Standing in a crowded room
I'm talking to everyone
But I can't even hear my own voice
Am I the only one who can feel alone at a time like this?
No, I know I can't be
No, I know I can't be saved
The silence that surrounds me is infinite
I'm up against a wall now
And there's no way out
Wall close in
The deafening darkness
And I'm blinded
I need an escape
(Escape)
And all I've seen
Has led me to this
Always searching for a hand to hold
Maybe this isn't real
Ignorance loses its grip
Now, I know I can be
Now, I know I can be saved
The silence that surrounds me is infinte
I'm up against a wall now
And there's no way out
Walls close in
The deafening darkness
And I'm blinded
I need an escape
There's a song hidden in the silence
There are eyes hidden in the darkness
But you can't uncover truth
When you live in an illusion
I'm up against a wall now
And there's no way out
Walls close in
The deafening darkness
And I'm blinded
I need an escape
(A lie like this)
2.28.2008
Vent
Ughh I need to vent, and putting things up on here may be a mistake, but I can care less.
I can not stand when people try to one-up me. I can't even explain how much it pisses me off. Listen, it's not my fault that you need guys' attention to feel all confident about yourself, and in all honesty, I feel bad for you that that's what you need to thrive on just to feel good. If you stay like that, you're going to get caught in sucky situations in the future, so have fun. So when I start talking to these guys that I knew before you did and actually want to get to know them for good reasons, not just so I can say "ohhh a guy talks to me!", don't try taking it from me to feel better about yourself. So maybe I am blowing it out of proportion. But this is not the first time. And it does begin to look a little suspicious when you suddenly talk to certain people a hell of a lot more only after I tell you that they willingly talk to me and say certain things. And then you attempt to rub things in my face. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but it's what you are doing. Back off and stop trying to compete with me. It's not my fault, and I would like to talk to these people without feeling like I'm having a competition with you over their attention. It's so ridiculous and immature.
And don't worry, it's not only you, and like I said, it's not only this time.
Another thing I absolutly can not stand -- when people copy the things I do. Oh my god, it pisses me off to no end. I am my own person. Why don't you try being your own person, too? Really, it's fun. You should give it a try some time. I do the things I do because it's me. I don't do them to try to get you to follow me. Believe me, I don't want any little followers. Don't take credit for my work. Don't rip my style. Don't try getting into the things I'm into just because you want that kind of particular attention. For example, music. Don't say to me that you wish you can like music like I do just because you want people to see you a certain way. Please, that's pathetic. And it has been said to me before. If you really want to go to shows with me, go because you genuinely like the music, please, and not because of the array of guys. I mean, sure, the guys are a nice added bonus, but that's not what you go to shows for. But you know, whatever, if you want to do that, go ahead and look like an idiot. It still gives me somebody to go with and that's cool.
I hate followers. And I probably sound like such a bitch right now, but I don't care. I really just needed to say this stuff, and now I'm going to confuse the hell out of people who read this because they will think it's about them. And chances are, it's not.
Okay. I finished that song from the last blog. I'll probably post it a little later.
Thanks for wasting your time reading my complaints. Bye.
I can not stand when people try to one-up me. I can't even explain how much it pisses me off. Listen, it's not my fault that you need guys' attention to feel all confident about yourself, and in all honesty, I feel bad for you that that's what you need to thrive on just to feel good. If you stay like that, you're going to get caught in sucky situations in the future, so have fun. So when I start talking to these guys that I knew before you did and actually want to get to know them for good reasons, not just so I can say "ohhh a guy talks to me!", don't try taking it from me to feel better about yourself. So maybe I am blowing it out of proportion. But this is not the first time. And it does begin to look a little suspicious when you suddenly talk to certain people a hell of a lot more only after I tell you that they willingly talk to me and say certain things. And then you attempt to rub things in my face. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but it's what you are doing. Back off and stop trying to compete with me. It's not my fault, and I would like to talk to these people without feeling like I'm having a competition with you over their attention. It's so ridiculous and immature.
And don't worry, it's not only you, and like I said, it's not only this time.
Another thing I absolutly can not stand -- when people copy the things I do. Oh my god, it pisses me off to no end. I am my own person. Why don't you try being your own person, too? Really, it's fun. You should give it a try some time. I do the things I do because it's me. I don't do them to try to get you to follow me. Believe me, I don't want any little followers. Don't take credit for my work. Don't rip my style. Don't try getting into the things I'm into just because you want that kind of particular attention. For example, music. Don't say to me that you wish you can like music like I do just because you want people to see you a certain way. Please, that's pathetic. And it has been said to me before. If you really want to go to shows with me, go because you genuinely like the music, please, and not because of the array of guys. I mean, sure, the guys are a nice added bonus, but that's not what you go to shows for. But you know, whatever, if you want to do that, go ahead and look like an idiot. It still gives me somebody to go with and that's cool.
I hate followers. And I probably sound like such a bitch right now, but I don't care. I really just needed to say this stuff, and now I'm going to confuse the hell out of people who read this because they will think it's about them. And chances are, it's not.
Okay. I finished that song from the last blog. I'll probably post it a little later.
Thanks for wasting your time reading my complaints. Bye.
2.26.2008
Incomplete
Standing in a crowded room
I'm talking to everyone,
But I can't even hear my own voice.
Am I the only one who can feel alone at a time like this?
No, I know I can't be.
No, I know I can't be saved.
And the silence that surrounds me is infinte.
Remind me to finish this song. Thanks.
I'm talking to everyone,
But I can't even hear my own voice.
Am I the only one who can feel alone at a time like this?
No, I know I can't be.
No, I know I can't be saved.
And the silence that surrounds me is infinte.
Remind me to finish this song. Thanks.
2.23.2008
Birthday
Happy birthday to me :]
I can't believe I'm 18. That's crazy.
But now I can get my tattoo hah.
I'm excited for tonight.
And I just seem to be into posting ridiculously pointless blogs lately.
I can't believe I'm 18. That's crazy.
But now I can get my tattoo hah.
I'm excited for tonight.
And I just seem to be into posting ridiculously pointless blogs lately.
2.19.2008
"Ultimatums For Egos"
"The last thing that I wanted was your company,
but still you came running back here anyway.
And the truth is that I'll never tell you anything
because everytime I try,
my words come out and kill me quick.
Crush my dreams; I'll fade away.
As long as what you wanted was for me to be miserable.
I'm breaking down everyday.
The sky is a new shade of grey.
Trying to say sorry
when these were your intentions;
can't take back what you've said.
I'll never forgive, I'll never forget
(cross my heart)
The last thing that I needed was your sympathy,
but you still showed it to me anyway.
You live for your excuses,
and you should know by now that everytime you try,
your words come out and kill you quick.
Crush my dreams; I'll fade away
Why don't you throw away everything
to gain nothing at all
but one less person who cares if you end up dead.
I'll just forget."
~From First to Last
I think that quite possibly the most pointless emotion we have is jealousy. We all feel it, but it's just dumb. There is no sense in envying somebody else because they may have one thing that you want, and it's really closed-minded to think that everyone else around you has a better life than you do. To wish you were living someone else's life instead of your own is selfish and ridiculous. Everyone has problems in their life. That's what life is. The idea of "perfection" is simply just that: an idea. A mere thought that will never exist in reality. I wish everybody can just accept what they've been given and see that all the mountains we face have a meaning behind them. Every single one. And seeing that meaning makes us stronger. I just can't stand how so many people, especially those I'm surrounded by, let jealousy take a hold of their lives. Envy is the only thing that makes up some people. It's sad. You're pathetic. Give it up and give your life some worth.
but still you came running back here anyway.
And the truth is that I'll never tell you anything
because everytime I try,
my words come out and kill me quick.
Crush my dreams; I'll fade away.
As long as what you wanted was for me to be miserable.
I'm breaking down everyday.
The sky is a new shade of grey.
Trying to say sorry
when these were your intentions;
can't take back what you've said.
I'll never forgive, I'll never forget
(cross my heart)
The last thing that I needed was your sympathy,
but you still showed it to me anyway.
You live for your excuses,
and you should know by now that everytime you try,
your words come out and kill you quick.
Crush my dreams; I'll fade away
Why don't you throw away everything
to gain nothing at all
but one less person who cares if you end up dead.
I'll just forget."
~From First to Last
I think that quite possibly the most pointless emotion we have is jealousy. We all feel it, but it's just dumb. There is no sense in envying somebody else because they may have one thing that you want, and it's really closed-minded to think that everyone else around you has a better life than you do. To wish you were living someone else's life instead of your own is selfish and ridiculous. Everyone has problems in their life. That's what life is. The idea of "perfection" is simply just that: an idea. A mere thought that will never exist in reality. I wish everybody can just accept what they've been given and see that all the mountains we face have a meaning behind them. Every single one. And seeing that meaning makes us stronger. I just can't stand how so many people, especially those I'm surrounded by, let jealousy take a hold of their lives. Envy is the only thing that makes up some people. It's sad. You're pathetic. Give it up and give your life some worth.
2.18.2008
Pointless
So apparently, things are "fixed" between my dad and I. Nothing that was said can really be taken back though, but we act like nothing happend. I guess sometimes, it really is necessary to fake it.
I'm going to be eighteen this Saturday :] That's crazy. I can't wait.
This Thursday, my hair is going to be purple. LMAO. That's crazy, too.
I didn't realize how pointless this blog was going to be. I did have a lot to write, but I don't feel that it's important anymore. Ehh oh well. Congratulations on wasting a minute of your life.
2.11.2008
A Cycle Called Pain
So today, I was sitting in my media class getting bored with my project as usual, so I decided to check my email for the hell of it. That's when I got the email from my dad with a letter he wrote me as an attachment. I opened it, but seriously started to tear up without even reading it. I obviously was not going to read it in class, but that wound up being the only thing on my mind the entire day. Things are just hard right now.
I got home and read it, and I never expected it to be what it was about. My dad is the kind of person that never shows feelings. He wasn't raised in an outright loving family, and he didn't raise us to be that way either. There are no signs of affection in my family. In fact, the only hug I distinctly remember getting from my dad was the morning I was supposed to leave for Frost Valley in 9th grade. The weather was terrible, and the roads were just slates of ice. As all the parents were leaving, they hugged their kids goodbye. I'm still not sure if my dad only hugged me then just because he felt the pressure to be like the other parents, or if it was because he was truly afraid. We were all afraid of that trip; hence the reason why it wound up being postponed anyway. But I remember it just being the weirdest feeling getting a hug from my dad, and that's kind of upsetting to me. It shouldn't be a rare and unusual feeling when your own father hugs you, but that's the way it's always been in my family.
Anyway, back to that letter. He mentioned in it how he was raised that way, and how his whole family just kind of assumed that they all knew they loved each other. He said he never felt the need to tell his father how much he appreciated everything he did for his family and how much he really did love him. He always believed he would say it later on. Now, I knew my dad's own father died of a massive heart attack when my dad was only 20. He told me that a while ago, and it never really seemed to affect him, although I knew it must have. However, he never told me exactly what happend that day, and that's what the letter was mainly about. Essentially, my dad was the cause of his own father's death that night. It was pretty much because of him not being home on time that one night that his father got worried and a whole bunch of other things that eventually led to him having that final heart attack that night. I'm not going to sit here and write all that happend and what everything was about, but I'll just have you know that I was an emotional wreck as I read this letter, just as I have been this entire day. This was the first time my dad ever showed some sort of honest emotion, and everything it was about was just so hard to handle, since everything we have been going through. Things started to make sense about why he is the way he is and why he does the seemingly pointless things he does.
I feel terrible about everything. I know it's not completely my fault about what has happend between my dad and myself, but it still has a lot to do with me. If i wasn't so damn stubborn about everything and if I could just give into him once, maybe things wouldn't be the way they are now. But what happend happend. You can't change the past, but you can change the direction your life will continue to go. Ugh...I have so much more to say about all this, but I just can't deal with this anymore. Not today, anyway. I've had enough for today.
I got home and read it, and I never expected it to be what it was about. My dad is the kind of person that never shows feelings. He wasn't raised in an outright loving family, and he didn't raise us to be that way either. There are no signs of affection in my family. In fact, the only hug I distinctly remember getting from my dad was the morning I was supposed to leave for Frost Valley in 9th grade. The weather was terrible, and the roads were just slates of ice. As all the parents were leaving, they hugged their kids goodbye. I'm still not sure if my dad only hugged me then just because he felt the pressure to be like the other parents, or if it was because he was truly afraid. We were all afraid of that trip; hence the reason why it wound up being postponed anyway. But I remember it just being the weirdest feeling getting a hug from my dad, and that's kind of upsetting to me. It shouldn't be a rare and unusual feeling when your own father hugs you, but that's the way it's always been in my family.
Anyway, back to that letter. He mentioned in it how he was raised that way, and how his whole family just kind of assumed that they all knew they loved each other. He said he never felt the need to tell his father how much he appreciated everything he did for his family and how much he really did love him. He always believed he would say it later on. Now, I knew my dad's own father died of a massive heart attack when my dad was only 20. He told me that a while ago, and it never really seemed to affect him, although I knew it must have. However, he never told me exactly what happend that day, and that's what the letter was mainly about. Essentially, my dad was the cause of his own father's death that night. It was pretty much because of him not being home on time that one night that his father got worried and a whole bunch of other things that eventually led to him having that final heart attack that night. I'm not going to sit here and write all that happend and what everything was about, but I'll just have you know that I was an emotional wreck as I read this letter, just as I have been this entire day. This was the first time my dad ever showed some sort of honest emotion, and everything it was about was just so hard to handle, since everything we have been going through. Things started to make sense about why he is the way he is and why he does the seemingly pointless things he does.
I feel terrible about everything. I know it's not completely my fault about what has happend between my dad and myself, but it still has a lot to do with me. If i wasn't so damn stubborn about everything and if I could just give into him once, maybe things wouldn't be the way they are now. But what happend happend. You can't change the past, but you can change the direction your life will continue to go. Ugh...I have so much more to say about all this, but I just can't deal with this anymore. Not today, anyway. I've had enough for today.
2.07.2008
I'm Strong, I Survive
I don't really understand why people are so afraid of getting hurt. Well actually, that's a lie. I can understand it, but I don't think people should fear the pain so much. The way I see it, being hurt by anyone actually makes us stronger individuals in the longrun. We learn what life really is. We learn how to deal with life. We learn how to truly enjoy life without taking things for granted. We learn who and what is best for us. If we never got hurt, we would never be who we have become. We wouldn't grow. We would be boring and essentially pointless in this world. Pain isn't such a bad thing unless you let it be.
I am actually happy I've been through the experiences I have been through. I feel like I know a lot more about life than others do, and I appreciate that. I appreciate everyone who did hurt me when I didn't see life like this. You have made me who I am today.
I'm strong, I survive. You can't hurt me. But honestly, I'm sick of the lies.
I am actually happy I've been through the experiences I have been through. I feel like I know a lot more about life than others do, and I appreciate that. I appreciate everyone who did hurt me when I didn't see life like this. You have made me who I am today.
I'm strong, I survive. You can't hurt me. But honestly, I'm sick of the lies.
2.05.2008
Running With Mirrors
So apparently I don't really have a dad anymore. And my mom was never really much of a "mom" to me. Ehh oh well. Life goes on. I guess I've always been a loner anyway. My dad has taken on the whole "I'll hurt you before you can hurt me" reasoning. He figures that he'll cut me off before I have the chance to. He said his brother did it to his mom, and even he himself did it, but they're better now. And he says that when I go off to college, I'll do the same thing to him. Which isn't true. I was never planning on cutting him out of my life. It's a different story with my mom, but that's not what this was about. I won't get into anything else about it because it really is dumb and there is no fixing things anymore.
On a different note, I have no idea what I really want anymore. I'm so confused about what I should do. Part of me wants to wait. But then the other part wants to go after the opportunities that have been presenting themselves to me, and I just can't have both things. Honestly, a lot of doors have been opened to me recently. There are some people that I want to hang out with more and get to know better, one in particular. Most of the other guys, I really don't care for in that way at all. But I really just don't know what to do.
I'm running with a mirror in front of me, and all that I left behind is all that I can see.
I love how everytime I think I finally figured things out, something else comes by and screws everything up again. Like today. Someone was talking to me about how I should have a boyfriend and all that stuff, the typical talk with him. Then a certain somebody who was standing next to us agreed and whispered a name in my ear. And that name didn't make anything easier at all.
The more I think about this stuff, the more confused I get. It really would've been nice to have something good in my life just to balance things out in a way. But you can't have everything. And I'm fine with what I do have.
On a different note, I have no idea what I really want anymore. I'm so confused about what I should do. Part of me wants to wait. But then the other part wants to go after the opportunities that have been presenting themselves to me, and I just can't have both things. Honestly, a lot of doors have been opened to me recently. There are some people that I want to hang out with more and get to know better, one in particular. Most of the other guys, I really don't care for in that way at all. But I really just don't know what to do.
I'm running with a mirror in front of me, and all that I left behind is all that I can see.
I love how everytime I think I finally figured things out, something else comes by and screws everything up again. Like today. Someone was talking to me about how I should have a boyfriend and all that stuff, the typical talk with him. Then a certain somebody who was standing next to us agreed and whispered a name in my ear. And that name didn't make anything easier at all.
The more I think about this stuff, the more confused I get. It really would've been nice to have something good in my life just to balance things out in a way. But you can't have everything. And I'm fine with what I do have.
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