I didn't expect this to be so hard. I don't know why either considering the previous two times I said I was going to stop talking to you, I just went and talked to you the next day. Obviously it was bound to be difficult. And that's what keeps me thinking.
Whenever you give someone up, you always start thinking about whether it was a mistake or not. Always. It's natural, and I have to keep telling myself that knowing that if I stick this out long enough, that thinking will pass. I need it to pass because I am currently driving myself crazy. You're the only thing that's been on my mind since I've been home, and I knew that would happen, too. But it's still annoying.
Speaking of being home, I'm home. For three months too long. I am either going to go completely insane or be put in a state of depression sometime this summer; it's bound to happen. I'm just looking foward to the few little road trips that are planned to go visit my favorite people ever again.
I don't know where I wanted this blog to go. I really only wrote it to indirectly talk to you.
5.04.2009
I Lost Myself When I Won The Prize
I've known exactly who I am for a while now. I know how I work, how I think, what I believe in, and how far I'd go. And I never thought anybody would be able to alter that in any way.
I was wrong.
Never in my life have I ever felt something so strong so quickly for someone I never paid any attention to before. Reason number one I freaked myself out. I have always been a pretty secretive person, mysterious, confusing, however you want to label that. What you learned about me is what most other people learn over the course of a few months to a few years. In two short weeks, I felt that I gave it all up to you, and in doing that, I lost who I was for the first time. I tried to forget that I fear vulnerability so much, but one of your biggest fears will never just simply disappear like you hope for. I always prided myself on being strong, and during those two weeks, I never felt so weak. I never felt so dependent, so pessimistic, like such a mess.
You're not going to believe me when I say it again, but it has nothing to do with you specifically; it's all me and the situation as a whole. I thought I was ready for this. In fact, one thing I wanted to accomplish in the first year of college relating to the whole "reinventing the self" theory had to do with this. I wanted to wean myself off my old ways of being super picky and not giving anybody the chance just so I could protect myself. So I tried it with you because you were the first person that introduced yourself to me who gave me the feeling that it had potential right off the bat. And yes, I'm going to go back into sounded completely full of myself here, but of all the guys that wanted that chance, you won. That should say enough, but I know it doesn't.
Like that NFG song says, "You were everything I wanted, but I just can't finish what I started." You were nothing but good for me. Everything you were willing to give was everything I needed to get over my problems involving the whole relationship/commitment/vulnerability thing. I thought I was ready for it all a few months back. I wanted it for the first time, but then that got ruined. I still believed I was ready for it, so when I dove in with you, I was confident. You were not there just to be a tool; I felt something from the very beginning. Then I was blind sighted by old problems. The issues that I developed from things that happened years ago, I was positive I got over. It took years of trying, and I was so sure they would never surface again. I never expected it, and when they came back to me uncalled upon, I freaked out. I didn't know how to handle them in this situation because I wasn't ready for it. For the first time since I've been at college, I did not feel genuinely happy, and unfortunately, I think you felt like it was all your fault. But the real fault belongs to the issues that I thought were gone forever and decided to come back to haunt me at the worst time possible.
I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it, but it's something I need to do alone. I can't drag you down with me; it's not fair to you or anyone else that would be standing in your shoes. Like I told you, I don't want to lose you. I was trying to hard to relight the match that went out within the first week, once the issues surfaced again. Why would anybody want to lose something that was nothing but good for them? I still want it, but now is not the time.
Before you came along, I had this whole plan set up for what I wanted to happen this summer. Everything got turned upside down, and it is clear that what I wanted is no longer going to happen, and maybe that's for the better. But I have a new plan for the summer, and that is to find myself again, to fix myself on my own and come out on top. That's when I'll be ready to take on something bigger and make things easier for anyone involved with me.
I haven't been this emotionally drained in a while, but whether you believe it or not, I would be a lot worse if you weren't there trying to stick it out with me.
I was wrong.
Never in my life have I ever felt something so strong so quickly for someone I never paid any attention to before. Reason number one I freaked myself out. I have always been a pretty secretive person, mysterious, confusing, however you want to label that. What you learned about me is what most other people learn over the course of a few months to a few years. In two short weeks, I felt that I gave it all up to you, and in doing that, I lost who I was for the first time. I tried to forget that I fear vulnerability so much, but one of your biggest fears will never just simply disappear like you hope for. I always prided myself on being strong, and during those two weeks, I never felt so weak. I never felt so dependent, so pessimistic, like such a mess.
You're not going to believe me when I say it again, but it has nothing to do with you specifically; it's all me and the situation as a whole. I thought I was ready for this. In fact, one thing I wanted to accomplish in the first year of college relating to the whole "reinventing the self" theory had to do with this. I wanted to wean myself off my old ways of being super picky and not giving anybody the chance just so I could protect myself. So I tried it with you because you were the first person that introduced yourself to me who gave me the feeling that it had potential right off the bat. And yes, I'm going to go back into sounded completely full of myself here, but of all the guys that wanted that chance, you won. That should say enough, but I know it doesn't.
Like that NFG song says, "You were everything I wanted, but I just can't finish what I started." You were nothing but good for me. Everything you were willing to give was everything I needed to get over my problems involving the whole relationship/commitment/vulnerability thing. I thought I was ready for it all a few months back. I wanted it for the first time, but then that got ruined. I still believed I was ready for it, so when I dove in with you, I was confident. You were not there just to be a tool; I felt something from the very beginning. Then I was blind sighted by old problems. The issues that I developed from things that happened years ago, I was positive I got over. It took years of trying, and I was so sure they would never surface again. I never expected it, and when they came back to me uncalled upon, I freaked out. I didn't know how to handle them in this situation because I wasn't ready for it. For the first time since I've been at college, I did not feel genuinely happy, and unfortunately, I think you felt like it was all your fault. But the real fault belongs to the issues that I thought were gone forever and decided to come back to haunt me at the worst time possible.
I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it, but it's something I need to do alone. I can't drag you down with me; it's not fair to you or anyone else that would be standing in your shoes. Like I told you, I don't want to lose you. I was trying to hard to relight the match that went out within the first week, once the issues surfaced again. Why would anybody want to lose something that was nothing but good for them? I still want it, but now is not the time.
Before you came along, I had this whole plan set up for what I wanted to happen this summer. Everything got turned upside down, and it is clear that what I wanted is no longer going to happen, and maybe that's for the better. But I have a new plan for the summer, and that is to find myself again, to fix myself on my own and come out on top. That's when I'll be ready to take on something bigger and make things easier for anyone involved with me.
I haven't been this emotionally drained in a while, but whether you believe it or not, I would be a lot worse if you weren't there trying to stick it out with me.
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