God Only Knows What I Would Say To You

Just something random I came to realize: "Home" does not mean "building" and "family" does not mean "blood".

Anyway, I realized that from pretty much the start of the school year, I have constantly been suppressing my feelings for whoever I may have them for. I constantly deny the fact that I may in fact be crushing on someone. And all the denying makes myself believe that to be true. I just couldn't come to terms that maybe I was possibly falling for someone. I think it was kind of used as a form of protection. If I didn't think I really had feelings towards someone, how could I possibly get hurt if things didn't work out? And it probably all came about once I realized that things like that never seem to work out for me. It's all pretty dumb, and I never realized it until recently. You see, the whole denial thing is the voice of the mind, but I found that this time around, my body built up the strength to speak over my mind. You could deny a simple thought, but you can't deny a racing heart, a nervous body, and a face that's always in your head. So with that, I've come to realize that maybe I am falling for someone :x.

I read through my most recent journal today. It's always kind of entertaining in a way to read through old journals and see how what you thought or felt actually plays out in the future. It's also entertaining to see how your feelings for someone play out and totally change up over the course of a few weeks.

In one entry, one of the sentences I wrote wound up relating to the whole me being a prick ordeal: "I feel like my actions are untrue, but after all we've talked about, I can't do this to you." And with that said, I ended things. Like a month after I wrote that. Eh, I got around to it eventually.

I also found some little verses I wrote (mostly in math so it seems) that I don't think I've ever put anywhere, so here's a random collection of a few:

New birds keep circling my head
Each sings the same song
You always had ways to make your words sound so sweet
Maybe I'm wrong.


Some silly little spiritual thing I wrote a while back:
I'm down on hands and knees trying to find the missing pieces,
Trying to mend the ultimate mistake
That final fall where you begin to break
Without the nails that hold you there,
You're broken.
You keep searching, but you never feel real
Worthiness isn't found in the faithless.


Part of something I meant to finish, but never did:
The tides come in and drift me away to a place where the sun never sleeps. I find myself resting in an open field surrounded by evergreens. I sing my story out to them, and my secrets they keep.
That's crappy.

And this one, I wrote 7 months ago, yet it somehow still fits perfectly to my situation now:
Every opportunity shot down by mistake.
I convince myself lies are reality to get you away from me,
but recently,
You're the one thing I want most.
And in all honesty,
I fear what I desire most.

It's not much of a "collection" after all. I don't feel like searching for anymore now.

But on another note, the same situation has happened all over again that leaves me feeling like the wrong one, but I'm really not. I always keep my mouth shut when that particular gut feeling kicks in because I feel bad. But it feels worse to have to deal with it face-to-face and see with your own eyes how the person is trying to hide their pain but failing miserably. Those kind of things are so much easier to do behind a computer screen or text message. Which is pathetic, impersonal, and unclear. But still, easier to deal with on both ends.
Here's to another round of love triangles...