Torn Up In Bits and Pieces On The Floor

I can't remember the last time I felt like this. I'm miserable. I'm torn. I'm confused. I'm frustrated. I don't know what to do.

Just when I thought I decided on what I was going to do, you told me that and changed what I thought I knew. And now I'm like this.

I wrote in my once-daily journal for the first time tonight since August 16th. That's when you know...

I had high hopes for this month back home. You were the only reason I ever wanted to come home, and I hope you know that. But you let me down and I let myself down and this is all just pissing me off.


Positivity: I found out today I made the Dean's List.
Negativity: There's too much of it for me to even care about that.

It's Not Fitting, But I'll Make It So

Ugh. I really don't want to think like this, but I can't help it. I told myself from the beginning that I was not going to run away from it this time around. I had to learn. And I wanted to learn. But now I'm telling myself that I've learned what I needed to, and it's not like I'm running from this. It's just bound to happen. I have more to learn though, and I know it. And I swear I'm not using you just to "learn". I like you, and I have for a long time.

As weird as it seems, I think I need to go back to school in order to figure out things here. I just have a feeling that when I get back, I'll know what to do. Too bad the timing would be horrible, though.

This was a rambling rant that will make absolutely no sense to anyone reading it.



"and I just can't get this off my mind
My voice it yells inside
It tells me all the time
That I could leave right now
Oh, it tears me up to see this place
green and a machine washed grey"
-The Early November

New Year Despair

In all honesty, I'm kind of scared for this new year. See, I believe that life always balances itself out. Two years ago, my best friend of the time had the worst year of his life, and I told him my little theory of sticking it out until the upcoming year, because the new year would be amazing for him. And guess what, it was the best year of his life. It's happend for me, and I've called it for other people too. With that said, 2008 seemed to have been my favorite year thus far, despite the dicks I ran into, my dad practically disowning me for a month, the financial struggles, etc. The way I see it, it'd be incredibly difficult to one-up 2008. And taking what was said of my little "theory", this year shouldn't be better than last. So far, it has started out on the wrong foot, anyway. I mean, in just the first week of 2009, I had a wake to attend and a benefit for a baby with brain cancer. Yeah, sounds like an awesome start to a new year. However, I also can not think of what can possibly go so terribly wrong this year, either, so I think I'll be okay. Well, I hope anyway.

I probably just jinxed myself or something.

Time to briefly expand on the last entry. I saw Pete only a few days before he died, and stupid, selfish, self-absorbed me decided to try avoiding him simply because I didn't feel like talking to him at the time. Little did I know it'd be the last chance I'd have to talk to him. And the scene of when I last saw him has been continuously replaying in my head since I found out he got hurt. I didn't think he was going to die. What's worse is that only a week or two before, I was talking about how a teacher of mine once said that nearly every class will have that kid that's going to die young, and I was like "Oh, I wonder who that'll be from my class, not like I'd care..." I mean, sure, I didn't associate with the vast majority of my class for reasons. I didn't care for most of them. So who would've thought that the one who would die would be a guy I actually did talk to? Nevermind the part that it happend a week after the fact.

God's funny sometimes, isn't he? There's a quote in this book I'm reading (I know, I know; who reads books anymore?) that says, "God is a comedian playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh." Yeah, I'd agree. These things can be entertaining if you look at it under a certain light. But I'm not laughing this time.

You know what I am kind of laughing at, though? Two people I wound up running into at the wake earlier that I hadn't seen in months/years. Just random, but it was a reminder that I think I needed to see.

Nobody Knows Why These Things Happen

I won't forgive myself.

Me and my stupid selfish ways. I vow to never again avoid somebody just because I'm too damn self absorbed and don't feel like associating myself with them at the moment. Never again.

And what I said just a week or so ago about losing someone in my class and how heartless I was about it. And now it happend. Ugh. I'm a terrible person, it's not even funny.

Maybe I'll write more about this later, because I do have more to say. But God knows I can't talk about my feelings, and this is no exception.

I'm sorry. I can never forgive myself. Rest In Peace, Peter.

This Blog Is Raw Because This Blog Is Me.

I don't know why I write some of these things in here that can get me in trouble, but I do it anyway.

Actually, I lie. I know why I write them. Because it's the purpose of this blog to get all of you who actually pay attention to it to know who I am. So I do/say things that may be wrong. Eh, it happens. This just in: I am not God. I am me.

Shocker, I know.

But anyway, for the past 2 nights in a row, I've had dreams about Mr. Screw-Me-Over-1. I hope you don't know who you are, because this would just be creepy then, but I'm sure you're smart enough to figure it out. Oh well. Anyway, they're weirding me out. I don't know why you've been on my mind so much lately, but it's not necessarily a good thing, especially considering current situations and my state of mind. But in all honesty, I've always wondered what would happen if another chance with you came around. From the start of the ending of it all, I hated the fact of leaving things the way they were: so close to something good, just at the wrong time. I HATED the fact that I wouldn't know if it all could have worked out and been awesome and what not.

Oh well. Everything happens for a reason. If you know me, you know I live by that mantra. But I still don't know why that all happend with you. Maybe it was to prepare me for the next person after you that did pretty much the same exact thing to me as you did? Probably not. That wouldn't make much sense now that I think of it. I'll figure it out eventually. But for now, please stay out of my dreams, k? They're supposed to be preserved for someone else.

Someone else that I miss and I wanted to see a lot of this month.
Hey, I saw a shooting star tonight. And as cheesy as it sounds, I was thinking about how I wanted to see you when I saw it fall. Today, I realized that it's like you're the one that moved away instead of me. I don't think that should be the case.

My Head Should've Exploded By Now

So fine, I'll admit it for once. I am a flirt whore. But there's nothing wrong with that as long as I don't actually do anything, right? ...right? Ugh.

It's weird just how different things can be here. I realized after being home for Thanksgiving break that being here and being home really are two completely different worlds. I got used to the looks, the flirting, the everything that I witness everyday here. Then, I got home and none of that seemed to happen. That's how it always was at home, though. I don't really get the feeling that people want to get to know me there. The attention I get is nothing like it is here.

Before college, I didn't have luck in this department. I always felt like most guys I liked, the few that there were, were always out of my league or something. Granted, that did change once I ventured out of Deer Park for a little while. That's when I decided I needed a slap in the face because I was getting a little full of myself. Thank God I did get that slap in the face, because I hated myself then. And if I didn't learn my lesson back then, I'd be really bad right now. It's just so weird. Every guy I've had my eye on, I realize that I actually can get. It's new to me, but there's not a thing to complain about with it. And as egotistical as that statement sounds, it seems to be true. Every guy I wanted to get to know but had no idea how I would actually go about doing that, I've actually gotten to know so far. Every guy I've found attractive here, I've found that they wouldn't mind going after me as well. I mean, come on; the guy I saw at orientation back in June and thought was the most attractive guy I've ever seen in person, I'm friends with now. Not only that, but he has considered going after me, despite the fact that he currently has a girlfriend of his own. I always said my whole "4 years" mantra, and others are backing me on that now.

I think maybe having someone back at home is what's really keeping me grounded here.

On another note, I've also discovered here that my knack for knowing what people are feeling can be quite entertaining. Just by watching people in my classes, I've called it so many times. Who likes who, who wants who to like them and stop liking another person, etc. I have fun with it. It's good to know I'm making use of the thousands of dollars that are put towards my classes.

I think I'm the only person here that is not looking forward to going home.

This was a really self-centered blog.
I'm a terrible person.

November Was Non-Existent

That's sad.

But on another pointless note, if you were here, everything would be perfect.