9.15.2008
9.13.2008
Confusion Is No Illusion.
I came to college with the idea of opening up and breaking down the walls that I always build. The idea was almost to not be me in that sense. Like, I was planning on just throwing myself out there in a way, doing things that I wouldn't normally do; kind of like experimenting with a bunch of things (but not a bunch of bad things). Really, it all had to do with guys. I've never been the kind of person that just jumps at a guy. I've never been the person to fall for a guy quickly. And I've never been the person to feel comfortable with the vunerability that comes with a relationship. I hated all of that about myself, and I figured college would be a good place to put forth the change, so when I do find a guy I really care for, I won't force it to stop short this time like I always manage to do.
Well, that whole plan was kind of altered from the start when my friend from high school who is also up here kept a watchful eye on every little thing that would happen with me and a guy. Nothing happend, just to point out, but like me hanging out in a guy's room, me at a party with a guy's hands all over me, me just meeting a guy. It's so annoying. Like really, I could take care of myself. I know how and when to get myself out of situations I shouldn't be part of. Let me be. BUT because this person from high school knew me and how I was before college, he now frowns upon me and implies that I'm being whoreish about a bunch of things and that I want to "rail" every somewhat attractive guy I see. I don't understand where that comes from, because anyone that really knows me would obviously know that that is nothing like me. But whatever. It's not that I care about what he thinks, but it kind of brings me down, and then I realize that I have to keep any encounter with a guy a secret. It's just stupid, really.
But the real things that altered my "plan" for college were these guys themselves. You know, it always seems that when you want anyone, you get no one. Then when you finally find one person you want, you get everyone. I hate when that happens, and a lot of times, it's hard to resist the others. I finally manned up to my feelings and did something that I've never in my life done, and it took a big weight off my shoulders, yet it also added on another one. I already knew of guys here that were into me and whatever, but I wasn't into them. But now I find out that one of my friends here likes me and all, and I actually kind of have some feelings for him, too. But it's all so weird. I think it might just be one of those lonely things that's giving me the idea to persue it. People have also been pretty good at convincing me that it'd be a good thing. And this guy is sooo sweet and innocent, and just an all around good guy. Those are never the guys I go for, so in a way, it kind of goes back to what I wanted to do here anyway. But I'm just so confused about everything right now. I'd feel guilty if I went with this kid now, but then again, I have no idea what's going to happen when I get home and see the other guy again. I don't know if anything will happen when I get home, which makes me wonder if it's worth it to throw away this opportunity and wait for something that might not even happen. But then again, I want the person at home more. Ughhh my brain is so racked lately. I just don't want to throw opportunites away that I would've taken before I manned up, but I don't know what's right.
Well, that whole plan was kind of altered from the start when my friend from high school who is also up here kept a watchful eye on every little thing that would happen with me and a guy. Nothing happend, just to point out, but like me hanging out in a guy's room, me at a party with a guy's hands all over me, me just meeting a guy. It's so annoying. Like really, I could take care of myself. I know how and when to get myself out of situations I shouldn't be part of. Let me be. BUT because this person from high school knew me and how I was before college, he now frowns upon me and implies that I'm being whoreish about a bunch of things and that I want to "rail" every somewhat attractive guy I see. I don't understand where that comes from, because anyone that really knows me would obviously know that that is nothing like me. But whatever. It's not that I care about what he thinks, but it kind of brings me down, and then I realize that I have to keep any encounter with a guy a secret. It's just stupid, really.
But the real things that altered my "plan" for college were these guys themselves. You know, it always seems that when you want anyone, you get no one. Then when you finally find one person you want, you get everyone. I hate when that happens, and a lot of times, it's hard to resist the others. I finally manned up to my feelings and did something that I've never in my life done, and it took a big weight off my shoulders, yet it also added on another one. I already knew of guys here that were into me and whatever, but I wasn't into them. But now I find out that one of my friends here likes me and all, and I actually kind of have some feelings for him, too. But it's all so weird. I think it might just be one of those lonely things that's giving me the idea to persue it. People have also been pretty good at convincing me that it'd be a good thing. And this guy is sooo sweet and innocent, and just an all around good guy. Those are never the guys I go for, so in a way, it kind of goes back to what I wanted to do here anyway. But I'm just so confused about everything right now. I'd feel guilty if I went with this kid now, but then again, I have no idea what's going to happen when I get home and see the other guy again. I don't know if anything will happen when I get home, which makes me wonder if it's worth it to throw away this opportunity and wait for something that might not even happen. But then again, I want the person at home more. Ughhh my brain is so racked lately. I just don't want to throw opportunites away that I would've taken before I manned up, but I don't know what's right.
9.10.2008
You're Home; I'm Gone
So for starters, I love how when I leave, the people that disappeared from my life suddenly come back to me. I guess it's yet another example of life's amazing timing or something like that.
But anyway...college. It's so weird how when you're here, the days seem so long yet everything moves at a much faster pace. I guess it's because we're all pretty much living together. You can't get away (it's got it's pros and cons). But really, we all say it -- every friend we've made here, for the most part, it feels as though we've known each other for years already. And we also all agree that it's insane that we've only been here for not even 2 weeks yet. It feels like we've been here for at least 2 months, but that doesn't bother me at all. I really do love it here. All the anxiety that I started to get a few days before I left home was completely pointless. I had nothing to worry about, and most of what I hoped for when I got to college, I've actually gotten. It's always nice when things just work out for once.
I said in one of the last blogs I posted that I was pretty sure the lack of alone time I got here would literally drive me insane, but I was wrong. It's so weird because I've always been the kind of person who really values my time alone and to myself. Like, I need a certain amount of alone time a day to really survive and not go crazy. But it's different here. I don't know if it's just that I've gotten used to always having someone in the room with me, or the fact that I'm hanging out w/ people constantly, but I actually do get really lonely even when I'm in my room alone for just an hour. I didn't expect that to happen, but hey, whatever. I kind of like that change. I always want to do something now, where as before, I never minded just staying in my room for the day. What's also weird is that at home, I NEVER invited people to my house (exception: my grad "party"), but here, me and my roommate Erin are constantly inviting people to our dorm (which is pretty much our home). Every night we have people up here. And every night our floor dislikes us more and more hahah. My floor sucks, and they're all just jealous bitches anyway. Me and Erin get the biggest, nicest room on the floor, we have friends, we have fun. They don't. LOL.
I'm so nice.
Oh, and one more thing that I find weird in terms of the timing of the situation. The one person that I really wanted to meet here (I remembered him from orientation), I have (and he's been in our room too, of course. lolz). BUT he's not nearly what I thought he'd be. I mean, that still doesn't mean he's bad in anyway, because trust me, it's pretty hard to look at this kid from a bad angle, but yeah. Kind of disappointing. But apparently it's better off that way, for the time being anyway. I'm in a different place and he's in a different place. But as I keep remiinding myself, we still have four more years here. Kind of crazy when I think about all that could happen and compare it to all that has already happened, but crazy in a good way.
People are scared of changing in college and coming back home to people that don't like what they've become. I don't think I'll change that much to be honest with you. I mean, my vocabulary will probably be the most noticable change (ie: creeper/legit will be said). But there was one thing I said I wanted to change about myself, and I did.
But anyway...college. It's so weird how when you're here, the days seem so long yet everything moves at a much faster pace. I guess it's because we're all pretty much living together. You can't get away (it's got it's pros and cons). But really, we all say it -- every friend we've made here, for the most part, it feels as though we've known each other for years already. And we also all agree that it's insane that we've only been here for not even 2 weeks yet. It feels like we've been here for at least 2 months, but that doesn't bother me at all. I really do love it here. All the anxiety that I started to get a few days before I left home was completely pointless. I had nothing to worry about, and most of what I hoped for when I got to college, I've actually gotten. It's always nice when things just work out for once.
I said in one of the last blogs I posted that I was pretty sure the lack of alone time I got here would literally drive me insane, but I was wrong. It's so weird because I've always been the kind of person who really values my time alone and to myself. Like, I need a certain amount of alone time a day to really survive and not go crazy. But it's different here. I don't know if it's just that I've gotten used to always having someone in the room with me, or the fact that I'm hanging out w/ people constantly, but I actually do get really lonely even when I'm in my room alone for just an hour. I didn't expect that to happen, but hey, whatever. I kind of like that change. I always want to do something now, where as before, I never minded just staying in my room for the day. What's also weird is that at home, I NEVER invited people to my house (exception: my grad "party"), but here, me and my roommate Erin are constantly inviting people to our dorm (which is pretty much our home). Every night we have people up here. And every night our floor dislikes us more and more hahah. My floor sucks, and they're all just jealous bitches anyway. Me and Erin get the biggest, nicest room on the floor, we have friends, we have fun. They don't. LOL.
I'm so nice.
Oh, and one more thing that I find weird in terms of the timing of the situation. The one person that I really wanted to meet here (I remembered him from orientation), I have (and he's been in our room too, of course. lolz). BUT he's not nearly what I thought he'd be. I mean, that still doesn't mean he's bad in anyway, because trust me, it's pretty hard to look at this kid from a bad angle, but yeah. Kind of disappointing. But apparently it's better off that way, for the time being anyway. I'm in a different place and he's in a different place. But as I keep remiinding myself, we still have four more years here. Kind of crazy when I think about all that could happen and compare it to all that has already happened, but crazy in a good way.
People are scared of changing in college and coming back home to people that don't like what they've become. I don't think I'll change that much to be honest with you. I mean, my vocabulary will probably be the most noticable change (ie: creeper/legit will be said). But there was one thing I said I wanted to change about myself, and I did.
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