My Head Should've Exploded By Now

So fine, I'll admit it for once. I am a flirt whore. But there's nothing wrong with that as long as I don't actually do anything, right? ...right? Ugh.

It's weird just how different things can be here. I realized after being home for Thanksgiving break that being here and being home really are two completely different worlds. I got used to the looks, the flirting, the everything that I witness everyday here. Then, I got home and none of that seemed to happen. That's how it always was at home, though. I don't really get the feeling that people want to get to know me there. The attention I get is nothing like it is here.

Before college, I didn't have luck in this department. I always felt like most guys I liked, the few that there were, were always out of my league or something. Granted, that did change once I ventured out of Deer Park for a little while. That's when I decided I needed a slap in the face because I was getting a little full of myself. Thank God I did get that slap in the face, because I hated myself then. And if I didn't learn my lesson back then, I'd be really bad right now. It's just so weird. Every guy I've had my eye on, I realize that I actually can get. It's new to me, but there's not a thing to complain about with it. And as egotistical as that statement sounds, it seems to be true. Every guy I wanted to get to know but had no idea how I would actually go about doing that, I've actually gotten to know so far. Every guy I've found attractive here, I've found that they wouldn't mind going after me as well. I mean, come on; the guy I saw at orientation back in June and thought was the most attractive guy I've ever seen in person, I'm friends with now. Not only that, but he has considered going after me, despite the fact that he currently has a girlfriend of his own. I always said my whole "4 years" mantra, and others are backing me on that now.

I think maybe having someone back at home is what's really keeping me grounded here.

On another note, I've also discovered here that my knack for knowing what people are feeling can be quite entertaining. Just by watching people in my classes, I've called it so many times. Who likes who, who wants who to like them and stop liking another person, etc. I have fun with it. It's good to know I'm making use of the thousands of dollars that are put towards my classes.

I think I'm the only person here that is not looking forward to going home.

This was a really self-centered blog.
I'm a terrible person.

November Was Non-Existent

That's sad.

But on another pointless note, if you were here, everything would be perfect.

Waves of Solitude

The tide grabs hold of me again
This cycle is never ending
Swimming in a sea of irrational doubt again tonight
I've got eleven foot waves crashing over me

The fog clouds the distance I thought I could see

I need the strength to stay above
My habits are always getting the best of me
I feel this coming
I feel this coming
I have to break it before it breaks on me

The wind is pushing me further this time
But I'm about to throw myself overboard again
The current is strong
But the tide is weak
And I'm convinced this battle can't be won

I need the strength to stay above
My habits are always getting the best of me
I feel this coming
I feel this coming
I have to break it before it breaks on me

I've got stars in my eyes now, but I can't see

Swimming backwards
Treading the waters by your shore
Oh, just take a look at what you've done to me
I'm gonna be stranded here
Fighting off my predetermined destiny

We're Constraining Ourselves...

...These ropes are our own creation.

Oh, hi blog. It's been quite some time.

I hate when I have those periods where I just can't write. Nothing good, anyway. And that's how it's been for a while now, but I finally got some stuff going while I was trying to stay awake in philosophy today. What's weird is that those "dry spells" always seem to happen when you'd think I'd have the most to write about. Life is good. I've been continuously getting all I've wanted and life is finally falling into place the way I felt it always should have. It's a nice to finally experience that.

College, for the most part, is amazing in all aspects. So because I'm insanely bored and feel like writing some pointless crap, here's a list of what I've learned form college so far (in no particular order):

1. I am the Ben and Jerry's champ here. :)
2. ^ That has it's pros and cons (con: I'm getting fat. Sweet deal)
3. It's a bad idea to curse out your neighbors when the walls are paper thin. They will always hear you and call you out on it. (I still have yet to really learn this lesson :x)
4. Apparently I'm a Master Flirt and a tease, and I fail to ever realize it.
5. It's crazy how just putting 2 holes in your lip can completely change your social life.
6. People who give into peer pressure so easily because they're afraid to go against the grain upset me.
7. I will never get over my initial hatred towards girls, no matter how hard I try.
8. Real people do exist.
9. Pot isn't bad.
10. I still will never in my life break edge. Hold me to it.
11. It's okay to trust some people.
12. It's better to feel a little dumb here or there than to let potentially awesome opportunites slip away.
13. This blog has achieved it's goal of letting people see who I am.
14. I felt like I got little to no attention at home. It's a completely different story here.
15. Tile floors and iPods don't go well together.
16. I hate being told to do something I don't want to do and actually have to do it.
17. Being on my own doesn't phase me at all like I expected it might.
18. I'm on my way to learning how to live life right.

I thought I had the last one down before I left home, and for the most part, I did. I do think I have a pretty good hold on life and I live it in the way that's best for me. But I've learned things about myself, others, and life in general here that make me see I still have a lot to learn. I like that, though. Those kind of things had been absent in my life for a while, and I always knew there had to be more to learn.

Before I came here, I had touched upon my problems with myself, but I've managed to sort things out and make sense of the things I do now. The trust issues, the fear of letting people in, and the attachment issues in particular have cleared themselves up in recent weeks. It's about time. You have to be able to see the problem clearly in order to fix it, so really, it's about damn time.

And I'm trying this time around. I'm trying hard to not mess this one up like I've always done.

This is the falling out of pain and the coming of accepted vulnerability.

I Build My Roadblocks

As far as things are looking now, I walked right into wet cement.

Confusion Is No Illusion.

I came to college with the idea of opening up and breaking down the walls that I always build. The idea was almost to not be me in that sense. Like, I was planning on just throwing myself out there in a way, doing things that I wouldn't normally do; kind of like experimenting with a bunch of things (but not a bunch of bad things). Really, it all had to do with guys. I've never been the kind of person that just jumps at a guy. I've never been the person to fall for a guy quickly. And I've never been the person to feel comfortable with the vunerability that comes with a relationship. I hated all of that about myself, and I figured college would be a good place to put forth the change, so when I do find a guy I really care for, I won't force it to stop short this time like I always manage to do.

Well, that whole plan was kind of altered from the start when my friend from high school who is also up here kept a watchful eye on every little thing that would happen with me and a guy. Nothing happend, just to point out, but like me hanging out in a guy's room, me at a party with a guy's hands all over me, me just meeting a guy. It's so annoying. Like really, I could take care of myself. I know how and when to get myself out of situations I shouldn't be part of. Let me be. BUT because this person from high school knew me and how I was before college, he now frowns upon me and implies that I'm being whoreish about a bunch of things and that I want to "rail" every somewhat attractive guy I see. I don't understand where that comes from, because anyone that really knows me would obviously know that that is nothing like me. But whatever. It's not that I care about what he thinks, but it kind of brings me down, and then I realize that I have to keep any encounter with a guy a secret. It's just stupid, really.

But the real things that altered my "plan" for college were these guys themselves. You know, it always seems that when you want anyone, you get no one. Then when you finally find one person you want, you get everyone. I hate when that happens, and a lot of times, it's hard to resist the others. I finally manned up to my feelings and did something that I've never in my life done, and it took a big weight off my shoulders, yet it also added on another one. I already knew of guys here that were into me and whatever, but I wasn't into them. But now I find out that one of my friends here likes me and all, and I actually kind of have some feelings for him, too. But it's all so weird. I think it might just be one of those lonely things that's giving me the idea to persue it. People have also been pretty good at convincing me that it'd be a good thing. And this guy is sooo sweet and innocent, and just an all around good guy. Those are never the guys I go for, so in a way, it kind of goes back to what I wanted to do here anyway. But I'm just so confused about everything right now. I'd feel guilty if I went with this kid now, but then again, I have no idea what's going to happen when I get home and see the other guy again. I don't know if anything will happen when I get home, which makes me wonder if it's worth it to throw away this opportunity and wait for something that might not even happen. But then again, I want the person at home more. Ughhh my brain is so racked lately. I just don't want to throw opportunites away that I would've taken before I manned up, but I don't know what's right.

You're Home; I'm Gone

So for starters, I love how when I leave, the people that disappeared from my life suddenly come back to me. I guess it's yet another example of life's amazing timing or something like that.

But anyway...college. It's so weird how when you're here, the days seem so long yet everything moves at a much faster pace. I guess it's because we're all pretty much living together. You can't get away (it's got it's pros and cons). But really, we all say it -- every friend we've made here, for the most part, it feels as though we've known each other for years already. And we also all agree that it's insane that we've only been here for not even 2 weeks yet. It feels like we've been here for at least 2 months, but that doesn't bother me at all. I really do love it here. All the anxiety that I started to get a few days before I left home was completely pointless. I had nothing to worry about, and most of what I hoped for when I got to college, I've actually gotten. It's always nice when things just work out for once.

I said in one of the last blogs I posted that I was pretty sure the lack of alone time I got here would literally drive me insane, but I was wrong. It's so weird because I've always been the kind of person who really values my time alone and to myself. Like, I need a certain amount of alone time a day to really survive and not go crazy. But it's different here. I don't know if it's just that I've gotten used to always having someone in the room with me, or the fact that I'm hanging out w/ people constantly, but I actually do get really lonely even when I'm in my room alone for just an hour. I didn't expect that to happen, but hey, whatever. I kind of like that change. I always want to do something now, where as before, I never minded just staying in my room for the day. What's also weird is that at home, I NEVER invited people to my house (exception: my grad "party"), but here, me and my roommate Erin are constantly inviting people to our dorm (which is pretty much our home). Every night we have people up here. And every night our floor dislikes us more and more hahah. My floor sucks, and they're all just jealous bitches anyway. Me and Erin get the biggest, nicest room on the floor, we have friends, we have fun. They don't. LOL.

I'm so nice.

Oh, and one more thing that I find weird in terms of the timing of the situation. The one person that I really wanted to meet here (I remembered him from orientation), I have (and he's been in our room too, of course. lolz). BUT he's not nearly what I thought he'd be. I mean, that still doesn't mean he's bad in anyway, because trust me, it's pretty hard to look at this kid from a bad angle, but yeah. Kind of disappointing. But apparently it's better off that way, for the time being anyway. I'm in a different place and he's in a different place. But as I keep remiinding myself, we still have four more years here. Kind of crazy when I think about all that could happen and compare it to all that has already happened, but crazy in a good way.

People are scared of changing in college and coming back home to people that don't like what they've become. I don't think I'll change that much to be honest with you. I mean, my vocabulary will probably be the most noticable change (ie: creeper/legit will be said). But there was one thing I said I wanted to change about myself, and I did.