not only you, and like I said, it's not only this time.

Another thing I absolutly can not stand -- when people copy the things I do. Oh my god, it pisses me off to no end. I am my own person. Why don't you try being your own person, too? Really, it's fun. You should give it a try some time. I do the things I do because it's me. I don't do them to try to get you to follow me. Believe me, I don't want any little followers. Don't take credit for my work. Don't rip my style. Don't try getting into the things I'm into just because you want that kind of particular attention. For example, music. Don't say to me that you wish you can like music like I do just because you want people to see you a certain way. Please, that's pathetic. And it has been said to me before. If you really want to go to shows with me, go because you genuinely like the music, please, and not because of the array of guys. I mean, sure, the guys are a nice added bonus, but that's not what you go to shows for. But you know, whatever, if you want to do that, go ahead and look like an idiot. It still gives me somebody to go with and that's cool.

I hate followers. And I probably sound like such a bitch right now, but I don't care. I really just needed to say this stuff, and now I'm going to confuse the hell out of people who read this because they will think it's about them. And chances are, it's not.

Okay. I finished that song from the last blog. I'll probably post it a little later.
Thanks for wasting your time reading my complaints. Bye.

Incomplete

Standing in a crowded room
I'm talking to everyone,
But I can't even hear my own voice.
Am I the only one who can feel alone at a time like this?
No, I know I can't be.
No, I know I can't be saved.

And the silence that surrounds me is infinte.


Remind me to finish this song. Thanks.

Birthday

Happy birthday to me :]
I can't believe I'm 18. That's crazy.
But now I can get my tattoo hah.
I'm excited for tonight.
And I just seem to be into posting ridiculously pointless blogs lately.

"Ultimatums For Egos"

"The last thing that I wanted was your company,
but still you came running back here anyway.
And the truth is that I'll never tell you anything
because everytime I try,
my words come out and kill me quick.

Crush my dreams; I'll fade away.
As long as what you wanted was for me to be miserable.
I'm breaking down everyday.
The sky is a new shade of grey.

Trying to say sorry
when these were your intentions;
can't take back what you've said.
I'll never forgive, I'll never forget
(cross my heart)

The last thing that I needed was your sympathy,
but you still showed it to me anyway.
You live for your excuses,
and you should know by now that everytime you try,
your words come out and kill you quick.

Crush my dreams; I'll fade away
Why don't you throw away everything
to gain nothing at all
but one less person who cares if you end up dead.

I'll just forget."
~From First to Last


I think that quite possibly the most pointless emotion we have is jealousy. We all feel it, but it's just dumb. There is no sense in envying somebody else because they may have one thing that you want, and it's really closed-minded to think that everyone else around you has a better life than you do. To wish you were living someone else's life instead of your own is selfish and ridiculous. Everyone has problems in their life. That's what life is. The idea of "perfection" is simply just that: an idea. A mere thought that will never exist in reality. I wish everybody can just accept what they've been given and see that all the mountains we face have a meaning behind them. Every single one. And seeing that meaning makes us stronger. I just can't stand how so many people, especially those I'm surrounded by, let jealousy take a hold of their lives. Envy is the only thing that makes up some people. It's sad. You're pathetic. Give it up and give your life some worth.

Pointless

So apparently, things are "fixed" between my dad and I. Nothing that was said can really be taken back though, but we act like nothing happend. I guess sometimes, it really is necessary to fake it.

I'm going to be eighteen this Saturday :] That's crazy. I can't wait.

This Thursday, my hair is going to be purple. LMAO. That's crazy, too.

I didn't realize how pointless this blog was going to be. I did have a lot to write, but I don't feel that it's important anymore. Ehh oh well. Congratulations on wasting a minute of your life.

A Cycle Called Pain

So today, I was sitting in my media class getting bored with my project as usual, so I decided to check my email for the hell of it. That's when I got the email from my dad with a letter he wrote me as an attachment. I opened it, but seriously started to tear up without even reading it. I obviously was not going to read it in class, but that wound up being the only thing on my mind the entire day. Things are just hard right now.

I got home and read it, and I never expected it to be what it was about. My dad is the kind of person that never shows feelings. He wasn't raised in an outright loving family, and he didn't raise us to be that way either. There are no signs of affection in my family. In fact, the only hug I distinctly remember getting from my dad was the morning I was supposed to leave for Frost Valley in 9th grade. The weather was terrible, and the roads were just slates of ice. As all the parents were leaving, they hugged their kids goodbye. I'm still not sure if my dad only hugged me then just because he felt the pressure to be like the other parents, or if it was because he was truly afraid. We were all afraid of that trip; hence the reason why it wound up being postponed anyway. But I remember it just being the weirdest feeling getting a hug from my dad, and that's kind of upsetting to me. It shouldn't be a rare and unusual feeling when your own father hugs you, but that's the way it's always been in my family.

Anyway, back to that letter. He mentioned in it how he was raised that way, and how his whole family just kind of assumed that they all knew they loved each other. He said he never felt the need to tell his father how much he appreciated everything he did for his family and how much he really did love him. He always believed he would say it later on. Now, I knew my dad's own father died of a massive heart attack when my dad was only 20. He told me that a while ago, and it never really seemed to affect him, although I knew it must have. However, he never told me exactly what happend that day, and that's what the letter was mainly about. Essentially, my dad was the cause of his own father's death that night. It was pretty much because of him not being home on time that one night that his father got worried and a whole bunch of other things that eventually led to him having that final heart attack that night. I'm not going to sit here and write all that happend and what everything was about, but I'll just have you know that I was an emotional wreck as I read this letter, just as I have been this entire day. This was the first time my dad ever showed some sort of honest emotion, and everything it was about was just so hard to handle, since everything we have been going through. Things started to make sense about why he is the way he is and why he does the seemingly pointless things he does.

I feel terrible about everything. I know it's not completely my fault about what has happend between my dad and myself, but it still has a lot to do with me. If i wasn't so damn stubborn about everything and if I could just give into him once, maybe things wouldn't be the way they are now. But what happend happend. You can't change the past, but you can change the direction your life will continue to go. Ugh...I have so much more to say about all this, but I just can't deal with this anymore. Not today, anyway. I've had enough for today.

I'm Strong, I Survive

I don't really understand why people are so afraid of getting hurt. Well actually, that's a lie. I can understand it, but I don't think people should fear the pain so much. The way I see it, being hurt by anyone actually makes us stronger individuals in the longrun. We learn what life really is. We learn how to deal with life. We learn how to truly enjoy life without taking things for granted. We learn who and what is best for us. If we never got hurt, we would never be who we have become. We wouldn't grow. We would be boring and essentially pointless in this world. Pain isn't such a bad thing unless you let it be.

I am actually happy I've been through the experiences I have been through. I feel like I know a lot more about life than others do, and I appreciate that. I appreciate everyone who did hurt me when I didn't see life like this. You have made me who I am today.

I'm strong, I survive. You can't hurt me. But honestly, I'm sick of the lies.

Running With Mirrors

So apparently I don't really have a dad anymore. And my mom was never really much of a "mom" to me. Ehh oh well. Life goes on. I guess I've always been a loner anyway. My dad has taken on the whole "I'll hurt you before you can hurt me" reasoning. He figures that he'll cut me off before I have the chance to. He said his brother did it to his mom, and even he himself did it, but they're better now. And he says that when I go off to college, I'll do the same thing to him. Which isn't true. I was never planning on cutting him out of my life. It's a different story with my mom, but that's not what this was about. I won't get into anything else about it because it really is dumb and there is no fixing things anymore.

On a different note, I have no idea what I really want anymore. I'm so confused about what I should do. Part of me wants to wait. But then the other part wants to go after the opportunities that have been presenting themselves to me, and I just can't have both things. Honestly, a lot of doors have been opened to me recently. There are some people that I want to hang out with more and get to know better, one in particular. Most of the other guys, I really don't care for in that way at all. But I really just don't know what to do.

I'm running with a mirror in front of me, and all that I left behind is all that I can see.

I love how everytime I think I finally figured things out, something else comes by and screws everything up again. Like today. Someone was talking to me about how I should have a boyfriend and all that stuff, the typical talk with him. Then a certain somebody who was standing next to us agreed and whispered a name in my ear. And that name didn't make anything easier at all.

The more I think about this stuff, the more confused I get. It really would've been nice to have something good in my life just to balance things out in a way. But you can't have everything. And I'm fine with what I do have.

"I Am the Culprit."

So my dad just told me that in a month, once I turn 18, he will kick me out of the house because he will finally have the legal right to do so. But until then, he says I'm on my own. Asshole.

I find it so ironic that the people I live with, the people that have created me and raised me for my entire life, are the people that seem to know the least about me. I guess I have nobody to blame but myself for that, but still. I seriously am the happiest I can ever remember being now, and my dad sits here and tells me it's all a lie. I am some ungrateful selfish little brat. His words. I don't care what the hell they say, though. I know that my life will be a hundred times better than theirs ever was or ever will be. I make something of myself. They don't.

Here I go sounding all emo again. Hah go me.



Save me.

Life Is Good :]

I got my first acceptance letter from a college today. I'm now accepted to Franklin Pierce University which is awesome. What's even better is that they awarded me the President's Scholarship, which is a total of $50,000 over four years ($12,500/year). I'm happy :] haha. And my parents didn't even congratulate me. Just like they didn't even think it was great that I actually made it into the top 10% of my class. Oh the love <3

But it doesn't even matter because life has been good to me. I'm not going to get into religion on here, but it does have a lot to do with it. I know that. But everything has just been falling into place on its own, and it's amazing.

The city yesterday was awesome. I had the best times with the best friends, minus a few. Days like yesterday really make me realize that I do love my friends. Hahah especially for what I found out was going on behind my back...bahahaha. But it really was a great day/night. Playing KKK, stuffed dogs in sex positions, random girls jumping out and scaring us on the streets, cologne that costs $22,000 "honey"...lmao it doesn't get better.

Fight off Fears

It's a battle with myself
A conflict deep within
and I'm not sure if I'll ever win

Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

So I think I confuse some people a lot. I don't mean to, and I never realize until it's too late but yeahh. I should probably work on that.

I ran into a certain somebody unexpectedly tonight. Someone I haven't seen in a really long time, and honestly did not want to see again. It's my fault. And I selfishly pretended that I didn't even notice him and ran the other way. I'm sorry. But one of the previous posts is about you. You probably know which one if you're reading this.

This has been one hell of an interesting week. No lie. There's been a common theme of people telling me that I'm amazing this week, too and it's just really weird. I don't know who is actually sincere about it or not. I just don't take anyone seriously. But it's just so weird that it seemed to come in an abundance in one single week when throughout my whole life, I've only heard those words maybe a total of two times.

Ughh I think I have a lot to work on, starting with my mistakes. What an emo little scene kid I sound like.