7.01.2008
And
I just realized after posting that blog that it's July already. I have to keep reassuring myself that this summer just started, but it's amazing by how fast time moves when you're pressed for it.
God Only Knows What I Would Say To You
Just something random I came to realize: "Home" does not mean "building" and "family" does not mean "blood".
Anyway, I realized that from pretty much the start of the school year, I have constantly been suppressing my feelings for whoever I may have them for. I constantly deny the fact that I may in fact be crushing on someone. And all the denying makes myself believe that to be true. I just couldn't come to terms that maybe I was possibly falling for someone. I think it was kind of used as a form of protection. If I didn't think I really had feelings towards someone, how could I possibly get hurt if things didn't work out? And it probably all came about once I realized that things like that never seem to work out for me. It's all pretty dumb, and I never realized it until recently. You see, the whole denial thing is the voice of the mind, but I found that this time around, my body built up the strength to speak over my mind. You could deny a simple thought, but you can't deny a racing heart, a nervous body, and a face that's always in your head. So with that, I've come to realize that maybe I am falling for someone :x.
I read through my most recent journal today. It's always kind of entertaining in a way to read through old journals and see how what you thought or felt actually plays out in the future. It's also entertaining to see how your feelings for someone play out and totally change up over the course of a few weeks.
In one entry, one of the sentences I wrote wound up relating to the whole me being a prick ordeal: "I feel like my actions are untrue, but after all we've talked about, I can't do this to you." And with that said, I ended things. Like a month after I wrote that. Eh, I got around to it eventually.
I also found some little verses I wrote (mostly in math so it seems) that I don't think I've ever put anywhere, so here's a random collection of a few:
New birds keep circling my head
Each sings the same song
You always had ways to make your words sound so sweet
Maybe I'm wrong.
Some silly little spiritual thing I wrote a while back:
I'm down on hands and knees trying to find the missing pieces,
Trying to mend the ultimate mistake
That final fall where you begin to break
Without the nails that hold you there,
You're broken.
You keep searching, but you never feel real
Worthiness isn't found in the faithless.
Part of something I meant to finish, but never did:
The tides come in and drift me away to a place where the sun never sleeps. I find myself resting in an open field surrounded by evergreens. I sing my story out to them, and my secrets they keep.
That's crappy.
And this one, I wrote 7 months ago, yet it somehow still fits perfectly to my situation now:
Every opportunity shot down by mistake.
I convince myself lies are reality to get you away from me,
but recently,
You're the one thing I want most.
And in all honesty,
I fear what I desire most.
It's not much of a "collection" after all. I don't feel like searching for anymore now.
But on another note, the same situation has happened all over again that leaves me feeling like the wrong one, but I'm really not. I always keep my mouth shut when that particular gut feeling kicks in because I feel bad. But it feels worse to have to deal with it face-to-face and see with your own eyes how the person is trying to hide their pain but failing miserably. Those kind of things are so much easier to do behind a computer screen or text message. Which is pathetic, impersonal, and unclear. But still, easier to deal with on both ends.
Here's to another round of love triangles...
Anyway, I realized that from pretty much the start of the school year, I have constantly been suppressing my feelings for whoever I may have them for. I constantly deny the fact that I may in fact be crushing on someone. And all the denying makes myself believe that to be true. I just couldn't come to terms that maybe I was possibly falling for someone. I think it was kind of used as a form of protection. If I didn't think I really had feelings towards someone, how could I possibly get hurt if things didn't work out? And it probably all came about once I realized that things like that never seem to work out for me. It's all pretty dumb, and I never realized it until recently. You see, the whole denial thing is the voice of the mind, but I found that this time around, my body built up the strength to speak over my mind. You could deny a simple thought, but you can't deny a racing heart, a nervous body, and a face that's always in your head. So with that, I've come to realize that maybe I am falling for someone :x.
I read through my most recent journal today. It's always kind of entertaining in a way to read through old journals and see how what you thought or felt actually plays out in the future. It's also entertaining to see how your feelings for someone play out and totally change up over the course of a few weeks.
In one entry, one of the sentences I wrote wound up relating to the whole me being a prick ordeal: "I feel like my actions are untrue, but after all we've talked about, I can't do this to you." And with that said, I ended things. Like a month after I wrote that. Eh, I got around to it eventually.
I also found some little verses I wrote (mostly in math so it seems) that I don't think I've ever put anywhere, so here's a random collection of a few:
New birds keep circling my head
Each sings the same song
You always had ways to make your words sound so sweet
Maybe I'm wrong.
Some silly little spiritual thing I wrote a while back:
I'm down on hands and knees trying to find the missing pieces,
Trying to mend the ultimate mistake
That final fall where you begin to break
Without the nails that hold you there,
You're broken.
You keep searching, but you never feel real
Worthiness isn't found in the faithless.
Part of something I meant to finish, but never did:
The tides come in and drift me away to a place where the sun never sleeps. I find myself resting in an open field surrounded by evergreens. I sing my story out to them, and my secrets they keep.
That's crappy.
And this one, I wrote 7 months ago, yet it somehow still fits perfectly to my situation now:
Every opportunity shot down by mistake.
I convince myself lies are reality to get you away from me,
but recently,
You're the one thing I want most.
And in all honesty,
I fear what I desire most.
It's not much of a "collection" after all. I don't feel like searching for anymore now.
But on another note, the same situation has happened all over again that leaves me feeling like the wrong one, but I'm really not. I always keep my mouth shut when that particular gut feeling kicks in because I feel bad. But it feels worse to have to deal with it face-to-face and see with your own eyes how the person is trying to hide their pain but failing miserably. Those kind of things are so much easier to do behind a computer screen or text message. Which is pathetic, impersonal, and unclear. But still, easier to deal with on both ends.
Here's to another round of love triangles...
6.26.2008
Here's To Getting Old
So while everyone is at prom and I'm here waiting for them to all come home so I can spend the rest of the night in the city, I might as well write a blog. That's what my life amounts to, I guess.
I can't believe this week ends it all. Graduation is Saturday, and then I can finally kiss high school goodbye. It's such a bittersweet thing, though. I mean, I'm excited that I can finally move myself away from Deer Park and all the people I grew up with that I'd rather not know. Some of these people here made my life a living hell for a good three years straight. Some of these people did damage to me that's irreversible. But, it's those very people that made me into the person I am, too, so I do have to thank all those little bitches. You made me better than you. You gave me the stregnth and the eyes to get farther in life than you ever will. I win. Thank you.
Speaking of those little bitches, I'm kind of excited for my 10 year reunion already. I look foward to see all of them a good 50 pounds over weight with a sucky job (or a job that requires them to suck off their boss every hour just to stay employed, because they actually would agree to that), no one to love, and nothing to truly look foward to. There's a little thing called karma, and it will bite your fat ass. For some of you, it already has.
Anyway, back to the bittersweet ending of pretty much the first chapter in our lives. Although I truly can't stand most of my graduating class and don't even associate with the vast majority of them, they are still the people that I've grown up with. They are what I've known for these past 12 years. I don't think we really realize the effect we all have on each other on a daily basis, but I do think that people will start to see it when we start college. We all unintentionally take comfort in going to school day after day to walk the halls with the same familiar faces year after year. We leave for two months every year, and sometimes during that time off, we really do start to miss some people, but we always come back to see them again. That ends now. What follows up these two months is different than what we've always known. We're going from the small winding halls of DPHS to the big winding paths of a college campus, of our new home, of our new set of familiar faces. I think we all feel the same way: even though we say we hate each other, a small part of us all is really going to miss each other.
Saturday will be the last time I see the majority of the people I've known my whole live. I wish it could hit me then so I can take it in, but it won't. Oh well. I'm happy with the way everything ended, though. It's weird how life works out sometimes. Everything that had needed to be said for years suddenly was this year, particularly in the last few months. Like, there was this one kid that played a pretty huge roll in my life for, well tweleve years. But the way things played out were riduculous to say the least. Everything was left open for years, but in the last few months of school, things just fell into the right place to bring a sense of closure to it all. This isn't going to make sense to anyone other me, now that I'm thinking about it. But that's typical in some of these blogs. Oh well. But basically, everything that needed to be said was said. And not just in that one case. It's a nice way to leave things, I guess.
I feel old. The first chapter has been written and signed off.
I can't believe this week ends it all. Graduation is Saturday, and then I can finally kiss high school goodbye. It's such a bittersweet thing, though. I mean, I'm excited that I can finally move myself away from Deer Park and all the people I grew up with that I'd rather not know. Some of these people here made my life a living hell for a good three years straight. Some of these people did damage to me that's irreversible. But, it's those very people that made me into the person I am, too, so I do have to thank all those little bitches. You made me better than you. You gave me the stregnth and the eyes to get farther in life than you ever will. I win. Thank you.
Speaking of those little bitches, I'm kind of excited for my 10 year reunion already. I look foward to see all of them a good 50 pounds over weight with a sucky job (or a job that requires them to suck off their boss every hour just to stay employed, because they actually would agree to that), no one to love, and nothing to truly look foward to. There's a little thing called karma, and it will bite your fat ass. For some of you, it already has.
Anyway, back to the bittersweet ending of pretty much the first chapter in our lives. Although I truly can't stand most of my graduating class and don't even associate with the vast majority of them, they are still the people that I've grown up with. They are what I've known for these past 12 years. I don't think we really realize the effect we all have on each other on a daily basis, but I do think that people will start to see it when we start college. We all unintentionally take comfort in going to school day after day to walk the halls with the same familiar faces year after year. We leave for two months every year, and sometimes during that time off, we really do start to miss some people, but we always come back to see them again. That ends now. What follows up these two months is different than what we've always known. We're going from the small winding halls of DPHS to the big winding paths of a college campus, of our new home, of our new set of familiar faces. I think we all feel the same way: even though we say we hate each other, a small part of us all is really going to miss each other.
Saturday will be the last time I see the majority of the people I've known my whole live. I wish it could hit me then so I can take it in, but it won't. Oh well. I'm happy with the way everything ended, though. It's weird how life works out sometimes. Everything that had needed to be said for years suddenly was this year, particularly in the last few months. Like, there was this one kid that played a pretty huge roll in my life for, well tweleve years. But the way things played out were riduculous to say the least. Everything was left open for years, but in the last few months of school, things just fell into the right place to bring a sense of closure to it all. This isn't going to make sense to anyone other me, now that I'm thinking about it. But that's typical in some of these blogs. Oh well. But basically, everything that needed to be said was said. And not just in that one case. It's a nice way to leave things, I guess.
I feel old. The first chapter has been written and signed off.
6.24.2008
Scarred.
I couldn't sleep at all last night. So instead, I laid in bed and thought over a lot of things. And I realized that I always say how this year is my favorite thus far, and that's true. However, if someone just met me and listened to my stories (or for those of you who actually, for reasons beyond me, sit here and have read my recent blogs) I don't think people would believe me at all. I can't even believe myself lately. But I think I finally figured it all out.
I honestly love who I am as a person, and I know I have a lot to offer, but lately, I've been feeling like my life has no meaning at all. I've been feeling like I make nothing of myself, and that my life is going nowhere fast. And I realized that it isn't truly my fault that I feel that way about myself now. I put all the blame on my dad. After the countless fights we've had, I've always been able to stay true to myself. I wouldn't let him win no matter what, just because I'm so damn stubborn. But finally after 18 years, he found a way to get me. He really has gotten in my head. And he is the reason I feel so worthless. Why now and not all the other times? Because maybe he actually has reasons now. At least, he's made me believe that. Maybe he is actually right this time around. Maybe he finally did break me.
No. Impossible.
But after thinking about that, I started to wonder why that after all these years, my dad has scarred me emotionally countless times and has really personally affected me for a liftetime, while my mom really hasn't done much to me personally, yet I still dispise her and always run back to my dad. Maybe it's a comfort thing. I always used to be Daddy's Girl when I was little. He was the one I always ran to. My mom was never there. So maybe it's just that that's what I know, so I just do it without a thought. But it can also be because my dad at least has a set of morals and has a tiny fragment of a heart left in him. My mom, on the other hand, has neither of those.
I honestly love who I am as a person, and I know I have a lot to offer, but lately, I've been feeling like my life has no meaning at all. I've been feeling like I make nothing of myself, and that my life is going nowhere fast. And I realized that it isn't truly my fault that I feel that way about myself now. I put all the blame on my dad. After the countless fights we've had, I've always been able to stay true to myself. I wouldn't let him win no matter what, just because I'm so damn stubborn. But finally after 18 years, he found a way to get me. He really has gotten in my head. And he is the reason I feel so worthless. Why now and not all the other times? Because maybe he actually has reasons now. At least, he's made me believe that. Maybe he is actually right this time around. Maybe he finally did break me.
No. Impossible.
But after thinking about that, I started to wonder why that after all these years, my dad has scarred me emotionally countless times and has really personally affected me for a liftetime, while my mom really hasn't done much to me personally, yet I still dispise her and always run back to my dad. Maybe it's a comfort thing. I always used to be Daddy's Girl when I was little. He was the one I always ran to. My mom was never there. So maybe it's just that that's what I know, so I just do it without a thought. But it can also be because my dad at least has a set of morals and has a tiny fragment of a heart left in him. My mom, on the other hand, has neither of those.
6.15.2008
Make Your Feet Touch The Ground
I don't really know how to explain things right now except that a few months back, I said I needed a slap in the face to bring me back down to earth again. Well, I guess this is my slap in the face. I knew I needed it.
I want to go away. Being up at my college last weekend was nice. Sure, a little part of me did want to come home, but as soon as I actually got home, I wanted to go back up there so bad. It was nice just to get away from things. Like, when you're away, you feel like all your problems from home just disappear. You don't have to worry about them anymore. Only, when you get back home, you realize they didn't go anywhere. And it sucks.
I didn't find a single person up at college that was even remotely close to being like me. It was disappointing, I'm not gonna lie. But there are still 4 other orientation groups that I haven't met yet, so I can't get down. And even though I was still kind of lonely up there, I wound up liking it more than here. I don't know, maybe it's just the slump I've put myself into here.
I'm really looking foward to finding someone somewhat like me. Someone that's into things I'm into, and is really into it because that's just what they like; not because it's what is "cool" or because they want to fit into a certain crowd or something. I want to find someone who shares the same beliefs as me and has a similar outlook on life. Some that I can actually have a good conversation with. I've never found anyone like that here. Or maybe I have, but I'm just blind to it, in which case I am sorry.
On another note, I feel like I've made so many careless decisions this year that I shouldn't have made. I've gotten so lazy. And I feel like most things are just worthless lately. Like all the decisions I make mean nothing. But I've realized that they mean a lot, and that I was stupid for what I've done. I've given up things I should have kept.
I have also realized that I grew up a lot this year, but that I stil have a lot more growing up to do.
Ugh. Hopefully, this summer will turn things around.
I want to go away. Being up at my college last weekend was nice. Sure, a little part of me did want to come home, but as soon as I actually got home, I wanted to go back up there so bad. It was nice just to get away from things. Like, when you're away, you feel like all your problems from home just disappear. You don't have to worry about them anymore. Only, when you get back home, you realize they didn't go anywhere. And it sucks.
I didn't find a single person up at college that was even remotely close to being like me. It was disappointing, I'm not gonna lie. But there are still 4 other orientation groups that I haven't met yet, so I can't get down. And even though I was still kind of lonely up there, I wound up liking it more than here. I don't know, maybe it's just the slump I've put myself into here.
I'm really looking foward to finding someone somewhat like me. Someone that's into things I'm into, and is really into it because that's just what they like; not because it's what is "cool" or because they want to fit into a certain crowd or something. I want to find someone who shares the same beliefs as me and has a similar outlook on life. Some that I can actually have a good conversation with. I've never found anyone like that here. Or maybe I have, but I'm just blind to it, in which case I am sorry.
On another note, I feel like I've made so many careless decisions this year that I shouldn't have made. I've gotten so lazy. And I feel like most things are just worthless lately. Like all the decisions I make mean nothing. But I've realized that they mean a lot, and that I was stupid for what I've done. I've given up things I should have kept.
I have also realized that I grew up a lot this year, but that I stil have a lot more growing up to do.
Ugh. Hopefully, this summer will turn things around.
6.09.2008
6.03.2008
The Winner's Downfall
Apparently when I get rid of one thing, all the others follow.
I've put myself in a mindset that I hate to be in. It sucks. But I can't fix it. Really, I just don't know what's going on anymore, with anything. I probably do it to myself. I always had the tendency to think about things so much to the point where I just confuse myself even more than I already was to begin with. Everything is just a little off now, that's all. I mean, everything was awesome. Real awesome. This year has been my favorite so far. But because it was so awesome, when things die down the tiniest bit, it seems worse than it really is. I'm probably not making any sense to whoever is reading this right now. Sorry.
When you're at the top, something will eventually knock you down. I went from feeling like the most loved person ever, for a good two months at least, to having nobody. Maybe I deserved this. Maybe I did it to myself, and I'm just blind to that fact.
I walk with blinders, never noticing what's at my side.
I've put myself in a mindset that I hate to be in. It sucks. But I can't fix it. Really, I just don't know what's going on anymore, with anything. I probably do it to myself. I always had the tendency to think about things so much to the point where I just confuse myself even more than I already was to begin with. Everything is just a little off now, that's all. I mean, everything was awesome. Real awesome. This year has been my favorite so far. But because it was so awesome, when things die down the tiniest bit, it seems worse than it really is. I'm probably not making any sense to whoever is reading this right now. Sorry.
When you're at the top, something will eventually knock you down. I went from feeling like the most loved person ever, for a good two months at least, to having nobody. Maybe I deserved this. Maybe I did it to myself, and I'm just blind to that fact.
I walk with blinders, never noticing what's at my side.
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