It's entertaining to me when people have nothing better to do with their lives than make their Facebook status's about me. It makes me feel better about the lack of a life I have here, anyway. However, I recall a conversation a year or two ago with you girls, who will read and rant about this yet again (enjoy), about saying things to each other's faces if we had a problem. But if you want to do it all through a computer screen, I can too. So...
Shut the hell up already, let it go, and do something better with your life. And, I'd like the tickets/money back that you stole from me. Please and thank you.
On another note, I am going to soil my dignity right now by admitting that I have recently compared myself to Hannah Montana. Yeah, that's what this place does to you. But anyway, I've come to realize that it's almost as if I live two different lives, and the life I'm back to living right now sucks. Quite a bit. And it's not that I change all that much between these two places, so I've yet to understand it. All I do know is that I have 12 weeks left of being here and that just sounds way too long. I have to stop complaining about being here, but I just have too much time to sit around and think about all the reasons I hate this place, and it's pathetic.
But there are things to look forward to until I leave again:
-New Hampshire road trip/Tyler's lake house/Taking Back Sunday, Envy On The Coast, Anberlin show
-Possible Boston road trip + Rise Against/Billy Talent show
-Sickkk Warped Tour
-Set Your Goals show and album release <3
-More shows and album releases
-Possible CT road trip
-Blink-182/Taking Back Sunday/Weezer show!
-Surprising my dad with the sickest birthday present ever
Soon enough, I'll be excited. Until then, I just have a lot of alone time to sit and think. And due to that, I have also recently decided that my uncle may have had a point about my seemingly "ungrateful" nature (which kills me). I am so incredibly grateful for everything I have, but because I don't put my emotions out there easily, most people are never aware, and I fail to realize that most times. People don't know how cute I find forehead kisses to actually be or how much it meant to me for one person to surprise me outside my house at one in the morning. So this just in: these things and more have meant the world to me. Now you know, a little late maybe, but I got there.
6.06.2009
5.13.2009
My Decisions Are the Ones That Kill Me
I didn't expect this to be so hard. I don't know why either considering the previous two times I said I was going to stop talking to you, I just went and talked to you the next day. Obviously it was bound to be difficult. And that's what keeps me thinking.
Whenever you give someone up, you always start thinking about whether it was a mistake or not. Always. It's natural, and I have to keep telling myself that knowing that if I stick this out long enough, that thinking will pass. I need it to pass because I am currently driving myself crazy. You're the only thing that's been on my mind since I've been home, and I knew that would happen, too. But it's still annoying.
Speaking of being home, I'm home. For three months too long. I am either going to go completely insane or be put in a state of depression sometime this summer; it's bound to happen. I'm just looking foward to the few little road trips that are planned to go visit my favorite people ever again.
I don't know where I wanted this blog to go. I really only wrote it to indirectly talk to you.
Whenever you give someone up, you always start thinking about whether it was a mistake or not. Always. It's natural, and I have to keep telling myself that knowing that if I stick this out long enough, that thinking will pass. I need it to pass because I am currently driving myself crazy. You're the only thing that's been on my mind since I've been home, and I knew that would happen, too. But it's still annoying.
Speaking of being home, I'm home. For three months too long. I am either going to go completely insane or be put in a state of depression sometime this summer; it's bound to happen. I'm just looking foward to the few little road trips that are planned to go visit my favorite people ever again.
I don't know where I wanted this blog to go. I really only wrote it to indirectly talk to you.
5.04.2009
I Lost Myself When I Won The Prize
I've known exactly who I am for a while now. I know how I work, how I think, what I believe in, and how far I'd go. And I never thought anybody would be able to alter that in any way.
I was wrong.
Never in my life have I ever felt something so strong so quickly for someone I never paid any attention to before. Reason number one I freaked myself out. I have always been a pretty secretive person, mysterious, confusing, however you want to label that. What you learned about me is what most other people learn over the course of a few months to a few years. In two short weeks, I felt that I gave it all up to you, and in doing that, I lost who I was for the first time. I tried to forget that I fear vulnerability so much, but one of your biggest fears will never just simply disappear like you hope for. I always prided myself on being strong, and during those two weeks, I never felt so weak. I never felt so dependent, so pessimistic, like such a mess.
You're not going to believe me when I say it again, but it has nothing to do with you specifically; it's all me and the situation as a whole. I thought I was ready for this. In fact, one thing I wanted to accomplish in the first year of college relating to the whole "reinventing the self" theory had to do with this. I wanted to wean myself off my old ways of being super picky and not giving anybody the chance just so I could protect myself. So I tried it with you because you were the first person that introduced yourself to me who gave me the feeling that it had potential right off the bat. And yes, I'm going to go back into sounded completely full of myself here, but of all the guys that wanted that chance, you won. That should say enough, but I know it doesn't.
Like that NFG song says, "You were everything I wanted, but I just can't finish what I started." You were nothing but good for me. Everything you were willing to give was everything I needed to get over my problems involving the whole relationship/commitment/vulnerability thing. I thought I was ready for it all a few months back. I wanted it for the first time, but then that got ruined. I still believed I was ready for it, so when I dove in with you, I was confident. You were not there just to be a tool; I felt something from the very beginning. Then I was blind sighted by old problems. The issues that I developed from things that happened years ago, I was positive I got over. It took years of trying, and I was so sure they would never surface again. I never expected it, and when they came back to me uncalled upon, I freaked out. I didn't know how to handle them in this situation because I wasn't ready for it. For the first time since I've been at college, I did not feel genuinely happy, and unfortunately, I think you felt like it was all your fault. But the real fault belongs to the issues that I thought were gone forever and decided to come back to haunt me at the worst time possible.
I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it, but it's something I need to do alone. I can't drag you down with me; it's not fair to you or anyone else that would be standing in your shoes. Like I told you, I don't want to lose you. I was trying to hard to relight the match that went out within the first week, once the issues surfaced again. Why would anybody want to lose something that was nothing but good for them? I still want it, but now is not the time.
Before you came along, I had this whole plan set up for what I wanted to happen this summer. Everything got turned upside down, and it is clear that what I wanted is no longer going to happen, and maybe that's for the better. But I have a new plan for the summer, and that is to find myself again, to fix myself on my own and come out on top. That's when I'll be ready to take on something bigger and make things easier for anyone involved with me.
I haven't been this emotionally drained in a while, but whether you believe it or not, I would be a lot worse if you weren't there trying to stick it out with me.
I was wrong.
Never in my life have I ever felt something so strong so quickly for someone I never paid any attention to before. Reason number one I freaked myself out. I have always been a pretty secretive person, mysterious, confusing, however you want to label that. What you learned about me is what most other people learn over the course of a few months to a few years. In two short weeks, I felt that I gave it all up to you, and in doing that, I lost who I was for the first time. I tried to forget that I fear vulnerability so much, but one of your biggest fears will never just simply disappear like you hope for. I always prided myself on being strong, and during those two weeks, I never felt so weak. I never felt so dependent, so pessimistic, like such a mess.
You're not going to believe me when I say it again, but it has nothing to do with you specifically; it's all me and the situation as a whole. I thought I was ready for this. In fact, one thing I wanted to accomplish in the first year of college relating to the whole "reinventing the self" theory had to do with this. I wanted to wean myself off my old ways of being super picky and not giving anybody the chance just so I could protect myself. So I tried it with you because you were the first person that introduced yourself to me who gave me the feeling that it had potential right off the bat. And yes, I'm going to go back into sounded completely full of myself here, but of all the guys that wanted that chance, you won. That should say enough, but I know it doesn't.
Like that NFG song says, "You were everything I wanted, but I just can't finish what I started." You were nothing but good for me. Everything you were willing to give was everything I needed to get over my problems involving the whole relationship/commitment/vulnerability thing. I thought I was ready for it all a few months back. I wanted it for the first time, but then that got ruined. I still believed I was ready for it, so when I dove in with you, I was confident. You were not there just to be a tool; I felt something from the very beginning. Then I was blind sighted by old problems. The issues that I developed from things that happened years ago, I was positive I got over. It took years of trying, and I was so sure they would never surface again. I never expected it, and when they came back to me uncalled upon, I freaked out. I didn't know how to handle them in this situation because I wasn't ready for it. For the first time since I've been at college, I did not feel genuinely happy, and unfortunately, I think you felt like it was all your fault. But the real fault belongs to the issues that I thought were gone forever and decided to come back to haunt me at the worst time possible.
I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it, but it's something I need to do alone. I can't drag you down with me; it's not fair to you or anyone else that would be standing in your shoes. Like I told you, I don't want to lose you. I was trying to hard to relight the match that went out within the first week, once the issues surfaced again. Why would anybody want to lose something that was nothing but good for them? I still want it, but now is not the time.
Before you came along, I had this whole plan set up for what I wanted to happen this summer. Everything got turned upside down, and it is clear that what I wanted is no longer going to happen, and maybe that's for the better. But I have a new plan for the summer, and that is to find myself again, to fix myself on my own and come out on top. That's when I'll be ready to take on something bigger and make things easier for anyone involved with me.
I haven't been this emotionally drained in a while, but whether you believe it or not, I would be a lot worse if you weren't there trying to stick it out with me.
4.09.2009
Cyclic, Drug-Like Mind
And once again, I will say that everything happens for a reason.
Take what I just found out, for example. It all makes sense now why the one person I really want to get to know on this campus is the one person I haven't had a chance to talk to yet (keyword: yet. Remember, we still have over 3 years now). Everything falls into place, and everything eventually works itself out. It's nice. But this is fucking crazy, and it's still blowing my mind. It's a small world, that's for sure.
But now with that figured out and put aside, I'm still dealing with the issues of feeling like I'm leading people on accidentally, and that has got to be a sucky thing to feel on the opposite side. It's just my personally, I guess, and I don't know how to fix the problem while continuing to make new friends. I'm still just trying to adjust to this new life I have here, and I'm learning a little more each day. Well, sort of. Who knew that something like this can have its problems? I never thought that something so good, so desirable by most, could actually be considered a "curse" of some sort. I really have no right to complain about my life at the moment, but with every positive comes a negative, and I'm just confused.
What confuses me even more is how much I still want one particular person. This summer will be interesting, I'm sure.
Isn't it awesome that someones attractiveness usually increases when you feel like they're "untouchable". You always want what you can't have, and I keep believing that I can't have you. That's why out of everyone I can have on this campus, I want you the most. Makes total sense in some weird, distorted way.
Anyway, I'm writing this out of boredom, and it's lame. So the end to this.
Take what I just found out, for example. It all makes sense now why the one person I really want to get to know on this campus is the one person I haven't had a chance to talk to yet (keyword: yet. Remember, we still have over 3 years now). Everything falls into place, and everything eventually works itself out. It's nice. But this is fucking crazy, and it's still blowing my mind. It's a small world, that's for sure.
But now with that figured out and put aside, I'm still dealing with the issues of feeling like I'm leading people on accidentally, and that has got to be a sucky thing to feel on the opposite side. It's just my personally, I guess, and I don't know how to fix the problem while continuing to make new friends. I'm still just trying to adjust to this new life I have here, and I'm learning a little more each day. Well, sort of. Who knew that something like this can have its problems? I never thought that something so good, so desirable by most, could actually be considered a "curse" of some sort. I really have no right to complain about my life at the moment, but with every positive comes a negative, and I'm just confused.
What confuses me even more is how much I still want one particular person. This summer will be interesting, I'm sure.
Isn't it awesome that someones attractiveness usually increases when you feel like they're "untouchable". You always want what you can't have, and I keep believing that I can't have you. That's why out of everyone I can have on this campus, I want you the most. Makes total sense in some weird, distorted way.
Anyway, I'm writing this out of boredom, and it's lame. So the end to this.
3.30.2009
Selfish Hunter
What it comes down to is who is going to be there for you in the end. A best friend does not leave you at the drop of a dime. They don't make up stupid rumors about you behind your back, ditch you night after night, or imply that you are not allowed to make new friends. Makes sense to me. But apparently you can't say the same.
A friend should also build you up, improve your life. I don't need sucky friends that only either bring my life down or do nothing whatsoever to help it. Nobody does.
Also, another big component of a friendship is having things in common. Seriously, my friends here just look at a picture of me and my friends at home and are left confused. "How are you friends with girls like that? They don't seem like you in the slightest bit." That's a typical response. And it's the truth. You don't have to dig deep to see that. Because I was pretty much just handed my friends at home (which I am thankful for, believe it or not) I did not get the chance to pick and choose friends based on personalities, interests, and whatnot. I am not the type of girl that's into being a super shopper, being the tannest I can possibly get, willing to spend hundreds of dollars on a fucking bag, or believe that I need a guy on my arm to be something. That's not me. I'd rather go to a show, get covered in other people's sweat, get pushed around to the point where I can hardly breathe anymore, and go deaf for a day over any of that shit. Do you see the problem? Because it's pretty clear to me. I don't have all that much in common with my friends from home. And that poses a problem.
Up until middle school, every single best friend I had wound up moving away. I lost them all to things beyond my control. In middle school, I lost all my friends who jumped on the bandwagon that rested on the other side of the wall from where I was standing. Each and every one of them turned their back on me and put me through the toughest times of my life. Yeah, the people that were once my friends. In high school, my friends were full of stupid nonsense drama. I lost a best friend, and almost a few more actually, to the fact that I befriended an awesome guy who was my best friend to date. Senior year, my friends also got pissed because me and someone else in our "group" got closer, and are still best friends today. People are stupid. But anyway, I had two legit best friends at home. The end.
But one awesome thing about going away to college is that you get a new start on things. You get to pick and choose each and every friend you make. And I've made some pretty awesome friends at that. We have things in common, things that actually mean something to me. I know they have my back. They'd protect me when the time came, unlike people I previously knew.
So how can you fault me for wanting to make new friends? Did you really expect me to go off to college and sit in my dorm every hour of every fucking day interacting with no one? Yeah, it doesn't work like that. To put it simply, I'm a person with big dreams. Hell, I couldn't fit my name on my class ring so I wrote "Dreamer" instead (yeah, I really did that). I had dreams of some perfect life I wanted for myself, and at college, all of that is playing out in front of my eyes. If you had the chance, you'd do the same thing. Anybody would. And again, you can't fault me for having an awesome college experience while everyone at home hates theirs. That is beyond my control.
So drop it.
Someone once told me that one of the things they liked most about me was how upfront I am (funny, because that only happened after I called them out) but yeah. Some people like it. Many hate it. Oh well. Same goes for me being opinionated. It's got its pros and cons. You choose only to see the cons. So shoot me. Whatever. It'll be your loss.
Bam. I'm done now.
A friend should also build you up, improve your life. I don't need sucky friends that only either bring my life down or do nothing whatsoever to help it. Nobody does.
Also, another big component of a friendship is having things in common. Seriously, my friends here just look at a picture of me and my friends at home and are left confused. "How are you friends with girls like that? They don't seem like you in the slightest bit." That's a typical response. And it's the truth. You don't have to dig deep to see that. Because I was pretty much just handed my friends at home (which I am thankful for, believe it or not) I did not get the chance to pick and choose friends based on personalities, interests, and whatnot. I am not the type of girl that's into being a super shopper, being the tannest I can possibly get, willing to spend hundreds of dollars on a fucking bag, or believe that I need a guy on my arm to be something. That's not me. I'd rather go to a show, get covered in other people's sweat, get pushed around to the point where I can hardly breathe anymore, and go deaf for a day over any of that shit. Do you see the problem? Because it's pretty clear to me. I don't have all that much in common with my friends from home. And that poses a problem.
Up until middle school, every single best friend I had wound up moving away. I lost them all to things beyond my control. In middle school, I lost all my friends who jumped on the bandwagon that rested on the other side of the wall from where I was standing. Each and every one of them turned their back on me and put me through the toughest times of my life. Yeah, the people that were once my friends. In high school, my friends were full of stupid nonsense drama. I lost a best friend, and almost a few more actually, to the fact that I befriended an awesome guy who was my best friend to date. Senior year, my friends also got pissed because me and someone else in our "group" got closer, and are still best friends today. People are stupid. But anyway, I had two legit best friends at home. The end.
But one awesome thing about going away to college is that you get a new start on things. You get to pick and choose each and every friend you make. And I've made some pretty awesome friends at that. We have things in common, things that actually mean something to me. I know they have my back. They'd protect me when the time came, unlike people I previously knew.
So how can you fault me for wanting to make new friends? Did you really expect me to go off to college and sit in my dorm every hour of every fucking day interacting with no one? Yeah, it doesn't work like that. To put it simply, I'm a person with big dreams. Hell, I couldn't fit my name on my class ring so I wrote "Dreamer" instead (yeah, I really did that). I had dreams of some perfect life I wanted for myself, and at college, all of that is playing out in front of my eyes. If you had the chance, you'd do the same thing. Anybody would. And again, you can't fault me for having an awesome college experience while everyone at home hates theirs. That is beyond my control.
So drop it.
Someone once told me that one of the things they liked most about me was how upfront I am (funny, because that only happened after I called them out) but yeah. Some people like it. Many hate it. Oh well. Same goes for me being opinionated. It's got its pros and cons. You choose only to see the cons. So shoot me. Whatever. It'll be your loss.
Bam. I'm done now.
1.28.2009
Faulty Matches
You will see this eventually.
I was so sure about what I was about to do before I actually went and did it. Just the sequence of events that happened over the past few weeks and the irony/coincidence of it all made me believe that it was something that needed to be done. But now I'm not so sure. I've been having the feeling that I may have made a mistake, but I guess that's just a feeling that goes hand in hand with leaving someone behind. Right now, I feel that my life is at a standstill, and when that happens is the only time I look into the past. I hate doing that. And it confuses the hell out of me for no reason. You can't change the past. Everything happens for a reason. All the cliches, they're true so there's no need to dwell on it, but I am. I just really really need a spark. Just one, and I'll make myself believe that everything will happen the way I thought it would.
There's still a lot I want to talk to you about, but you won't talk. Being ignored hurts a lot more than I expected, but it's probably only because you're the one ignoring me.
And I thought that'd make it all easier. But there was always something about you. I could bitch and whine and curse at the situation for hours, but the second I heard your voice, it was like you never did anything wrong, and that's always how it was for some reason. I wanted to be mad at you. You deserved it. But I couldn't and it sucked because it just made it that much harder.
I was so sure about what I was about to do before I actually went and did it. Just the sequence of events that happened over the past few weeks and the irony/coincidence of it all made me believe that it was something that needed to be done. But now I'm not so sure. I've been having the feeling that I may have made a mistake, but I guess that's just a feeling that goes hand in hand with leaving someone behind. Right now, I feel that my life is at a standstill, and when that happens is the only time I look into the past. I hate doing that. And it confuses the hell out of me for no reason. You can't change the past. Everything happens for a reason. All the cliches, they're true so there's no need to dwell on it, but I am. I just really really need a spark. Just one, and I'll make myself believe that everything will happen the way I thought it would.
There's still a lot I want to talk to you about, but you won't talk. Being ignored hurts a lot more than I expected, but it's probably only because you're the one ignoring me.
And I thought that'd make it all easier. But there was always something about you. I could bitch and whine and curse at the situation for hours, but the second I heard your voice, it was like you never did anything wrong, and that's always how it was for some reason. I wanted to be mad at you. You deserved it. But I couldn't and it sucked because it just made it that much harder.
1.20.2009
And The Truth Is...
You couldn't have picked a better time to do this.
I'm not happy with it, still, but you're timing is obviously better than mine.
And you're so unaware of this.
Needless to say, this weekend shall be interesting.
I'm not happy with it, still, but you're timing is obviously better than mine.
And you're so unaware of this.
Needless to say, this weekend shall be interesting.
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