Scarred.

I couldn't sleep at all last night. So instead, I laid in bed and thought over a lot of things. And I realized that I always say how this year is my favorite thus far, and that's true. However, if someone just met me and listened to my stories (or for those of you who actually, for reasons beyond me, sit here and have read my recent blogs) I don't think people would believe me at all. I can't even believe myself lately. But I think I finally figured it all out.

I honestly love who I am as a person, and I know I have a lot to offer, but lately, I've been feeling like my life has no meaning at all. I've been feeling like I make nothing of myself, and that my life is going nowhere fast. And I realized that it isn't truly my fault that I feel that way about myself now. I put all the blame on my dad. After the countless fights we've had, I've always been able to stay true to myself. I wouldn't let him win no matter what, just because I'm so damn stubborn. But finally after 18 years, he found a way to get me. He really has gotten in my head. And he is the reason I feel so worthless. Why now and not all the other times? Because maybe he actually has reasons now. At least, he's made me believe that. Maybe he is actually right this time around. Maybe he finally did break me.

No. Impossible.

But after thinking about that, I started to wonder why that after all these years, my dad has scarred me emotionally countless times and has really personally affected me for a liftetime, while my mom really hasn't done much to me personally, yet I still dispise her and always run back to my dad. Maybe it's a comfort thing. I always used to be Daddy's Girl when I was little. He was the one I always ran to. My mom was never there. So maybe it's just that that's what I know, so I just do it without a thought. But it can also be because my dad at least has a set of morals and has a tiny fragment of a heart left in him. My mom, on the other hand, has neither of those.