The tide grabs hold of me again
This cycle is never ending
Swimming in a sea of irrational doubt again tonight
I've got eleven foot waves crashing over me
The fog clouds the distance I thought I could see
I need the strength to stay above
My habits are always getting the best of me
I feel this coming
I feel this coming
I have to break it before it breaks on me
The wind is pushing me further this time
But I'm about to throw myself overboard again
The current is strong
But the tide is weak
And I'm convinced this battle can't be won
I need the strength to stay above
My habits are always getting the best of me
I feel this coming
I feel this coming
I have to break it before it breaks on me
I've got stars in my eyes now, but I can't see
Swimming backwards
Treading the waters by your shore
Oh, just take a look at what you've done to me
I'm gonna be stranded here
Fighting off my predetermined destiny
10.24.2008
10.21.2008
We're Constraining Ourselves...
...These ropes are our own creation.
Oh, hi blog. It's been quite some time.
I hate when I have those periods where I just can't write. Nothing good, anyway. And that's how it's been for a while now, but I finally got some stuff going while I was trying to stay awake in philosophy today. What's weird is that those "dry spells" always seem to happen when you'd think I'd have the most to write about. Life is good. I've been continuously getting all I've wanted and life is finally falling into place the way I felt it always should have. It's a nice to finally experience that.
College, for the most part, is amazing in all aspects. So because I'm insanely bored and feel like writing some pointless crap, here's a list of what I've learned form college so far (in no particular order):
1. I am the Ben and Jerry's champ here. :)
2. ^ That has it's pros and cons (con: I'm getting fat. Sweet deal)
3. It's a bad idea to curse out your neighbors when the walls are paper thin. They will always hear you and call you out on it. (I still have yet to really learn this lesson :x)
4. Apparently I'm a Master Flirt and a tease, and I fail to ever realize it.
5. It's crazy how just putting 2 holes in your lip can completely change your social life.
6. People who give into peer pressure so easily because they're afraid to go against the grain upset me.
7. I will never get over my initial hatred towards girls, no matter how hard I try.
8. Real people do exist.
9. Pot isn't bad.
10. I still will never in my life break edge. Hold me to it.
11. It's okay to trust some people.
12. It's better to feel a little dumb here or there than to let potentially awesome opportunites slip away.
13. This blog has achieved it's goal of letting people see who I am.
14. I felt like I got little to no attention at home. It's a completely different story here.
15. Tile floors and iPods don't go well together.
16. I hate being told to do something I don't want to do and actually have to do it.
17. Being on my own doesn't phase me at all like I expected it might.
18. I'm on my way to learning how to live life right.
I thought I had the last one down before I left home, and for the most part, I did. I do think I have a pretty good hold on life and I live it in the way that's best for me. But I've learned things about myself, others, and life in general here that make me see I still have a lot to learn. I like that, though. Those kind of things had been absent in my life for a while, and I always knew there had to be more to learn.
Before I came here, I had touched upon my problems with myself, but I've managed to sort things out and make sense of the things I do now. The trust issues, the fear of letting people in, and the attachment issues in particular have cleared themselves up in recent weeks. It's about time. You have to be able to see the problem clearly in order to fix it, so really, it's about damn time.
And I'm trying this time around. I'm trying hard to not mess this one up like I've always done.
This is the falling out of pain and the coming of accepted vulnerability.
Oh, hi blog. It's been quite some time.
I hate when I have those periods where I just can't write. Nothing good, anyway. And that's how it's been for a while now, but I finally got some stuff going while I was trying to stay awake in philosophy today. What's weird is that those "dry spells" always seem to happen when you'd think I'd have the most to write about. Life is good. I've been continuously getting all I've wanted and life is finally falling into place the way I felt it always should have. It's a nice to finally experience that.
College, for the most part, is amazing in all aspects. So because I'm insanely bored and feel like writing some pointless crap, here's a list of what I've learned form college so far (in no particular order):
1. I am the Ben and Jerry's champ here. :)
2. ^ That has it's pros and cons (con: I'm getting fat. Sweet deal)
3. It's a bad idea to curse out your neighbors when the walls are paper thin. They will always hear you and call you out on it. (I still have yet to really learn this lesson :x)
4. Apparently I'm a Master Flirt and a tease, and I fail to ever realize it.
5. It's crazy how just putting 2 holes in your lip can completely change your social life.
6. People who give into peer pressure so easily because they're afraid to go against the grain upset me.
7. I will never get over my initial hatred towards girls, no matter how hard I try.
8. Real people do exist.
9. Pot isn't bad.
10. I still will never in my life break edge. Hold me to it.
11. It's okay to trust some people.
12. It's better to feel a little dumb here or there than to let potentially awesome opportunites slip away.
13. This blog has achieved it's goal of letting people see who I am.
14. I felt like I got little to no attention at home. It's a completely different story here.
15. Tile floors and iPods don't go well together.
16. I hate being told to do something I don't want to do and actually have to do it.
17. Being on my own doesn't phase me at all like I expected it might.
18. I'm on my way to learning how to live life right.
I thought I had the last one down before I left home, and for the most part, I did. I do think I have a pretty good hold on life and I live it in the way that's best for me. But I've learned things about myself, others, and life in general here that make me see I still have a lot to learn. I like that, though. Those kind of things had been absent in my life for a while, and I always knew there had to be more to learn.
Before I came here, I had touched upon my problems with myself, but I've managed to sort things out and make sense of the things I do now. The trust issues, the fear of letting people in, and the attachment issues in particular have cleared themselves up in recent weeks. It's about time. You have to be able to see the problem clearly in order to fix it, so really, it's about damn time.
And I'm trying this time around. I'm trying hard to not mess this one up like I've always done.
This is the falling out of pain and the coming of accepted vulnerability.
9.15.2008
9.13.2008
Confusion Is No Illusion.
I came to college with the idea of opening up and breaking down the walls that I always build. The idea was almost to not be me in that sense. Like, I was planning on just throwing myself out there in a way, doing things that I wouldn't normally do; kind of like experimenting with a bunch of things (but not a bunch of bad things). Really, it all had to do with guys. I've never been the kind of person that just jumps at a guy. I've never been the person to fall for a guy quickly. And I've never been the person to feel comfortable with the vunerability that comes with a relationship. I hated all of that about myself, and I figured college would be a good place to put forth the change, so when I do find a guy I really care for, I won't force it to stop short this time like I always manage to do.
Well, that whole plan was kind of altered from the start when my friend from high school who is also up here kept a watchful eye on every little thing that would happen with me and a guy. Nothing happend, just to point out, but like me hanging out in a guy's room, me at a party with a guy's hands all over me, me just meeting a guy. It's so annoying. Like really, I could take care of myself. I know how and when to get myself out of situations I shouldn't be part of. Let me be. BUT because this person from high school knew me and how I was before college, he now frowns upon me and implies that I'm being whoreish about a bunch of things and that I want to "rail" every somewhat attractive guy I see. I don't understand where that comes from, because anyone that really knows me would obviously know that that is nothing like me. But whatever. It's not that I care about what he thinks, but it kind of brings me down, and then I realize that I have to keep any encounter with a guy a secret. It's just stupid, really.
But the real things that altered my "plan" for college were these guys themselves. You know, it always seems that when you want anyone, you get no one. Then when you finally find one person you want, you get everyone. I hate when that happens, and a lot of times, it's hard to resist the others. I finally manned up to my feelings and did something that I've never in my life done, and it took a big weight off my shoulders, yet it also added on another one. I already knew of guys here that were into me and whatever, but I wasn't into them. But now I find out that one of my friends here likes me and all, and I actually kind of have some feelings for him, too. But it's all so weird. I think it might just be one of those lonely things that's giving me the idea to persue it. People have also been pretty good at convincing me that it'd be a good thing. And this guy is sooo sweet and innocent, and just an all around good guy. Those are never the guys I go for, so in a way, it kind of goes back to what I wanted to do here anyway. But I'm just so confused about everything right now. I'd feel guilty if I went with this kid now, but then again, I have no idea what's going to happen when I get home and see the other guy again. I don't know if anything will happen when I get home, which makes me wonder if it's worth it to throw away this opportunity and wait for something that might not even happen. But then again, I want the person at home more. Ughhh my brain is so racked lately. I just don't want to throw opportunites away that I would've taken before I manned up, but I don't know what's right.
Well, that whole plan was kind of altered from the start when my friend from high school who is also up here kept a watchful eye on every little thing that would happen with me and a guy. Nothing happend, just to point out, but like me hanging out in a guy's room, me at a party with a guy's hands all over me, me just meeting a guy. It's so annoying. Like really, I could take care of myself. I know how and when to get myself out of situations I shouldn't be part of. Let me be. BUT because this person from high school knew me and how I was before college, he now frowns upon me and implies that I'm being whoreish about a bunch of things and that I want to "rail" every somewhat attractive guy I see. I don't understand where that comes from, because anyone that really knows me would obviously know that that is nothing like me. But whatever. It's not that I care about what he thinks, but it kind of brings me down, and then I realize that I have to keep any encounter with a guy a secret. It's just stupid, really.
But the real things that altered my "plan" for college were these guys themselves. You know, it always seems that when you want anyone, you get no one. Then when you finally find one person you want, you get everyone. I hate when that happens, and a lot of times, it's hard to resist the others. I finally manned up to my feelings and did something that I've never in my life done, and it took a big weight off my shoulders, yet it also added on another one. I already knew of guys here that were into me and whatever, but I wasn't into them. But now I find out that one of my friends here likes me and all, and I actually kind of have some feelings for him, too. But it's all so weird. I think it might just be one of those lonely things that's giving me the idea to persue it. People have also been pretty good at convincing me that it'd be a good thing. And this guy is sooo sweet and innocent, and just an all around good guy. Those are never the guys I go for, so in a way, it kind of goes back to what I wanted to do here anyway. But I'm just so confused about everything right now. I'd feel guilty if I went with this kid now, but then again, I have no idea what's going to happen when I get home and see the other guy again. I don't know if anything will happen when I get home, which makes me wonder if it's worth it to throw away this opportunity and wait for something that might not even happen. But then again, I want the person at home more. Ughhh my brain is so racked lately. I just don't want to throw opportunites away that I would've taken before I manned up, but I don't know what's right.
9.10.2008
You're Home; I'm Gone
So for starters, I love how when I leave, the people that disappeared from my life suddenly come back to me. I guess it's yet another example of life's amazing timing or something like that.
But anyway...college. It's so weird how when you're here, the days seem so long yet everything moves at a much faster pace. I guess it's because we're all pretty much living together. You can't get away (it's got it's pros and cons). But really, we all say it -- every friend we've made here, for the most part, it feels as though we've known each other for years already. And we also all agree that it's insane that we've only been here for not even 2 weeks yet. It feels like we've been here for at least 2 months, but that doesn't bother me at all. I really do love it here. All the anxiety that I started to get a few days before I left home was completely pointless. I had nothing to worry about, and most of what I hoped for when I got to college, I've actually gotten. It's always nice when things just work out for once.
I said in one of the last blogs I posted that I was pretty sure the lack of alone time I got here would literally drive me insane, but I was wrong. It's so weird because I've always been the kind of person who really values my time alone and to myself. Like, I need a certain amount of alone time a day to really survive and not go crazy. But it's different here. I don't know if it's just that I've gotten used to always having someone in the room with me, or the fact that I'm hanging out w/ people constantly, but I actually do get really lonely even when I'm in my room alone for just an hour. I didn't expect that to happen, but hey, whatever. I kind of like that change. I always want to do something now, where as before, I never minded just staying in my room for the day. What's also weird is that at home, I NEVER invited people to my house (exception: my grad "party"), but here, me and my roommate Erin are constantly inviting people to our dorm (which is pretty much our home). Every night we have people up here. And every night our floor dislikes us more and more hahah. My floor sucks, and they're all just jealous bitches anyway. Me and Erin get the biggest, nicest room on the floor, we have friends, we have fun. They don't. LOL.
I'm so nice.
Oh, and one more thing that I find weird in terms of the timing of the situation. The one person that I really wanted to meet here (I remembered him from orientation), I have (and he's been in our room too, of course. lolz). BUT he's not nearly what I thought he'd be. I mean, that still doesn't mean he's bad in anyway, because trust me, it's pretty hard to look at this kid from a bad angle, but yeah. Kind of disappointing. But apparently it's better off that way, for the time being anyway. I'm in a different place and he's in a different place. But as I keep remiinding myself, we still have four more years here. Kind of crazy when I think about all that could happen and compare it to all that has already happened, but crazy in a good way.
People are scared of changing in college and coming back home to people that don't like what they've become. I don't think I'll change that much to be honest with you. I mean, my vocabulary will probably be the most noticable change (ie: creeper/legit will be said). But there was one thing I said I wanted to change about myself, and I did.
But anyway...college. It's so weird how when you're here, the days seem so long yet everything moves at a much faster pace. I guess it's because we're all pretty much living together. You can't get away (it's got it's pros and cons). But really, we all say it -- every friend we've made here, for the most part, it feels as though we've known each other for years already. And we also all agree that it's insane that we've only been here for not even 2 weeks yet. It feels like we've been here for at least 2 months, but that doesn't bother me at all. I really do love it here. All the anxiety that I started to get a few days before I left home was completely pointless. I had nothing to worry about, and most of what I hoped for when I got to college, I've actually gotten. It's always nice when things just work out for once.
I said in one of the last blogs I posted that I was pretty sure the lack of alone time I got here would literally drive me insane, but I was wrong. It's so weird because I've always been the kind of person who really values my time alone and to myself. Like, I need a certain amount of alone time a day to really survive and not go crazy. But it's different here. I don't know if it's just that I've gotten used to always having someone in the room with me, or the fact that I'm hanging out w/ people constantly, but I actually do get really lonely even when I'm in my room alone for just an hour. I didn't expect that to happen, but hey, whatever. I kind of like that change. I always want to do something now, where as before, I never minded just staying in my room for the day. What's also weird is that at home, I NEVER invited people to my house (exception: my grad "party"), but here, me and my roommate Erin are constantly inviting people to our dorm (which is pretty much our home). Every night we have people up here. And every night our floor dislikes us more and more hahah. My floor sucks, and they're all just jealous bitches anyway. Me and Erin get the biggest, nicest room on the floor, we have friends, we have fun. They don't. LOL.
I'm so nice.
Oh, and one more thing that I find weird in terms of the timing of the situation. The one person that I really wanted to meet here (I remembered him from orientation), I have (and he's been in our room too, of course. lolz). BUT he's not nearly what I thought he'd be. I mean, that still doesn't mean he's bad in anyway, because trust me, it's pretty hard to look at this kid from a bad angle, but yeah. Kind of disappointing. But apparently it's better off that way, for the time being anyway. I'm in a different place and he's in a different place. But as I keep remiinding myself, we still have four more years here. Kind of crazy when I think about all that could happen and compare it to all that has already happened, but crazy in a good way.
People are scared of changing in college and coming back home to people that don't like what they've become. I don't think I'll change that much to be honest with you. I mean, my vocabulary will probably be the most noticable change (ie: creeper/legit will be said). But there was one thing I said I wanted to change about myself, and I did.
8.27.2008
Last Day
So I finally leave tomorrow morning, which is bittersweet. A bunch of dumb stuff happened today that made me even more excited to finally leave, but I really am going to miss a few people here (key word: few). The anxiety that most people I've talked to have been feeling for weeks finally hit me last night, as I was laying in bed and realized I only had one more night to sleep in MY bed and to be in my room ALONE. I'm really anticipating the lack of alone time I get in college to literally drive me insane, but we'll see what happens.
On a different note, a little awesome band, The Starting Line, have this old song called "Greg's Last Day":
When you left home and moved to Ohio
The summer had come to an end.
My best friend goes, I try to follow,
Running as you disappear.
Stay.
You know how bad this hurts.
It's been three weeks and just gets worse.
Come back to PA.
Forever this time.
Greg's last day is our last chance to be best friends
Until we say "goodbye" and "I'll try to see you when the weather clears."
Then I went home and prayed that tomorrow
You would turn the car right back around.
Evergreen Rd just won't feel the same,
Since your gone.
Greg's last day is our last chance to be best friends
Until we say "goodbye" and "I'll try to see you when the weather clears."
Greg's last day is our last chance to be best friends
Until we say "goodbye" and "I'll try to see you when the weather clears."
I guess you can say the title of song is quite coincidental. I miss my best friend, and it sucks that I won't be able to see him before I leave. You know what sucks even more? Growing apart from someone and eventually losing them for good. I'd rather there be a reason behind losing someone, like a stupid fight or something, than losing someone just because time and outside circumstances drew you apart. Fights break things down. When you simply grow apart, especially in this case, you never lost the connection with the person or anything. Like, when you do finally talk to them again, it feels like nothing ever changed. But that's if you talk to them again.
And on another completely different note: WAKE UP, KID. I like you, and I'm really going to miss you.
On a different note, a little awesome band, The Starting Line, have this old song called "Greg's Last Day":
When you left home and moved to Ohio
The summer had come to an end.
My best friend goes, I try to follow,
Running as you disappear.
Stay.
You know how bad this hurts.
It's been three weeks and just gets worse.
Come back to PA.
Forever this time.
Greg's last day is our last chance to be best friends
Until we say "goodbye" and "I'll try to see you when the weather clears."
Then I went home and prayed that tomorrow
You would turn the car right back around.
Evergreen Rd just won't feel the same,
Since your gone.
Greg's last day is our last chance to be best friends
Until we say "goodbye" and "I'll try to see you when the weather clears."
Greg's last day is our last chance to be best friends
Until we say "goodbye" and "I'll try to see you when the weather clears."
I guess you can say the title of song is quite coincidental. I miss my best friend, and it sucks that I won't be able to see him before I leave. You know what sucks even more? Growing apart from someone and eventually losing them for good. I'd rather there be a reason behind losing someone, like a stupid fight or something, than losing someone just because time and outside circumstances drew you apart. Fights break things down. When you simply grow apart, especially in this case, you never lost the connection with the person or anything. Like, when you do finally talk to them again, it feels like nothing ever changed. But that's if you talk to them again.
And on another completely different note: WAKE UP, KID. I like you, and I'm really going to miss you.
8.21.2008
Please, Don't Leave Me Without Saying Goodbye
I didn't anticipate how this would all feel, but it all hit me at the end of the night on Sunday, saying goodbye to one person in particular. It finally sunk in that this isn't just some distant future event anymore. This is now. It's here, and I've already said goodbye to my best friend. Saying that we're going to see each other in October (hopefully, if we keep our fingers crossed that it can work out) is just so weird. Like, oh hey, what happend to September? Oh that's right, we'll be hundreds of miles away from each other in September... Ughh it's just a weird feeling right now. I'm the next to go, exactly a week from today, and that's a different weird feeling in itself.
Since like 8th grade, I've been looking foward to this, especially the whole shopping for the dorm part. But that (^) is not fun. That's just an annoying mess of crap, and it's not even close to being all of it. It's just what I packed up today.
But anyway, with there being only a week left for me, I'm realizing that the majority of the people I know, I won't see before I leave. Now here's the part where I'm the hypocrite. I think that with me leaving (or really with anyone leaving), it only makes sense for someone to tell you everything they want and everything they've been holding inside because really, who knows when they'll see you again. I have this idea in my head that everyone should just tell me things they were always afraid to tell me or something, because that's just what makes sense. But following the principle of that, I should do the same thing, and I know that's just not going to happen. At least, I won't be the one to start it off. That really is one thing I'd like to change about myself, and I really have put the effort into changing it. I don't like that I hold back my emotions and things I want to say. Doing that causes too many opportunities to slip away. I think I have progressed though, mainly this summer. I did let things out to the people that needed to hear them, but not the things that I feel are more important. I've always envied those who could just walk up to your face and say "Hey, I like you" and not be afraid to possibly get hurt a little bit; the kind of people who can openly express their feelings without a second thought. I've never been that person. You can't get the reward if you don't take the risk; we all know that. But sometimes fear and doubt get the best of us.
Since like 8th grade, I've been looking foward to this, especially the whole shopping for the dorm part. But that (^) is not fun. That's just an annoying mess of crap, and it's not even close to being all of it. It's just what I packed up today.
But anyway, with there being only a week left for me, I'm realizing that the majority of the people I know, I won't see before I leave. Now here's the part where I'm the hypocrite. I think that with me leaving (or really with anyone leaving), it only makes sense for someone to tell you everything they want and everything they've been holding inside because really, who knows when they'll see you again. I have this idea in my head that everyone should just tell me things they were always afraid to tell me or something, because that's just what makes sense. But following the principle of that, I should do the same thing, and I know that's just not going to happen. At least, I won't be the one to start it off. That really is one thing I'd like to change about myself, and I really have put the effort into changing it. I don't like that I hold back my emotions and things I want to say. Doing that causes too many opportunities to slip away. I think I have progressed though, mainly this summer. I did let things out to the people that needed to hear them, but not the things that I feel are more important. I've always envied those who could just walk up to your face and say "Hey, I like you" and not be afraid to possibly get hurt a little bit; the kind of people who can openly express their feelings without a second thought. I've never been that person. You can't get the reward if you don't take the risk; we all know that. But sometimes fear and doubt get the best of us.
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