I won't forgive myself.
Me and my stupid selfish ways. I vow to never again avoid somebody just because I'm too damn self absorbed and don't feel like associating myself with them at the moment. Never again.
And what I said just a week or so ago about losing someone in my class and how heartless I was about it. And now it happend. Ugh. I'm a terrible person, it's not even funny.
Maybe I'll write more about this later, because I do have more to say. But God knows I can't talk about my feelings, and this is no exception.
I'm sorry. I can never forgive myself. Rest In Peace, Peter.
12.31.2008
12.29.2008
This Blog Is Raw Because This Blog Is Me.
I don't know why I write some of these things in here that can get me in trouble, but I do it anyway.
Actually, I lie. I know why I write them. Because it's the purpose of this blog to get all of you who actually pay attention to it to know who I am. So I do/say things that may be wrong. Eh, it happens. This just in: I am not God. I am me.
Shocker, I know.
But anyway, for the past 2 nights in a row, I've had dreams about Mr. Screw-Me-Over-1. I hope you don't know who you are, because this would just be creepy then, but I'm sure you're smart enough to figure it out. Oh well. Anyway, they're weirding me out. I don't know why you've been on my mind so much lately, but it's not necessarily a good thing, especially considering current situations and my state of mind. But in all honesty, I've always wondered what would happen if another chance with you came around. From the start of the ending of it all, I hated the fact of leaving things the way they were: so close to something good, just at the wrong time. I HATED the fact that I wouldn't know if it all could have worked out and been awesome and what not.
Oh well. Everything happens for a reason. If you know me, you know I live by that mantra. But I still don't know why that all happend with you. Maybe it was to prepare me for the next person after you that did pretty much the same exact thing to me as you did? Probably not. That wouldn't make much sense now that I think of it. I'll figure it out eventually. But for now, please stay out of my dreams, k? They're supposed to be preserved for someone else.
Someone else that I miss and I wanted to see a lot of this month.
Hey, I saw a shooting star tonight. And as cheesy as it sounds, I was thinking about how I wanted to see you when I saw it fall. Today, I realized that it's like you're the one that moved away instead of me. I don't think that should be the case.
Actually, I lie. I know why I write them. Because it's the purpose of this blog to get all of you who actually pay attention to it to know who I am. So I do/say things that may be wrong. Eh, it happens. This just in: I am not God. I am me.
Shocker, I know.
But anyway, for the past 2 nights in a row, I've had dreams about Mr. Screw-Me-Over-1. I hope you don't know who you are, because this would just be creepy then, but I'm sure you're smart enough to figure it out. Oh well. Anyway, they're weirding me out. I don't know why you've been on my mind so much lately, but it's not necessarily a good thing, especially considering current situations and my state of mind. But in all honesty, I've always wondered what would happen if another chance with you came around. From the start of the ending of it all, I hated the fact of leaving things the way they were: so close to something good, just at the wrong time. I HATED the fact that I wouldn't know if it all could have worked out and been awesome and what not.
Oh well. Everything happens for a reason. If you know me, you know I live by that mantra. But I still don't know why that all happend with you. Maybe it was to prepare me for the next person after you that did pretty much the same exact thing to me as you did? Probably not. That wouldn't make much sense now that I think of it. I'll figure it out eventually. But for now, please stay out of my dreams, k? They're supposed to be preserved for someone else.
Someone else that I miss and I wanted to see a lot of this month.
Hey, I saw a shooting star tonight. And as cheesy as it sounds, I was thinking about how I wanted to see you when I saw it fall. Today, I realized that it's like you're the one that moved away instead of me. I don't think that should be the case.
12.14.2008
My Head Should've Exploded By Now
So fine, I'll admit it for once. I am a flirt whore. But there's nothing wrong with that as long as I don't actually do anything, right? ...right? Ugh.
It's weird just how different things can be here. I realized after being home for Thanksgiving break that being here and being home really are two completely different worlds. I got used to the looks, the flirting, the everything that I witness everyday here. Then, I got home and none of that seemed to happen. That's how it always was at home, though. I don't really get the feeling that people want to get to know me there. The attention I get is nothing like it is here.
Before college, I didn't have luck in this department. I always felt like most guys I liked, the few that there were, were always out of my league or something. Granted, that did change once I ventured out of Deer Park for a little while. That's when I decided I needed a slap in the face because I was getting a little full of myself. Thank God I did get that slap in the face, because I hated myself then. And if I didn't learn my lesson back then, I'd be really bad right now. It's just so weird. Every guy I've had my eye on, I realize that I actually can get. It's new to me, but there's not a thing to complain about with it. And as egotistical as that statement sounds, it seems to be true. Every guy I wanted to get to know but had no idea how I would actually go about doing that, I've actually gotten to know so far. Every guy I've found attractive here, I've found that they wouldn't mind going after me as well. I mean, come on; the guy I saw at orientation back in June and thought was the most attractive guy I've ever seen in person, I'm friends with now. Not only that, but he has considered going after me, despite the fact that he currently has a girlfriend of his own. I always said my whole "4 years" mantra, and others are backing me on that now.
I think maybe having someone back at home is what's really keeping me grounded here.
On another note, I've also discovered here that my knack for knowing what people are feeling can be quite entertaining. Just by watching people in my classes, I've called it so many times. Who likes who, who wants who to like them and stop liking another person, etc. I have fun with it. It's good to know I'm making use of the thousands of dollars that are put towards my classes.
I think I'm the only person here that is not looking forward to going home.
This was a really self-centered blog.
I'm a terrible person.
It's weird just how different things can be here. I realized after being home for Thanksgiving break that being here and being home really are two completely different worlds. I got used to the looks, the flirting, the everything that I witness everyday here. Then, I got home and none of that seemed to happen. That's how it always was at home, though. I don't really get the feeling that people want to get to know me there. The attention I get is nothing like it is here.
Before college, I didn't have luck in this department. I always felt like most guys I liked, the few that there were, were always out of my league or something. Granted, that did change once I ventured out of Deer Park for a little while. That's when I decided I needed a slap in the face because I was getting a little full of myself. Thank God I did get that slap in the face, because I hated myself then. And if I didn't learn my lesson back then, I'd be really bad right now. It's just so weird. Every guy I've had my eye on, I realize that I actually can get. It's new to me, but there's not a thing to complain about with it. And as egotistical as that statement sounds, it seems to be true. Every guy I wanted to get to know but had no idea how I would actually go about doing that, I've actually gotten to know so far. Every guy I've found attractive here, I've found that they wouldn't mind going after me as well. I mean, come on; the guy I saw at orientation back in June and thought was the most attractive guy I've ever seen in person, I'm friends with now. Not only that, but he has considered going after me, despite the fact that he currently has a girlfriend of his own. I always said my whole "4 years" mantra, and others are backing me on that now.
I think maybe having someone back at home is what's really keeping me grounded here.
On another note, I've also discovered here that my knack for knowing what people are feeling can be quite entertaining. Just by watching people in my classes, I've called it so many times. Who likes who, who wants who to like them and stop liking another person, etc. I have fun with it. It's good to know I'm making use of the thousands of dollars that are put towards my classes.
I think I'm the only person here that is not looking forward to going home.
This was a really self-centered blog.
I'm a terrible person.
12.03.2008
November Was Non-Existent
That's sad.
But on another pointless note, if you were here, everything would be perfect.
But on another pointless note, if you were here, everything would be perfect.
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