Here's To Getting Old

So while everyone is at prom and I'm here waiting for them to all come home so I can spend the rest of the night in the city, I might as well write a blog. That's what my life amounts to, I guess.

I can't believe this week ends it all. Graduation is Saturday, and then I can finally kiss high school goodbye. It's such a bittersweet thing, though. I mean, I'm excited that I can finally move myself away from Deer Park and all the people I grew up with that I'd rather not know. Some of these people here made my life a living hell for a good three years straight. Some of these people did damage to me that's irreversible. But, it's those very people that made me into the person I am, too, so I do have to thank all those little bitches. You made me better than you. You gave me the stregnth and the eyes to get farther in life than you ever will. I win. Thank you.

Speaking of those little bitches, I'm kind of excited for my 10 year reunion already. I look foward to see all of them a good 50 pounds over weight with a sucky job (or a job that requires them to suck off their boss every hour just to stay employed, because they actually would agree to that), no one to love, and nothing to truly look foward to. There's a little thing called karma, and it will bite your fat ass. For some of you, it already has.

Anyway, back to the bittersweet ending of pretty much the first chapter in our lives. Although I truly can't stand most of my graduating class and don't even associate with the vast majority of them, they are still the people that I've grown up with. They are what I've known for these past 12 years. I don't think we really realize the effect we all have on each other on a daily basis, but I do think that people will start to see it when we start college. We all unintentionally take comfort in going to school day after day to walk the halls with the same familiar faces year after year. We leave for two months every year, and sometimes during that time off, we really do start to miss some people, but we always come back to see them again. That ends now. What follows up these two months is different than what we've always known. We're going from the small winding halls of DPHS to the big winding paths of a college campus, of our new home, of our new set of familiar faces. I think we all feel the same way: even though we say we hate each other, a small part of us all is really going to miss each other.

Saturday will be the last time I see the majority of the people I've known my whole live. I wish it could hit me then so I can take it in, but it won't. Oh well. I'm happy with the way everything ended, though. It's weird how life works out sometimes. Everything that had needed to be said for years suddenly was this year, particularly in the last few months. Like, there was this one kid that played a pretty huge roll in my life for, well tweleve years. But the way things played out were riduculous to say the least. Everything was left open for years, but in the last few months of school, things just fell into the right place to bring a sense of closure to it all. This isn't going to make sense to anyone other me, now that I'm thinking about it. But that's typical in some of these blogs. Oh well. But basically, everything that needed to be said was said. And not just in that one case. It's a nice way to leave things, I guess.

I feel old. The first chapter has been written and signed off.

Scarred.

I couldn't sleep at all last night. So instead, I laid in bed and thought over a lot of things. And I realized that I always say how this year is my favorite thus far, and that's true. However, if someone just met me and listened to my stories (or for those of you who actually, for reasons beyond me, sit here and have read my recent blogs) I don't think people would believe me at all. I can't even believe myself lately. But I think I finally figured it all out.

I honestly love who I am as a person, and I know I have a lot to offer, but lately, I've been feeling like my life has no meaning at all. I've been feeling like I make nothing of myself, and that my life is going nowhere fast. And I realized that it isn't truly my fault that I feel that way about myself now. I put all the blame on my dad. After the countless fights we've had, I've always been able to stay true to myself. I wouldn't let him win no matter what, just because I'm so damn stubborn. But finally after 18 years, he found a way to get me. He really has gotten in my head. And he is the reason I feel so worthless. Why now and not all the other times? Because maybe he actually has reasons now. At least, he's made me believe that. Maybe he is actually right this time around. Maybe he finally did break me.

No. Impossible.

But after thinking about that, I started to wonder why that after all these years, my dad has scarred me emotionally countless times and has really personally affected me for a liftetime, while my mom really hasn't done much to me personally, yet I still dispise her and always run back to my dad. Maybe it's a comfort thing. I always used to be Daddy's Girl when I was little. He was the one I always ran to. My mom was never there. So maybe it's just that that's what I know, so I just do it without a thought. But it can also be because my dad at least has a set of morals and has a tiny fragment of a heart left in him. My mom, on the other hand, has neither of those.

Make Your Feet Touch The Ground

I don't really know how to explain things right now except that a few months back, I said I needed a slap in the face to bring me back down to earth again. Well, I guess this is my slap in the face. I knew I needed it.

I want to go away. Being up at my college last weekend was nice. Sure, a little part of me did want to come home, but as soon as I actually got home, I wanted to go back up there so bad. It was nice just to get away from things. Like, when you're away, you feel like all your problems from home just disappear. You don't have to worry about them anymore. Only, when you get back home, you realize they didn't go anywhere. And it sucks.

I didn't find a single person up at college that was even remotely close to being like me. It was disappointing, I'm not gonna lie. But there are still 4 other orientation groups that I haven't met yet, so I can't get down. And even though I was still kind of lonely up there, I wound up liking it more than here. I don't know, maybe it's just the slump I've put myself into here.

I'm really looking foward to finding someone somewhat like me. Someone that's into things I'm into, and is really into it because that's just what they like; not because it's what is "cool" or because they want to fit into a certain crowd or something. I want to find someone who shares the same beliefs as me and has a similar outlook on life. Some that I can actually have a good conversation with. I've never found anyone like that here. Or maybe I have, but I'm just blind to it, in which case I am sorry.

On another note, I feel like I've made so many careless decisions this year that I shouldn't have made. I've gotten so lazy. And I feel like most things are just worthless lately. Like all the decisions I make mean nothing. But I've realized that they mean a lot, and that I was stupid for what I've done. I've given up things I should have kept.

I have also realized that I grew up a lot this year, but that I stil have a lot more growing up to do.

Ugh. Hopefully, this summer will turn things around.

The sad thing is

I couldn't even tell you where home is.

The Winner's Downfall

Apparently when I get rid of one thing, all the others follow.

I've put myself in a mindset that I hate to be in. It sucks. But I can't fix it. Really, I just don't know what's going on anymore, with anything. I probably do it to myself. I always had the tendency to think about things so much to the point where I just confuse myself even more than I already was to begin with. Everything is just a little off now, that's all. I mean, everything was awesome. Real awesome. This year has been my favorite so far. But because it was so awesome, when things die down the tiniest bit, it seems worse than it really is. I'm probably not making any sense to whoever is reading this right now. Sorry.

When you're at the top, something will eventually knock you down. I went from feeling like the most loved person ever, for a good two months at least, to having nobody. Maybe I deserved this. Maybe I did it to myself, and I'm just blind to that fact.

I walk with blinders, never noticing what's at my side.