Faulty Matches

You will see this eventually.

I was so sure about what I was about to do before I actually went and did it. Just the sequence of events that happened over the past few weeks and the irony/coincidence of it all made me believe that it was something that needed to be done. But now I'm not so sure. I've been having the feeling that I may have made a mistake, but I guess that's just a feeling that goes hand in hand with leaving someone behind. Right now, I feel that my life is at a standstill, and when that happens is the only time I look into the past. I hate doing that. And it confuses the hell out of me for no reason. You can't change the past. Everything happens for a reason. All the cliches, they're true so there's no need to dwell on it, but I am. I just really really need a spark. Just one, and I'll make myself believe that everything will happen the way I thought it would.

There's still a lot I want to talk to you about, but you won't talk. Being ignored hurts a lot more than I expected, but it's probably only because you're the one ignoring me.

And I thought that'd make it all easier. But there was always something about you. I could bitch and whine and curse at the situation for hours, but the second I heard your voice, it was like you never did anything wrong, and that's always how it was for some reason. I wanted to be mad at you. You deserved it. But I couldn't and it sucked because it just made it that much harder.

And The Truth Is...

You couldn't have picked a better time to do this.
I'm not happy with it, still, but you're timing is obviously better than mine.
And you're so unaware of this.

Needless to say, this weekend shall be interesting.

I'm Okay. I Promise.

So as of last night/today, I've come to the realization that I'm worrying people. So if you are one of those worrywarts, listen up:

I am okay, and I always will be.

There's never any reason to worry about me; I promise you that. There's nothing I hate more than when people are worried about me. Well okay, maybe there are some things I hate more. But seriously. And don't take offense to it when I won't tell you what's wrong, pleaseeee. I've never been open when it comes to my feelings, and it will take a long time before I am. I've made steps, but I'm not at the point where I will spill my life to anyone willing to listen. It's nothing against anyone; it's just me. And I will mention yet again that that is the very reason why I started this blog in the first place. This is where I open up slightly more. A computer screen doesn't show emotion (unless you count emoticons). People do. And sometimes I fear people's reactions to the stories I tell. People always seem to feel offended when I don't open up to them, and it hurts me to see that. With that, the creation of this came about for my friends to follow things I don't tell them. The end.

Now, nothing devastating happened to me at all. People feel down some days. I'm allowed to, too, alright? It's normal. Sure, there are reasons that made me feel that way this past week, but it's nothing big, scary, and disastrous, so don't worry.

But for those that were worrying, I appreciate it, I guess. I mean, I suppose it shows that people care and whatnot. But that thing is just not for me.

The Apocalypse Is 3 Years Early

Either the planets are aligned, I'm going insane, or the world is going to end this year. Screw that whole 2012 theory. I think the Mayans were a little off. All of the little events that have happened within the past few days are quite ironic, I guess you can say. Really, it's all just too weird, and if anything, it makes me even more confused.

One person is apparently leaving my life?
One person is re-entering my life.
And one person is setting himself up for the future life of Stephanie.
It sounds like it works out. Now, if only it did.

I think maybe I should pass on the whole psychology thing and become a psychic instead. Seriously. Apparently, I wouldn't be half bad at it.

Torn Up In Bits and Pieces On The Floor

I can't remember the last time I felt like this. I'm miserable. I'm torn. I'm confused. I'm frustrated. I don't know what to do.

Just when I thought I decided on what I was going to do, you told me that and changed what I thought I knew. And now I'm like this.

I wrote in my once-daily journal for the first time tonight since August 16th. That's when you know...

I had high hopes for this month back home. You were the only reason I ever wanted to come home, and I hope you know that. But you let me down and I let myself down and this is all just pissing me off.


Positivity: I found out today I made the Dean's List.
Negativity: There's too much of it for me to even care about that.

It's Not Fitting, But I'll Make It So

Ugh. I really don't want to think like this, but I can't help it. I told myself from the beginning that I was not going to run away from it this time around. I had to learn. And I wanted to learn. But now I'm telling myself that I've learned what I needed to, and it's not like I'm running from this. It's just bound to happen. I have more to learn though, and I know it. And I swear I'm not using you just to "learn". I like you, and I have for a long time.

As weird as it seems, I think I need to go back to school in order to figure out things here. I just have a feeling that when I get back, I'll know what to do. Too bad the timing would be horrible, though.

This was a rambling rant that will make absolutely no sense to anyone reading it.



"and I just can't get this off my mind
My voice it yells inside
It tells me all the time
That I could leave right now
Oh, it tears me up to see this place
green and a machine washed grey"
-The Early November

New Year Despair

In all honesty, I'm kind of scared for this new year. See, I believe that life always balances itself out. Two years ago, my best friend of the time had the worst year of his life, and I told him my little theory of sticking it out until the upcoming year, because the new year would be amazing for him. And guess what, it was the best year of his life. It's happend for me, and I've called it for other people too. With that said, 2008 seemed to have been my favorite year thus far, despite the dicks I ran into, my dad practically disowning me for a month, the financial struggles, etc. The way I see it, it'd be incredibly difficult to one-up 2008. And taking what was said of my little "theory", this year shouldn't be better than last. So far, it has started out on the wrong foot, anyway. I mean, in just the first week of 2009, I had a wake to attend and a benefit for a baby with brain cancer. Yeah, sounds like an awesome start to a new year. However, I also can not think of what can possibly go so terribly wrong this year, either, so I think I'll be okay. Well, I hope anyway.

I probably just jinxed myself or something.

Time to briefly expand on the last entry. I saw Pete only a few days before he died, and stupid, selfish, self-absorbed me decided to try avoiding him simply because I didn't feel like talking to him at the time. Little did I know it'd be the last chance I'd have to talk to him. And the scene of when I last saw him has been continuously replaying in my head since I found out he got hurt. I didn't think he was going to die. What's worse is that only a week or two before, I was talking about how a teacher of mine once said that nearly every class will have that kid that's going to die young, and I was like "Oh, I wonder who that'll be from my class, not like I'd care..." I mean, sure, I didn't associate with the vast majority of my class for reasons. I didn't care for most of them. So who would've thought that the one who would die would be a guy I actually did talk to? Nevermind the part that it happend a week after the fact.

God's funny sometimes, isn't he? There's a quote in this book I'm reading (I know, I know; who reads books anymore?) that says, "God is a comedian playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh." Yeah, I'd agree. These things can be entertaining if you look at it under a certain light. But I'm not laughing this time.

You know what I am kind of laughing at, though? Two people I wound up running into at the wake earlier that I hadn't seen in months/years. Just random, but it was a reminder that I think I needed to see.