Get To Know Me.

You are the one that haunts my dreams. I never asked you to be there, yet you always are; always whispering the words I can't bare to hear. And now all I can do is hold onto the middle of this rope of uncertainty being pulled from opposite ends.

When you expect to feel everything and instead are left feeling nothing, it's a little hard to comprehend, especially when the confusion grows exponentially instead of supressing like you imagined it would.

I can't help feeling confused. Nobody can. I said what I did today to try to get my point into your tiny, closed-minded heads. It wasn't supposed to be taken literally, but your ignorance always seems to take a hold of you guys. And now, you think I'm this selfish, cold-hearted person. You're supposed to be some of the people that know me best, and I'm not going to lie, it did hurt a little bit that you thought I'd really be like that. These things seem to happen a lot to me, and my personality gets mistaken for something else. Something like that. Just go back to all the drama that unfolded with both Anthony and Greg. No, I won't let that go. Why, you ask? Because you don't let it go. Sure, you don't bring up the names anymore, but you do bring up the situations, and it's not who I am. I don't purposely try to do these things, it just kind of happens. Some part of my head looks at girls and thinks "Hey, catty bitch! Leave." Seriously. I don't like girls, and I never look at one and think to myself "Hmm...she seems like a cool person to get to know." It just doesn't happen. I just find myself befriending guys more. They are more interesting to me, more fun, more truthful, and just better friends in my eyes than girls. Now, I'm not saying the girl friends that I have are crap. They just happen to be the few good ones around. So don't get on me for this. I like you guys. AND I would never lead a guy on intentionally, knowing I don't want anything to do with him. I never have done that, and never intend to. That's not what I'm doing, so stop making false accusations and letting your ignorance make it's way to your mouth and out into the open. You're better off keeping your mouth shut about the things you know nothing about. Thanks :]

New Light Sunrise

I went to sunrise mass for Easter yesterday, and it was such a beautiful thing, even on three hours of sleep haha. I've never actually seen the sunrise from the beach before, but it was always something I wanted to do. Everything else that went along with it was so inspiring, too. As we were driving there crossing the bridge, I was looking out over the water, the moon shining just above it, and a lot of things just seemed to make sense to me. Things were put into focus. It was cool too, to actually be standing on the beach with the darkness and the moon to my right, and the sun slowly coming up over the horizon on my left. To have both night and day with you is a pretty cool thing, and I found it reminiscent of life. Standing there weighing out the darkness and light of my life, I realized just how grateful I am for everything I have and everything I've ever experienced, good and bad. And I also thought about how amazing my life seems to be going lately. Like, this break alone has brought about so many awesome things. and I know they're not going to just disappear. I don't remember if I wrote it in here before, but I'll write it again anyway. I always used to think life had such sucky timing, but lately, life has been proving me wrong.

I really do feel it this time around. I don't think I've fallen faster, and I don't think I've ever felt this trusting of someone. Vunerablity is something most people fear. But they always say, if you face you fears, they disappear. This is no different.

Succumb to the Pressures

Optimism is shot to the ground by the skeptics bearing arms.

I was always quite the optimist until I met you. Then, that began to fade away beyond my control. I still don't really understand it, but you transformed me into some sort of skeptic. How you did it, I won't ever know. But now because of you, I'm skeptical about this one, too. I don't want this to happen all over again. I'm just afraid that after you, it's always going to be some kind of cycle that will never break. I can't live my life like that. But the circumstances that surround this one aren't really the best in the world, and I know that by jumping into this, I could be putting myself in the line of fire. I don't know whether I want it or not. I don't know whether it really is worth it.

I wonder what you would do if you knew all that I know. You think you have your secrets, but I know them all. I know your motives. I know why you're doing what you are, and personally, I think it's ridiculous. The way you seem to want to go about proving your "maturity" is actually one of the most immature things you'll do. Knowing your little secrets made me lose even more respect for you. You weren't what I thought you were cracked up to be. And you put something good on the backburner just so you can accomplish your little "goal". You lost the chance for something good. You won't have the opportunity back, because now that I've found out these things, I just don't want a part of you anymore. I know we all walk around saying that we live our lives free of regret, but I hope you regret this one. Honestly, I really think you will.

The waves crash down on me everyday.
You're not even close to what I thought you'd be.
The pressure
The pressure pushes me down further to drown.
It comes from all around me.
There's no escape.
The pressure
The pressure, it builds.

For the first time,
I feel like I have to be something I'm not.
Maybe hypocrisy is a natural tendency.
It shouldn't be fought.
It should be embraced.
Mindsets change.
This all started with you.

I can't stay this way forever.
These goals won't be met.
My values are far too untouchable.
This life was nothing but a dream.
Meeting you made me see

Maybe society does have its hold on me.
It's beneath my control.
I guess this is my destiny.
There's just no hope for me here.
Not if I stay this way.
Alone in the middle of the barren sea.

Have you ever felt like you were living life in some lifeless orb day in and day out? Things have really been starting to hit me lately, and I feel like I'm trapped in some kind of cell full of lifeless conformists who serve little to no purpose here. And what's worse is that I feel like these pointless things are holding me back from what I want my life to be. They're the bars that lock me in here, but there is a key. When I think about it, it's kind of an egotistical view on things. I hate admitting it, because I really hate to sound all arrogant and cocky, but a lot of times, I honestly do feel like the way I choose to live me life is better than most other people. And that mindset is what locks me into that cell. I put myself at a higher place, somewhere I may not belong, and then I feel alone up at the top with nowhere to go. But today, I kind of started to scare myself a little bit. I started really thinking about the pressures I've been beginning to witness, and realized that they're only going to grow more intense as time goes on. Especially hitting college. And I started to think that giving in to a certain one of those pressures is the only way I can survive and not be on my own forever. (btw, no, this is not about drinking) It was such a dumb thought to come to my head. I'm stronger than that. I have a hell of a lot more willpower than that. It's just frightening sometimes to think about yourself against society, and how standing up for what you believe in makes you such an outcast in the world. Being an individual leaves you alone.

Erase Your Sympathy

So I'm bored and felt like posting randomness.

In my creative writing class, we had to come up with three Haiku poems -- one for a distinct insight, one for a spiritual insight, and one to paint a clear picture. I came up with these in like two seconds tops. They're pretty crappy, but that's what happens with two seconds of thought.

Distinct Insight:
Lost
Indecision rules
Spinning minds hold the reigns
Which way do you turn?

Spiritual Insight:
Guidance
I hear it alone
The whisper from above
Grab the hand to hold

Clear Picture:
Serenity
The "rawr" of the ocean waves
Under the midnight sky
Thoughts encircle me.

And here's what I did in math yesterday:

Your eyes follow the rhythm of the swinging pendulum. I know I always said I preferred truth, but just for this time, spare my feelings and leave me in the dark. To validate my suspicions is to butcher my heart. Erase your sympathy.

It's not really about me. I love the learning I do in school.
Anyway, way to be a fucking hypocrite. The only person you are screwing over is yourself. Have fun, kid.

Spinning minds hold the reigns.
They put my games to shame.

King Indecisive holds the throne,
While others are destined to live alone.

The torture, the terror, the lies.
Staying here, it's our demise.

Overdose On Your Own Medicine.

I got accepted to University of Hartford today, which is pretty sweet since that's where I'm probably going to wind up going. I got another $12,000/year scholarship, and since my family is broke, I get a combined total of a little over $28,000 financial aid, so that's pretty sweet, too :]

//

Alright, so on to bigger and better things. I met this kid in the mall Sunday. His name was Tyler, and honestly, I was pretty inspired by his story. After basically playing a game of cat-and-mouse for a good 2 hours, I finally just wound up talking to him, and was suprised at what he decided to tell me right off the bat. Basically, he was sick of all the crap going on at home, so he ran away and found his way to the mall where he'd been alone for a few hours already. He was supposed to meet up with friends, but they all ditched him. He decided he wasn't going home until somebody came looking for him to show they cared, which he figured was not going to happen. So pretty much, he decided that he was going to spend the entire day in the mall, and when it closed, he was going to try to stay the night at a friend's house. This was the first time he really ran away from home for good. Other times, he'd just find himself under the bleachers alone at his school. His girlfriend broke up with him a few days before. He was broke, and could have sold a $90 necklace he brought recently, but instead, he decided to give it to his mom on the way out the door, figuring that maybe it would add a little bit of light in her day. He was having one of the worst days, but he's a tough kid. He broke 8 bones, but only got one fixed -- his elbow which came through his skin :x. He also told me that he liked his town just because there are always so many fights, and he's either in them all or doesn't hear about them. There was one fight he got into because some assholes called his friend gay when he really was. Tyler wound up getting stabbed in the hand during that fight. I saw all these scars. Pretty sick stuff, not gonna lie. He's in two bands and loves to make music. And he lost his faith in God after all this crap started happening to him.

//

He reminded me so much of another kid I know, but what I thought was even weirder was how much of myself I actually saw in this guy. Of course, I don't get into fights on a daily basis, and I haven't broken 8 bones, but there was a lot of emotional shit this kid went through that caused him to be and do all these different things, things that I, myself, have lived through and felt. I wish I could have explained to him how things will get better and how you need to get out of the mindset he put himself in to see that, because that's how I got out of it. That's the only reason I've really learned to love life, and I want him to see that, too. But you can only see that for yourself. These are things I don't talk about. But really, if there was just one thing I could have possibly done for him, I hope it was that I brought at least a little bit of light into his dark day. I know how much it means just to have someone there to listen to you, especially when you spend a whole day alone and feel worthless.

//

I've been doing a lot of writing in class lately, just ideas and stuff that could turn into really long songs or something. I get bored.

//

Justify the untold truth with your lies, then run to put on another disguise. I won't wait around here anymore, and you'll never win. Overdose on your own medicine. You will come back running in no time at all. I don't want to hear your cires; it's all your fault. They say, "Liar -- it takes one to know one" and you say the same. You're quick to choke on your own words. Hipocrisy overtakes your soul (Hipocrisy is your game). And in the end, you're the one left alone. As it turns out, this was your biggest sin. Overdose on your own medicine before you get the chance to learn this lesson.

//

All alone with a withered heartbeat, he wonders why you left him to take the blame. It's all that results from his parents' screams. He tries with all he has to stay sober, to stay above the harmful highs. It's too hard to deal. He doesn't want to call this hell home for another day. Takes his board and the few bucks he has and decides to get away. Takes that hundred dollar necklace he brought last week and places it in his mother's hands before he leaves. He figures that it may bring some light into her darkest days. This may be the last time she sees his eyes, the last he sees her attempt at a genuine smile. Out the door, he wonders why love is a lie, wonders why he always had to see his mother cry.

//

Hide alone under the bleachers day after day, whispering but not getting answers. "It's pointless, nothing but wishful thinking", and only then is when they pain truly sets in. Without a hand in front of you, you've lost your map, and the black never fades. Your eyes are covered by a sinful shade. Ungraceful child, you need a fix. Grab the hand, hold onto it.

//

All walls will be demolished today, leaving my vunerable bones standing alone. It's my last day, but it's the start of something new. Rays of heated gold brush my face. I miss what used to be. I don't want to know what could be.

^^^That one sucks, but it's part of this paper I'm writing in my creative writing class. Just thought I'd through it in here for fun.