Cyclic, Drug-Like Mind

And once again, I will say that everything happens for a reason.

Take what I just found out, for example. It all makes sense now why the one person I really want to get to know on this campus is the one person I haven't had a chance to talk to yet (keyword: yet. Remember, we still have over 3 years now). Everything falls into place, and everything eventually works itself out. It's nice. But this is fucking crazy, and it's still blowing my mind. It's a small world, that's for sure.

But now with that figured out and put aside, I'm still dealing with the issues of feeling like I'm leading people on accidentally, and that has got to be a sucky thing to feel on the opposite side. It's just my personally, I guess, and I don't know how to fix the problem while continuing to make new friends. I'm still just trying to adjust to this new life I have here, and I'm learning a little more each day. Well, sort of. Who knew that something like this can have its problems? I never thought that something so good, so desirable by most, could actually be considered a "curse" of some sort. I really have no right to complain about my life at the moment, but with every positive comes a negative, and I'm just confused.

What confuses me even more is how much I still want one particular person. This summer will be interesting, I'm sure.

Isn't it awesome that someones attractiveness usually increases when you feel like they're "untouchable". You always want what you can't have, and I keep believing that I can't have you. That's why out of everyone I can have on this campus, I want you the most. Makes total sense in some weird, distorted way.

Anyway, I'm writing this out of boredom, and it's lame. So the end to this.

Selfish Hunter

What it comes down to is who is going to be there for you in the end. A best friend does not leave you at the drop of a dime. They don't make up stupid rumors about you behind your back, ditch you night after night, or imply that you are not allowed to make new friends. Makes sense to me. But apparently you can't say the same.

A friend should also build you up, improve your life. I don't need sucky friends that only either bring my life down or do nothing whatsoever to help it. Nobody does.

Also, another big component of a friendship is having things in common. Seriously, my friends here just look at a picture of me and my friends at home and are left confused. "How are you friends with girls like that? They don't seem like you in the slightest bit." That's a typical response. And it's the truth. You don't have to dig deep to see that. Because I was pretty much just handed my friends at home (which I am thankful for, believe it or not) I did not get the chance to pick and choose friends based on personalities, interests, and whatnot. I am not the type of girl that's into being a super shopper, being the tannest I can possibly get, willing to spend hundreds of dollars on a fucking bag, or believe that I need a guy on my arm to be something. That's not me. I'd rather go to a show, get covered in other people's sweat, get pushed around to the point where I can hardly breathe anymore, and go deaf for a day over any of that shit. Do you see the problem? Because it's pretty clear to me. I don't have all that much in common with my friends from home. And that poses a problem.

Up until middle school, every single best friend I had wound up moving away. I lost them all to things beyond my control. In middle school, I lost all my friends who jumped on the bandwagon that rested on the other side of the wall from where I was standing. Each and every one of them turned their back on me and put me through the toughest times of my life. Yeah, the people that were once my friends. In high school, my friends were full of stupid nonsense drama. I lost a best friend, and almost a few more actually, to the fact that I befriended an awesome guy who was my best friend to date. Senior year, my friends also got pissed because me and someone else in our "group" got closer, and are still best friends today. People are stupid. But anyway, I had two legit best friends at home. The end.

But one awesome thing about going away to college is that you get a new start on things. You get to pick and choose each and every friend you make. And I've made some pretty awesome friends at that. We have things in common, things that actually mean something to me. I know they have my back. They'd protect me when the time came, unlike people I previously knew.

So how can you fault me for wanting to make new friends? Did you really expect me to go off to college and sit in my dorm every hour of every fucking day interacting with no one? Yeah, it doesn't work like that. To put it simply, I'm a person with big dreams. Hell, I couldn't fit my name on my class ring so I wrote "Dreamer" instead (yeah, I really did that). I had dreams of some perfect life I wanted for myself, and at college, all of that is playing out in front of my eyes. If you had the chance, you'd do the same thing. Anybody would. And again, you can't fault me for having an awesome college experience while everyone at home hates theirs. That is beyond my control.

So drop it.

Someone once told me that one of the things they liked most about me was how upfront I am (funny, because that only happened after I called them out) but yeah. Some people like it. Many hate it. Oh well. Same goes for me being opinionated. It's got its pros and cons. You choose only to see the cons. So shoot me. Whatever. It'll be your loss.

Bam. I'm done now.

Faulty Matches

You will see this eventually.

I was so sure about what I was about to do before I actually went and did it. Just the sequence of events that happened over the past few weeks and the irony/coincidence of it all made me believe that it was something that needed to be done. But now I'm not so sure. I've been having the feeling that I may have made a mistake, but I guess that's just a feeling that goes hand in hand with leaving someone behind. Right now, I feel that my life is at a standstill, and when that happens is the only time I look into the past. I hate doing that. And it confuses the hell out of me for no reason. You can't change the past. Everything happens for a reason. All the cliches, they're true so there's no need to dwell on it, but I am. I just really really need a spark. Just one, and I'll make myself believe that everything will happen the way I thought it would.

There's still a lot I want to talk to you about, but you won't talk. Being ignored hurts a lot more than I expected, but it's probably only because you're the one ignoring me.

And I thought that'd make it all easier. But there was always something about you. I could bitch and whine and curse at the situation for hours, but the second I heard your voice, it was like you never did anything wrong, and that's always how it was for some reason. I wanted to be mad at you. You deserved it. But I couldn't and it sucked because it just made it that much harder.

And The Truth Is...

You couldn't have picked a better time to do this.
I'm not happy with it, still, but you're timing is obviously better than mine.
And you're so unaware of this.

Needless to say, this weekend shall be interesting.

I'm Okay. I Promise.

So as of last night/today, I've come to the realization that I'm worrying people. So if you are one of those worrywarts, listen up:

I am okay, and I always will be.

There's never any reason to worry about me; I promise you that. There's nothing I hate more than when people are worried about me. Well okay, maybe there are some things I hate more. But seriously. And don't take offense to it when I won't tell you what's wrong, pleaseeee. I've never been open when it comes to my feelings, and it will take a long time before I am. I've made steps, but I'm not at the point where I will spill my life to anyone willing to listen. It's nothing against anyone; it's just me. And I will mention yet again that that is the very reason why I started this blog in the first place. This is where I open up slightly more. A computer screen doesn't show emotion (unless you count emoticons). People do. And sometimes I fear people's reactions to the stories I tell. People always seem to feel offended when I don't open up to them, and it hurts me to see that. With that, the creation of this came about for my friends to follow things I don't tell them. The end.

Now, nothing devastating happened to me at all. People feel down some days. I'm allowed to, too, alright? It's normal. Sure, there are reasons that made me feel that way this past week, but it's nothing big, scary, and disastrous, so don't worry.

But for those that were worrying, I appreciate it, I guess. I mean, I suppose it shows that people care and whatnot. But that thing is just not for me.

The Apocalypse Is 3 Years Early

Either the planets are aligned, I'm going insane, or the world is going to end this year. Screw that whole 2012 theory. I think the Mayans were a little off. All of the little events that have happened within the past few days are quite ironic, I guess you can say. Really, it's all just too weird, and if anything, it makes me even more confused.

One person is apparently leaving my life?
One person is re-entering my life.
And one person is setting himself up for the future life of Stephanie.
It sounds like it works out. Now, if only it did.

I think maybe I should pass on the whole psychology thing and become a psychic instead. Seriously. Apparently, I wouldn't be half bad at it.

Torn Up In Bits and Pieces On The Floor

I can't remember the last time I felt like this. I'm miserable. I'm torn. I'm confused. I'm frustrated. I don't know what to do.

Just when I thought I decided on what I was going to do, you told me that and changed what I thought I knew. And now I'm like this.

I wrote in my once-daily journal for the first time tonight since August 16th. That's when you know...

I had high hopes for this month back home. You were the only reason I ever wanted to come home, and I hope you know that. But you let me down and I let myself down and this is all just pissing me off.


Positivity: I found out today I made the Dean's List.
Negativity: There's too much of it for me to even care about that.