Bleeding Hearts

This is the coolest bush. Be jealous that you do not have one in your backyard.

"Stephanie, what's wrong with you? You get something good for once and then go and throw it away? Do you want anything that's actually good?" That seems to be a general consensus. But nobody really understands the situation, and they can't unless they are either me or one of the people involved. I don't know why I even bother explaining it, because the only thing people gain from that is a tarnished perception of who I am now. It's annoying. Yes, I did do some things wrong. I am aware; you don't need to throw it in my face when you don't even know the facts. But the reason it's done is because I did do things wrong and came to that realization. I can not sit there and knowingly hurt people that I care about, especially when they never did anything wrong to me. Even if they did deserve it, I just can't do that.

Whatever. What's done is done, and it's really not a big deal at all. People like to blow things out of proportion sometimes. Anyway, I think I may have feelings for somebody else now anyway. Already?! Yes, already. Be quiet.

/

Again, life is good. I'm enjoying it :]

The things I have wanted are still coming my way without me having to do anything. So it seems, anyway. It's always nice when things like that happen. And I've always been aware that when things seem this good for this long, something is bound to go wrong. You can never stay on the top forever. But you can live in the moment and not worry about what may happen. Doing that only ruins what is good. So essentially, you wind up knocking yourself off the pedestal you were granted.

/

By the way, University of Hartford Class of 2012. Hi.

KAN-JAM!

Somebody buy this for me. It's a big hit upstate, and we're bringing it to Long Island.

El.Oh.El.

Your Secret Is My Sin.

Mistakes are nothing more than false conclusions. There are no mistakes. Everything happens because it is supposed to be that way. That's fate, and I'm a strong believer of it. I did think that I was making mistakes, but then I realized what I just wrote to be true. Things about me may be changing in ways that I can't fully explain or understand right now, that's true. But I'm not fucking up my life or anything. Even if I was, then my life was meant to be fucked. But I'm not so it doesn't matter. One thing I've learned from life is that everything really does have a meaning behind it, and sometimes it takes years to see it. And then sometimes, it takes a day. Whatever the case may be, there's some bigger reason why I did what I did and why I do what I do. I'm not a bad person, but maybe I'm taking some things for granted right now. I don't like the idea of that, but at the same time, I'm not going to simply stop living my life because I fear that I might be doing it wrong, because what really is wrong when it comes to the way your life plays itself out?

You're looking through green glass
praying this won't last
another night
she stole all the stars from your sky

All secrets have an expiration date. Nothing can stay hidden forever. And most times, things don't need to stay hidden forever. The importance that backs secrecy seems to slowly disintegrate with time as situations grow and change.

Colors blend together; vision becomes nothing more than a blur. Blinded, the pull of the rope is the only thing left to rely on. Open myself up to you; see what lies inside me. You can steal it if you'd like. In this dimly lit room, nobody will ever know. So, with eyes still covered, I'll walk through that door. I can't see who holds it open. but desire's heat begins to burn my newly-fitted skin. Your secret is my sin.
//
A full moon pulls the waters
No termination
No hesitation
The similarities of our lives are put into perspective on the shore
//
Overturn the stones and see the marks they hide. These aren't lies, and you can no longer put on that expired disguise. Line them up the way they said. This path, you made it. No forks to face, no endings in sight. You realize that beside your own selfish feet are identical footprints. You've been here before. This circular path of indulgence was your creation. Nobody to blame but your own name.

Life's Funny.

Life has a sense of humor.

"I Did This To Myself"

So Daddy says I'm a girl whose existence is pointless. I make nothing of myself. I'm worthless here. And that I might as well kill myself now if I think I can keep living life the way I am, because that's just not how the world works. Why am I a pointless nobody? Because I don't live my life the way society tells me to. Because I live my life for me, not you. Because the reason I do things is to be happy, so I actually want to live. I don't understand what the point in living is if you can't even be happy with yourself and where you are at. I don't understand how you can go your whole life living it the way other people expect you to, and living it for money alone. Money sucks. The economy sucks. I'm dead-ass broke. But you know what? I'm happy, and to me, that's the most important thing. You say it yourself; you can't say that for your own life. I don't know, maybe it's me, but I think you're life is the pointless one, not mine.

On another note, I make mistakes. You make mistakes. We all make mistakes. There's nothing wrong with actually being wrong as long as you learn something from it, and I'm learning with every step I take. And I'm learning even more now just how important honesty is. Telling someone the truth upfront is like getting stung by a little bumble bee. The sting hurts at first, but the pain eventually goes away, and it won't come back because that bumble bee loses it stinger and dies with just that one action. Keeping the truth hidden for a while and then having it slip out later on down the road is more like being stung by a bigass wasp. It hurts a hellalot. And the pain keeps coming back, because that wasp doesn't lose it's stinger with that one action. The action can repeat, and the pain doesn't subside as quickly or easily. Get it?

I don't even know if that's true. I'm pretty sure it is, though. But considering I'm fucking scared to death of bees, I never actually hang around them enough to get myself stung. I probably should just shut the hell up now. But really, like that stupid little saying goes, "Honesty is the best policy".

Why is it that once you're at the top, somebody is always there to try to pull you down?

Live it up.

"Denial of Affection."

Short, sweet, and to the point: Only I can fix the mistakes you made in the way you raised me. And that's what I'm doing now -- trying to do what I can to feel what I should have for all those years. I never got the chance to know.

They say that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I never believed that to be a fact.

Cover Your Ears, Boy...These Are Secrets You Don't Want To Hear.

Secrets. Everybody has them. You let them out, and they become intriguing to everyone else. You keep them to yourself, and they seem to become even more intriguing to you alone. Most secrets turn out not to be so important with time, and are often let out. Some secrets, however, are meant to stay that forever, a secret that nobody else can know about. I think maybe the most common reason for that occurs when morals get confused; when you can't figure out right from wrong anymore, and you really don't want to find out.

In all honesty, life is awesome right now. I have always had this kind of vision of how I expected my life to be and what I actually wanted from it, and I never saw it becoming reality until I hit college for some reason. But I'm not in college yet, obviously, and it's here. All I've wanted seems to just be coming to me, and I don't have to do a thing for it. Usually in situations like that, something will always go wrong and everything will be lost, but I don't think that is going to happen this time around. In time, we all get what we deserve, and maybe I really do deserve all I've been getting. I'm pretty sure I do. It's like the conversation I was having with a friend the other day about this girl that caused me an insane amount of problems for three straight years, and really made my life a living hell at the time. Where is this girl that seemed to have everything and more back then? Well, now she's a highschool dropout drugged-up nobody. Ehh sorry, but you deserve it, bitch. Where am I for putting up with so much crap and not letting it transform me into a bitch myself? I am here getting all I have wanted. Karma? Sure.

Bored.

So I'm bored and feel like writing, but I don't know what about. I was told to just keep writing, and something will come, which does tend to happen, so I'll do it. This will probably be pointless anyway.

Random: At church on Sunday, there was this guy sitting in front of me whose bald spot was in the shape of a cross. No lie. And I just found it to be the coolest and most appropriate thing for church. ahah Because I'm an idiot like that sometimes, and I need to find dumb things to entertain me at church.

Speaking of church, I won't get into it all because I know some people find anything relating to religion totally annoying and crap, and I don't want to bother people with my little views on things they just don't want to hear. But, someone mentioned something to me about how I don't say or do a lot of the things "expected" of you in church, and I then went into my little rant. But really, I don't like the church all that much. I mean, yes, I am faithful, which is one reason why I do actually go to church. But the whole concept of the church kind of pisses me off. There is so much conformity in the church, and so many rules you are expected to follow. You have to believe A, B, and C to be Christian, and if you don't agree with one thing, it's like you're sentenced to hell. I think it's almost hypocritical in a way that you have to follow all those rules as you go around preaching that God will love you no matter what you do. I feel a lot of things about the church are just totally fake and a load of crap essentially. If you believe, you believe. It's in your heart, and I don't see the need to go around preaching those things to the world just to prove yourself. AND if you have ever been to church, do you realize that every single prayer read aloud sounds like some cult chant? Because, really, it does and it is eerie.

Alright, I'm done with that little rant, and I'm sorry for wasting your time as I try to think of something more meaningful to write in here.

Something about people has been getting to me lately. It's nothing personal and nothing that necessarily pertains to me, yet I just find it annoying how ungrateful people seem to be. I guess I really started thinking on it after a girl in my school now lost both of her parents. I don't want to exploit that on here, because she's already had to deal with enough, and I honestly could not feel more sympathy for her. But that very day that all of us found out, everybody seemed grateful for their life for a second. And then like five minutes later, they start complaining about how they hate life, and how today was the worst day ever. Why? Because you dropped your books and tripped over a rock? Be happy that's the worst thing that happend to you in a day. And yes, I am being a bit hypocritical here saying this, because we all do that at times, and I am not going to sit here and pretend I don't. But I really do appreciate every little thing I have in my life, and I wish everyone honestly could say the same.